Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - Oh Nicky. Not cool.

Nick! You dick. More on that later.

Nick Meets the Dorfmans 

The Dorfman family scores a free trip to the Dominican Republic. Nick gets totally dressed up to meet Andi’s family, complete with a baseball-type jersey and forgetting to brush his hair. But he wins points by bringing mom flowers and dad alcohol. To which sister replies, “What the fuck? Am I chopped liver?”

Ah yes, Andi’s dad, Hy. You can tell Andi got to him and begged him not to be an asshole. He was stoic, but mostly nice-ish. Nick thanks Andi’s mom for raising the most wonderful girl he’s ever met. He then adds on, “Did I mention she is a panther in the bedroom? I mean, WOW!”

Do I have to keep writing here? It’s all the same shit. He kisses ass, telling everyone how much he loves her, he’s a bit awkward, asks for Hy’s blessing to propose, etc. All in all, he seems to genuinely like Andi a LOT but is an emotional mess…Also, I need sister Rachel to STOP playing with her goddamn hair.

Josh Meets the Dorfmans 

I bet Josh makes the worst first impression ever. I mean, he’s totally smiley and nice, but he’s much more outgoing and way less pussy-like than Josh, so I bet he comes across as this cocky athlete-type.

There’s a lot of the same shit, asking how much he loves her, blaaaaah. Josh and Hy are dressed the exact same, which is weird.

Last Date with Josh 

Again, Josh gets the yacht date. Lucky bastard! They hang out on a yacht, make out in the ocean and talk about…well not much. Josh says to the camera, “I have an unconditional love for my family and I feel that way about Andi – Even stronger, actually.” Ohhhh Josh’s mama is NOT going to be pleased about that. And I am NOT pleased about his red pants.

They go sit on a sofa later where they talk about…nothing. They laugh and make out a lot. He gives her a personalized baseball card and I bet my hat the producers gave that to him to give to her. It’s actually a little funny so nice work, Producers, I mean, Josh. At least it’s not a fucking scrapbook.

Last Date with Nick 

That’s a lot of blue he’s wearing! Blue on blue on blue. They go off-roading, otherwise known as on-roading in a Jeep. The passion is off the charts with these two, as Andi says, “Nick makes me think deeply.” THAT sounds fun.

They have a picnic at some lagoon and I’m SURE there are no snakes or scorpions in there at ALL. I mean…are you people crazy? And not in a million fucking years would I go swimming in that lagoon. I’m sure it’s infested with that parasite that swims up your penis hole.

When they later sit on a sofa, he’s so friggin unattractive. I mean, stop the mumbling and the nervousness. He seems like a super insecure teenager. All he’s looking for is reassurance. She even tells him that he needs to stop overanalyzing and to turn his brain off. How annoying would it be to be married to THAT? Let’s ignore the fact that’s TOTALLY me and I’m sure my husband would like to turn my brain off daily.

He gives her a sand-filled necklace, which is sweet, sort of, but totally unusable. Would you EVER actually wear that? In Andi’s words, STOP. You pussy.

Andi comments that she loves her physical connection with Josh but there’s an intellectual connection with Nick. There is so much wrong with this. First of all, would you like to be married forever, to the guy who you have zero fun with, but can talk about politics with? Or would you like to be married to Josh where you don’t talk about shit, but laugh a lot and roll around naked together. Hmmm. Wait, this is actually a hard decision.

Neil Lane visits the guys…oh wait, just Josh 

Neil Lane also gets a free vaca to the Dominican Republic where he is dressed in his Neil Lane uniform. Do you think he was mad his airtime was cut in half? Josh picks out a ring…Nick hears a knock on his door and...it’s Andi, not Neil Lane. Dum dum DUM!

Do you think he saw Neil Lane leave Josh’s room and he was like, “Hey. Hey! I’m over here! Why are you getting in your car??!”

