First off, Cody needs to chill the shit out. My god, dude! I love that you’re honest and want a real relationship but you’re coming across as…a little too available. You don’t tell a chick you love her after six days together. Marcus didn’t even do that.
There is no way I’d climb down that hole.
Poor Lacy…her lesson from the producers on what a stalagmite is does not need to be shown. But WOW, she’s not a great listener. HE SAID STALAGMITE.
I am SO not into this date. Swimming in a dark cavern in MEXICO, no less, with fucking catfish and bats? In what realm is this romantic? I would cry. But leave it to Lace-dog to see the silver lining in all this horror: “Facing fear together propels a relationship.” It’s a good lesson, people, and one that this show teaches us every season. Doing dangerous things together is a metaphor for coping with the pitfalls of any relationship. Wading through E. Coli infested waters will be instrumental when these two go shopping for their first washer and dryer. (?)
Lacy thinks it’s pretty here. She says, “It’s all so natural in nature.” Well said, Lacy. That’s like saying, “It’s so bathroom-y in this bathroom.”
Lacy tells Marcus that she is also falling in love with him and the show mocks these two dorks with some crescendo romantic music and a chorus of animal noises. Despite my hatred for these smarmy producers, I admit sometimes I love them, too.
Lacy then tells the camera Marcus is helping her to break down walls (vagina walls, presumably). She then says she couldn’t have asked for a better date. Ummm really? I could’ve asked for about 10 million better dates than swimming in Parasite Bay.
Brooks is there…the cute, normal guy from Desiree’s season. She looooved him and I bet a hundred bucks that she still does. He left her and she was pissed. Anyhoo, I’ve never noticed that he’s a little gay. Am I right? Just a little. Still cute and fun, but just a small side of gay thrown in.
Sarah says she has a crush on him and wanted him to be in paradise. But she’s pretty solid with Robert these days, so what to do? Be a sucky chick and totally fuck it up with good guy Robert so you can see if you like Brooks. Grrr.
He asks Jackie on a date and she says yes. Why the headband? Thank God I missed the disco headband trend. They head to Casa Banana, which is probably my favorite name of all time for a bar/restaurant/foosball gambling operation.
Brooks speaks to the waiter in Spanish and it blows Jackie’s mind. However, Jackie has the same demeanor when her mind is blown, when she’s horrifically sad and when she wins a non-prized foosball game. She is snoozy. Also, apparently she is afraid of lamb and loves sushi. She also claims she does not kiss on the first date but forgets her own rule later on with Zack.
Sarah says she wants a bowl of nachos and somehow the producers edit that so her voiceover says, “I need to break up with Robert”. I bet this was never even a thought and those dickbag producers made it seem that way. Anyhoo, Robert leaves her a cute note to meet him on the beach. She comes to her senses and realizes she has it all with Robert…they cuddle on the beach bed thingy and decide to see what happens with their relationship in LA. They’re cute and I’m happy she didn’t fuck it up. The end.
Here are some other highlights from this episode. Can you tell I was bored?
-Michelle tells Cody to back the fuck off, but she says it a little nicer than this. He responds by saying he’s a rookie with all this relationship stuff. So that’s not attractive.
-Christy says, “Jesse gave me a rose last week so that tells me he’s here to find a girlfriend.” Say what? What prior knowledge of anything to do with Bachelor Pad/Bach in Paradise franchise tells her this? Chick is delusional. All that alcohol is clogging up her brain. Michelle breaks the news to her that Lucy gave him a hand job in the van last week. I assume it was hand job since she says that Lucy was feeling him up, but it doesn’t make sense because hand jobs aren’t really all that desirable, no? Christy pissed.
-Oddly, God apparently delivers Tasos to Christy. Really, God? If I were Christy and asked for a savior of a man, I’d hope Harry Connick Jr. dropped in. Or Clooney. Or Simon Cowell (you heard me). But Tasos? I mean, he seems nice, but naked on top of me? Nope. No. Nooooo.
--Side note: Cody needs to lay off the rock lifting. It’s all big enough, dude. Stop. Go on a run. Go stretch your neck.
--Tasos and Christy go on a date and AGAIN, what is with the parasite infested waters?? Tulum is hurting for date ideas. There is no way I’m floating in that fucking gator swamp. No way. Also, can we PLEASE give Christy some sunscreen and instruction for chest application?
--Tasos – do NOT narrate going in for a kiss. Just do it or don’t. Don’t talk about it. Awkward city.
--Sarah and Robert are tossing beanbags and she says, “I have the worst arm.” Well, yes, silly, try to throw with the non-missing arm and you’ll do better. Geesh.
In case you were wondering where they went on their date...Thanks Producers!
AshLEE cries because she doesn’t get the date card. Graham won’t talk to her unless they’re forced to, while on a date, so she is super pissy. She REALLY bugs, no?
Anyhoo, Zack and Jackie go out on a date and you have GOT to be kidding me with swamp-date-parasites-up-your-vagina-date number THREE this week?
Men wearing necklaces are a no in my book, but that no becomes HUGE when the necklace is all hempy-like. Yucks. She comments to Jackie that he likes her because she’s so “even-keel.” In normal world, “even-keel” is code for boring as shit, but since he’s comparing her to craze-dog Clare, this “even-keel-ness” is totally appealing. (FYI – Don’t get me wrong. I liked Clare, but that chick be crazy.) Jackie and Zack kiss. Whatevs.
Zack has a gift for Jackie – it’s a bracelet. Apparently, you make a wish and put on the bracelet. When it falls off, your wish will come true. Let me get this straight. Someone made a shitty bracelet that is MEANT to fall off? So it costs like a penny to make? And that thing sells? For actual money?
So get this…after he gives her the bracelet, my TV decides to konk out and goes black. By the time it comes back, Jesse is in a car, leaving the compound with Christy and two other chicks are yelling at him. Soooo, I guess I missed Christy telling Jesse off, which probably led to him choosing to leave. Am I right? Cause I don’t care enough to find it online and watch those missing ten minutes. Maybe I could recap like this all the time: Skip ten minute portions every now and then and just make up what I THINK happens. Would you guys even notice? It is a predictable show…something to think about.
The girls are yelling at him about how he banged more than one chick and then blabbed about it to the guys. So basically they’re yelling at him for being a dude. He just sits there, like, “Yes, correct, so what’s your point here?” The yelling isn’t doing much to get him to apologize or anything, so eventually they just let him go. He’s a bit of a douche bag, yes.
Lacy gives her rose to Marcus, Sarah gives her rose to Robert, Michelle gives her rose to Cody, AshLEE gives hers to Graham, Christy to Tasos, and Jackie gives hers to………….Zack! THAT was dramatic. Not really. Brooks goes home, Desiree cheers!
Harrison tells them that starting tomorrow, everything changes. Dum dum DUM! No more arrivals, no more rose ceremonies, no more dates. Just alcohol and sex, people. Make it work.
So next week is the finale – we will see what drama unfolds. See you then people!