Andi pops into Nick’s room and you can see the horror on his face. He knows this isn’t good news. She dumps him, telling him something didn’t feel right and it’s clear they shouldn’t be together. She mentions some other crap, but here starts the recurring theme of Nick: He’s just mad that she gave him reassurance when it was really empty. He’s mad at the public humiliation factor. Why did she say things? Why did she look at him that way? Why did she ride him in the fantasy suite until sunrise? He says she took it too far.

He gets a ride to the airport in the Bachelor-hired car. He complains, mostly about the fact he was so confident and she blindsided him.

Josh Proposes 

Why are his pants and jacket so tight? Did the humidity make him expand? Good lord! He’s still hot though. He walks out to Andi and is sweating his balls off. He tells her when he gave up his first love, baseball, he knew there was a bigger love out there. Oh lord, her whole life is about to become a baseball metaphor. When she’s giving birth: “Andi, hit this one out of the park!” etc, etc.

He goes on and on and on. He finally stops and she tells him that she’s madly in love with him too. And that he’s the one she wants to spend the rest of her baseball days with. Good lord, get this guy a bottle of water!

After the Final Rose 

This could just be called the Nick special. What happened next with Nick…well, he went home and was super pissed he wasn’t chosen. I do believe he was heartbroken, yes, but 90% of his sadness stems from the fact he feels he was led on and humiliated on TV. He’s mostly just annoyed that he THOUGHT he would be the winner. We follow him all the way back to Milwaukee so we can see him ponder Andi sadly in a market, overlooking a river, etc.

He goes back to the Men Tell All taping and tries to get her to talk to him. She refuses. Couldn’t they just have asked her before he flew all the way out there? That seems like a waste of money.

Out on stage, Chris talks to Nick about how that was actually his second attempt at trying to talk to her. She refused him that time too. Nick AGAIN says how he felt so blindsided because she gave him so many reasons to be confident (One reason – she gave him her vagine.)

Andi comes out on stage and for trying to talk to her for three months, he doesn’t have much to say. He’s sad, he’s uncomfortable, but as we’re about to find out, his pride is just hurt that he was overly-confident and got shit on. He drops the bomb, “If you weren’t in love with me, then why did you make love to me?”

GASP! Wait, does this fucking woman have minions on her nails?

He adds on, “That night was fiancé type of stuff.” Soooo, he’s a single dude in Chicago – am I honestly supposed to believe that he’s never had sex with anyone that he wasn’t in love with? Every woman he’s been with has been almost his fiancé? I’m far from a slut, but please, I’ve had sex with a dude that I don’t think I’ll marry. Sometimes it’s just fun and you’re drunk. Maybe I am a slut…

Perhaps Nick has only had sex with one other woman (his past ex-fiancé) because he truly believes that you don’t have sex with anyone unless you’re about to marry them. Maybe he’s truly pious and way less slutty than I am. But I just doubt it, so chill out Nick. Therefore, I chalk this move up to asshole-ness. She humiliated him (in his eyes) by making him think he was the one and then dumping him on TV. That’s embarrassing (to him). So he wanted to humiliate her. True, she had opportunity to talk to him in private – maybe if she did that, he wouldn’t have said that on National TV. Either way, his ego was bruised and I think he was kind of a dick here. Bottom line: He’s got major crazy potential, and he’s a bit of a prick.

Also, she was PISSED. I love how Andi gets pissed and if she’s pissed at you, you’re done. She’ll never talk to your ass again. She was fuming.

Bachelor in Herpes-dise Promo 

Please, people, this shit looks incredible. I’ll be there next Monday, for SURE.

Josh and Andi 

Of the hour long special, Andi and Josh are together on stage for three minutes. He’s got something in his eye and won’t stop poking at it. They’re happy together and have been sneaking around Atlanta together. I thought he lived in Miami now? Also, between Josh, Andi and Nick, it’s teeth-o-rama on this show. Wow.

Chris Harrison makes fun of Andi’s frownie face, which I appreciate she readily admits to. They bring out grumpy cat and oddly, throw that shit on her lap. Can someone get this cat off me? This dress is expensive. Thaaaanks.

So that’s all for this season. Good stuff, peeps. See you next week, people. Herpes-dise!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap – Men Tell All and an Ultrasound

First of all, I cannot even begin to thank all my cyber friends for all the amazing love and support I received last week after letting everyone know about my mom’s cancer diagnosis! I received tons of comments, emails, tweets, etc. It was just such a wonderful surprise and it made me realize why I still do this. It’s becoming harder to write about this same shit show every week but I would miss you guys if I stopped. Truly – thank you for your support.

Quick colon cancer update since so many people have asked. I’m down here with mom in Southern California (I live in Northern California for those who don’t know). She’s hanging in there, but clearly not her lively self. After some tests and scans they found the cancer has not spread past her colon, which is amazing, amazing news. Surgery soon and we’re hoping that’s it. But she’s been sick so we’re not sure how this will all go, if they’ll find something else unexpected, and how she’ll handle surgery. So we’re not out of the woods but all indications say that the cancer is totally treatable.

Onto the Men Tell All. I’m busy with Mom so this will probably be short and sweet which is fine considering there isn’t too much to discuss. This show could definitely be one hour.

JP and Ashley 

These two are back…She is not only pregnant but has the biggest boobs I’ve seen in awhile. And on full display, yowzers! The fact that they tore a hole in her dress to do a live ultrasound on a Bachelor special tells me just how low this franchise will go. Don’t get me wrong, I was mesmerized but at one point, my mom yelled, “What the fuck are they doing??” So I know I’m not alone in thinking that was a little bananas. Also, that took awhile. I bet the ultrasound guy couldn’t find a penis or vagina on that thing but was terrified to say it. That would not have gone over well with producers. So he says, “Uhhh it’s a…boy?”

Before we meet the guys, there is a Bachelor in Paradise preview, which I have to say…looks Amazing. AMAZING. They’re doing a good job in selling it – I definitely want to see it. I tell my mom this. She replies, “Oh good lord, Jennifer….is Castle on now?”

The Guys 

Har har you’re all wearing scarves. Also, Dylan looks WAY better with that mane under control. Other things to note: Three guys are wearing red pants, and annoying Marquel has a cookie on his lapel. Dork.

They talk about the “blackies” incident for twenty minutes. Seriously, that was overkill. They’re just trying to give Marquel some airtime so he can get some fan support so he’ll be the next Bachelor. The show came under fire for not having enough diversity a couple years ago, so clearly they want Marquel to be the FIRST African American bachelor. However, he’s on Bachelor in Paradise this summer, and a friend of mine made the good point that you give up your Bachelor card if you’re on Bach Pad. Excellent point. So we’ll see. In the meantime, I just wish they’d shut the hell up about this.

After we hash out this fight forever, Marquel now gets in the hot seat. Uh, why? He didn’t even kiss her, he wasn’t close to the end, sooooo they must be giving him a Bachelor audition here. Oh wait, no, he just had cookies to hand out.

Marcus is now in the hot seat. Here are my notes from this part. “He cried a lot when he got kicked off. He’s now on Bachelor in Paradise.” Clearly, it was a riveting segment. He just failed HIS Bachelor audition.

Now the farmer is in the hot seat. He’s pretty hot…I THINK I could handle him naked on top of me. Anyway, this chick in the audience was so planted there. Give me a break. So some random girl asks to meet Chris, come up and sits next to him. Chris Harrison tells them to have a speed date during the commercial break. What if, when they came back, Farmer and random chick were making out and he was rubbing her boobs? That would’ve been awesome.


Have I ever said that I actually think Andi has decent taste in clothes? Most of these bachelorettes are so tacky but I like her stuff… with the HUGE exception of those camel toe pants. This dress tonight is awesome…a bit fancy for this, but whatever. Also, did she get a boob job? Also, if I sat on that sofa in that dress, my thigh cellulite would be all squished and puckered against itself. Attractive, I know.

Why does this random pro golfer keep talking?

Nobody says anything interesting. Lie detector results come out and we find out Dylan was a big liar, saying he prefers brunettes (liar) and is ready for marriage (liar. And no shit.) Josh also lied but Andi AGAIN says she doesn’t want to hear it. Why not? He’s not even there. Screw trust – go get the goods.

Bloopers are the best always, but even these aren’t amazing. Is it the cancer shitting on my sense of humor? It’s not that funny, amiright?

Next week is the finale and we see a quick review of Josh and Nick. They play the whole thing like Nick is all crazy dog (“SHE WILL BE MY WIFE. SHE WILL.) And Josh is the one she really likes but maybe he’ll hurt her. What to do, Andi? What to do…I’m rooting for Joshie only because he’s waaaaaay hotter.

I’ll see you next week for the finale, hopefully. And then onto Bachelor in Herpes-dise.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap and Colon Cancer? Say What?

So here’s the scoop. My mom was diagnosed with colon cancer last week. Needless to say, it’s been a shitty five days. I am also now sick as a dog since I’ve been crying and not sleeping… and the fact my kids are sick too and they like to cough RIGHT in my face probably didn’t help. All of this means I’m not writing a Bachelorette recap this week. Let’s face it – this show is the same goddamn thing every week and I’ve been blogging for seven years or so? So it’s safe to say that I’m finding it hard to say funny things anymore, and this week of course, it is near impossible to be funny.

 However, I still watched the show. I like the damn show. It’s ridiculous and it’s no secret it’s my guilty pleasure. I own that. It was a good escape last night. So I watched it and though I don’t have the energy to recap the entire show, I will list some of my favorite parts from last night. Here goes:

- Jury is back: I do NOT want Nick on top of me naked and I DO want Josh there.
- Boys who scrapbook immediately leave sexy zone. Those drawings were pretty good though.
- Nick says “like” way too much. Like, WAY too much. It’s super annoying. He sounds like he’s 12.
- Exploring the city date = short end of the stick
- Josh tells the camera how much he loves Andi and that he’ll give her unconditional love and support, and that he’ll always protect her and trust her. No really, I love him. I’m not saying they’d last forever, but I dig him right now.
 - Of course they give Farmer the horse date.
- Chris tells Andi his favorite part of his hometown date was when “you just hopped on my lap and went to town.” So THAT could be misconstrued.
- The real reason she cancelled Chris’ fantasy suite date was because her vagina was bruised from all that horse riding. And from Josh and Nick the nights before. Mostly Josh, probably.
- She likes Chris and knows he’s the best guy there with the best family, but she’s not feelin’ it. She doesn’t want him in her vagine. She wants to want it, but she doesn’t. Buh Bye Chris. I LOVE him. But don’t sweat it, America – I’d bet my hat he’ll be the next Bachelor.
- Could the rose ceremony be ANY further from the car?
- Guaranteed the producers made Andi do the rose ceremony. “We did NOT spend five thousand dollars making this wood platform on the ocean so it goes to waste.”
- I had to dive under my couch after she gave both Nick and Josh roses and then they all just stand around…and talk about love and the fact she banged both of them within the previous 48 hours. I mean, STOP. (see what I did there?)

Next week is Men Tell All and the next Monday is the finale. I’m mildly interested to see how it all goes down, but I am extremely excited for Bachelor in Paradise. I mean, have you seen previews? The cast? Good shit, people. See you next week, hopefully. I’m playing it by ear.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - Soooo many damn siblings

I’m tired.

Milwaukee with Nick 

We start in Milwaukee, Wisconsin with Nick and his big ass family. They start with a tour of the Milwaukee public market. Nick says, “I like spending time here.” That’s weird. Don’t you say, “I like going here” or “I like buying cheese here.” To say “spending time here”, feels like he comes and does Tai Chi outside of it.

They go to a brewery next. I feel like going to a brewery in Milwaukee is like going to Alcatraz if you live in San Francisco. It’s totally cool, but you don’t really do it. Then they polka dance, which is more like hopping. No real technique there.

Then they head to his parent’s home – the ULTIMATE Midwestern house. It’s exactly the house I grew up in, in Minnesota. And holy holy shit why are there so many kids? At least nine siblings right? I lost count. How is that even remotely manageable? Did this happen on purpose?

One of the sisters asks Nick if Andi makes him laugh. He pauses and says, “She just makes me smile.” So that’s not awesome.

Littlest sister Bella asks precocious questions, which is annoying. I mean…this mother. How can she have a 9 year old and a 33 year old? Is Nick the oldest? Isn’t that poor woman tired of mothering? I know it’s a blessing and the greatest job in life, blah blah blah. But you know what else is great? Having them grow up and traveling to Italy alone with your husband.

Andi asks Bella if she’d take her as a sister. She responds, “Quite honestly, there’s enough fucking people in this family. Nobody even remembers to feed me. I haven’t been to school in three weeks because Mom forgot. She was sleeping. She’s really tired.”

To her credit, Nick’s mom seems totally sweet and normal. How is that POSSIBLE? Nick says his mom knows him better than anyone. I mean, she mixes him up with the other brothers, but COLLECTIVELY she knows them all, in a smashed together sort of way.

Anyway, I dig her and her pearls. She cries and tells Nick she wants him to be happy. THIS is a better Mom than me. I’d be all, “She has a frownie face! She’s totally crazy when you fight with her and won’t let you get a word in edgewise! My baby can do better! OK she’s totally hot and smart – there’s nothing wrong with her at all but nobody will love you as much as I do!!” Oh god I’m going to be a crazy mother-in-law.

Arlington, Iowa with Chris 

So now we know why a hot, normal, sweet guy like Chris is still single. He literally lives in the middle of fucking NOWHERE.

He drives Andi around in a tractor and I’m sure he has a massive boner. They have a picnic where Chris tries to brace her for her life as a housewife. She physically winces. She’s no Nick Mom. I hear ya, sister. He mentions she could be a lawyer in Cedar Rapids, which is 70 miles away. I googled it. So that’d be a fun commute. Plane flying an “I love you” message? Winner.

They meet his family – parents and three siblings. I get why French braid mom had four kids there – there was nothing else to do but procreate and they probably needed help with the farming work on all that goddamn land.

Here’s my take on Chris’ family. These people rock. I’d love to be surrounded by such fun, super normal, crazy people like this. They seem like the happiest, nicest friggin family ever. Mom is seriously the best. I want to reach through my TV and take her home. She needs a serious fashion intervention but shit, if I lived on a farm and never saw anyone but my kids and husband, I’d look that way too. Shit, I see hundreds of people every day and I barely shower three times a week.

The sisters love Chris and tell Andi how amazing he is. My brother would never say anything like this about me. His mom takes Andi aside and tells her she loves her and wishes her good luck on her decision. She adds, “I guess your life depends on it.” I love that shot of drama! Wow mom!

These awesome, fun people play ghost in the graveyard. I don’t know this game but I want to play it with these people. I bet they get wasted. These are MY people! I want to marry Chris. I sense Andi loves them as much as I do, but doesn’t love Chris quite as much. Anyway, that’s about it.

Tampa, Florida with Josh 

They head to a baseball field, despite the heavy trauma it inflicts on Josh to see baseballs. They play around a bit and then head to his family’s house because CLEARLY this family has an unnaturally close bond. They need to get OUT of each other’s pants, my god.

Hot little brother Aaron is about to be drafted to the NFL and the whole fucking family is obsessed with it all. Obsessed. I get it, let’s be excited for him – that’s pretty awesome. But a little balance seems in order. Andi is worried (RIGHTFULLY SO) that if she married Josh, life would be all about Aaron’s football games and all about doing shit with his family ALL THE TIME. If Andi wanted to take the kids to Disneyland it probably wouldn’t be allowed unless Aaron and the whole family went. Yes, Andi, when you’re married your new little family becomes the priority but I have a feeling Josh’s family will disagree with that one. Good luck there.

Andi tries to chat with Mommy about it and mom says, “I don’t see Josh cutting the cord.” Oh lady, you’re in for a rude awakening. Josh will, in fact, probably want to live with his wife and not you. Also? Josh’s mom is hot and looks younger than me.

She talks to sisters, the dad, Aaron and it seems like they’re REALLY hammering home the whole “you’re marrying the family” shit. Although Mom eventually says to the camera, “When Josh gets married, his wife will be his priority”, although you can almost SEE her gritting her teeth.

Dallas with Marcus 

Marcus claims he’s going to take Andi through a day-in-the-life of Marcus in Dallas. So he takes her to a strip club…during the day…and strips for her. What the fuck? This is so uncomfortable. And I guarantee you it’s a Producer request. I’m so embarrassed. Am I under my sofa? Almost, but this one you just have to see unfold. It’s really bad.

We head to the incredibly uncomfortable family house where Andi meets Marcus’ mom, sister, brother, niece and nephew. By now, I’m over this family shit so I admit I zone out a lot here. I really love his brother – seems like a nice, normal dude. And he has a nice moment with Marcus, when Marcus thanks him for being like a Dad to him. Geez, this shit is deep and sad.

Marcus’ mom is downright terrifying. Perhaps it’s because I know she was super mean to them as kids, but it’s also the Russian in her. She reminds me of Bela Karolyi. To her defense, she seems nice and sweet, but just a little guarded. OK and terrifying.

Marcus ends the boring date by going waaaaay overboard on how much he loves her. Yikes.

Eric News 

Everyone is called to Chris Harrison’s house in LA and they all must be totally confused why they’re there. Chris tells everyone that Eric passed away and the guys are freaky quiet. Andi cries but holds it together – ish. Then when the camera gets put on the ground, yet still conveniently filming, she loses it, saying, “I can’t believe that was my last conversation with him.” It’s all incredibly sad – seriously, what a loss.

Rose Ceremony 

OMG they're exactly the same.

24 hours later, they’re back at the mansion for the rose ceremony. Andi chats with Chris and it’s all so friggin sad. She’s struggling with the news and the makeup people are struggling to reapply 100 times since she keep messing up her evening eyes. She finally makes it to the rose ceremony. Oh wait, she’s gone again. Now she’s back. Roses go to:

-Josh – Traumatic baseball past. So hot. His family will insist on living in Josh and Andi’s basement.
-Chris – Hot farmer. Sweet. Perfect. Nice family. Only drawback is the fact he lives in the middle of fucking nowhere.
-Nick – Overly confident. I’m torn on him – the guys hate him but he cries and seems to love Andi. What the hell? Is he crazy?

So Marcus is sent home, which wasn’t too shocking after National Russian Gymnastic Team feeling of his hometown date. But it’s still sad – Marcus is totally torn up, saying, “I saw a future with you and that’s the hardest thing - letting go of that.” Ugh that does suck. Poor Marcus. In the limo, he says, “I feel like an idiot.” Oh lord, you don’t even know what that means until you see yourself in that strip club.

Next week, the kids are off to the Dominican Republic for some fantasy suite action. See you then, kids.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - The Dry Hump Episode

This week there are two one-on-one dates and one group date but there is only a rose on the group date oh my god I don’t give a shit about this show anymore. Andi’s frownie face is also wearing on my last nerve. And I keep waiting for someone to express a concern again and then she gets all pissy pants and shuts down. She’s fun.

Six guys left, we’re in Belgium and this entire episode is about Nick’s over-confidence and the guys’ gay scarves.

Marcus Date 

Marcus and Andi walk around town. At least an hour of this episode is walking around town. Eating chocolate. And watching animals. We could do an hour show, people. Don’t need two. At a café, Andi asks Marcus if he’s been journaling. Sigh. I’m sorry, I’m sure journaling is healthy or artistic or some shit, but it’s just a bit of a turn off for me. I want a guy in touch with his feelings but don’t be THAT in touch.

Marcus comments it’s the first day he feels like Andi is his girlfriend. It’s pretty accurate. Yup, whenever I would go on a date with my boyfriend, I go home alone and dry hump a different dude against a tree.

They eat dinner alone in a fancy palace, and I mean, how many goddamn palace dinner dates can you do in one season? She asks about his family and I’m thoroughly confused. It SOUNDS like his mom beat him. But yet they’re totally friends now? Sure, I’m down with forgiveness, but I just can’t get my head around a child-beater. I’d have a tough time with that lady as my mother-in-law.

She calls Marcus a real man and they dry hump against a wall. The end.

Nick Rendezvous 

Marcus comes back to the guys’ hotel room and Nick doesn’t like the fact he was feeling up his lady. So he heads to the front desk where he is not only given Andi’s room number but also a key. Note to self: Security is horrible at the Grand Schweistsenmeiner hotel. For real, how fucking stupid are the producers? They think we buy this shit? Front desk lady would never do that, especially since Nick looked like a shady child molester asking for her room key.

Dylan pony tail NO.

Back to Nick – he goes to Andi’s room where they both claim their hearts are racing. Ewww. She claims Nick is breaking rules, but that’s not true. If he was breaking a rule, the producers wouldn’t let him do it. It’s not like they don’t know it happened. Can you tell I’m ornery about this show?

As she gets felt up against a tree, she voiceovers that her relationship with Nick is all about passion. It’s mentally, physically, emotionally passionate. Shut up. You want to get in his pants, but there is no such thing as mental passion. Idiots.

Josh Date 

This entire date, no really – the entire date – is Andi saying over and over again that she needs Josh to tell her how he feels. He’s holding back. I wish he was more open. She literally says it thirty times. WE GET IT. Maybe he’s not feeling it? Or maybe he’s just not a total pussy and doesn’t want to spill his heart when he knows your vagina is on vacation with three other dudes in Belgium.

Of course, it’s probably why she likes him. He’s the challenge. The inaccessible one. Seriously, girls are so annoying.

They start the date by…wait for it…walking around town! Nothing to report. He’s hot though. They head to dinner in a…wait for it…fancy castle. She comments he hasn’t opened up. Maybe if you pipe down and stop leaving the date to bitch to the cameras about his lack of opening up, he might open up.

He finally says he’s falling in love with her and she beams like she’s just been told she won the lottery. Now she’ll probably decide to stop liking him. Girls, sheesh.

They enjoy a concert by two people I’ve never heard of. They make out in smoky light. Par for the course, Bachelor-style. The end.

Group Date 

The group date is for Nick, Brian, Chris and Dylan. They get out of the city to explore Le Ruins de Brussels. It’s not really called that. Three things to note here: Dylan took his ponytail out, everyone hates Nick and Andi likes tight pants.

Nick bitches again about group dates. Those dates are not miserable because of the other guys, but because they have to do humiliating things and sweaty physical activity. I’d be super pissed if I had to ride that rail bike thing.

Dylan comments the Ruins de Brussels have stood the test of time. Ummm, not really. They look pretty shitty and worn down to me. He then says, “I hope Andi and I’s relationship could also stand the test of time.” Way to bring it full circle, Dylan. Also, those ruins started out as a castle and now they are some rocks with grass on them. It’s actually quite an accurate way to describe the future of their relationship.

They head to a real working monastery. The only reason they allowed them to film there was if they promised not to kiss. Nick raises his hand: “Excuse me, Mr. Producer? Is actual penetration acceptable? Like Pretty Woman?”

Oddly, Chris and Andi do pottery and it’s almost an under-the-sofa moment. It is not at all sexual to rub your hands in wet clay. This is not Ghost in 1991. Then they have a clay fight. Totes sexual.

Nick spouts off about his confidence and the guys talk a lot of shit about him. Nick comments that if he gets the rose on this date, it’ll be her way of telling him that she loves him back. Ummm, or it’ll be her way of telling him that she likes him as much as three other guys and she’s currently dry humping all of you. But whatever makes you sleep at night, Nicky.

Of course, she gives the goddamn rose to Nick and America lets out a collective groan. He now thinks he’s got this in the bag. He says, “My confidence is at its peak.” Ewww.

Brian, Dylan and Chris have to go home early and they shove them into a little European van, clown-car style. There are a lot of bleeps. It’s not lookin’ good for these three. Also WHAT is that super gay green bracelet that Brian is wearing?

Back in the hotel, the guys are still bashing on Nick. He comes home and they yell at him a little bit. Same shit. They yell at him for strategizing, for being over-confident, untrustworthy and just annoying in general. I’m booooored. Also, Nick mumbles a lot. He says, “I can’t control how the guys think about me.” Ummm, yes you can. Don’t be a douche bag and they won’t think you’re a douche bag. Just a thought.

Cocktail Party 

It’s oddly clear to everyone that Josh and Marcus are getting two of the roses. The last one is between Chris, Dylan and Brian. I can tell Brian is out, but I’m torn between Dylan and Chris. I like both of them, but if it came down to who I want on top of me naked, which is of course the most important consideration of a husband, it would be Dylan, hands down. There’s something too soft about Chris… and Marcus, too.

At least Chris and Andi kiss sometimes, but Dylan and Andi seem to have no chemistry. He’s hot – why is this?

Rose Ceremony 

Andi, husband bowling

Nick already has a rose. The three others go to:

Josh – Super hot. He’s growing on me too. Mama like, mama like.
Marcus – Seriously heavy childhood baggage but I like him. But he seems a tad soft and quiet.
Chris – Farmer and seriously nice guy. I want him to date someone I know. Just not me. But I like him.

Therefore, Dylan and Brian are sent home. Dylan is heartbreakingly sad, crying, saying he deserves to fall in love. Ugh, this is sad. Next Bachelor? Brian is sad too, but he’s more pissed than sad. Next week looks ok – Chris tells Andi to be an Iowa housewife and they all learn about Eric’s death. Ugh, sad. Oh and Brian is afraid of pickles. See you next week, peeps.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap – Do you Faaahrt in public?

I’ve said this a lot but I really mean it this time. Ohmygod this was the most boring episode ever.

Eight guys left and they’re in Venice. Nick (33 year-old Software Sales Executive) gets the first one-on-one date. Also, my friend called him “untamed vagine head” last night. It’s so amazing I can’t take credit for it.

Nick Date 

I can’t put my finger on it, but Nick kind of sucks. More on that later. They start the date by taking the first of at least five fucking gondola rides that day. We GET it, you’re in VENICE. I have quite honestly nothing to report – it is THE most boring date ever. They let a swarm of disgusting pigeons land on them. My god.

At one point Andi comments that it’s attractive to her when a man does not have enemies. She tells him at dinner she likes men who other people like. Really? That’s super weird. I like men who everyone hates and has tons of enemies. Like Hitler. I mean, let’s state the obvious, Andi. Next she says, “Also, I find it super unattractive when men hit me. Or poop their pants. I thought you should know.”

She says she wants to figure out why he was such a sourpuss asshole on last week’s date. Not her exact words, but you know. They talk in their third gondola ride but I can’t focus on their chat because I’m checking out the Go Pro cameras attached to the boat. That’s cool.

Side note: Back at the hotel, when the group date card comes, Cody realizes he gets a one-on-one date. He is unattractively excited and says, “When I bust out of my shell she better watch out.” Good lord what does that mean? Sounds like it could be dangerous, with those arms and all.

Dinnertime! Back on the damn gondola. In an evening gown. They eat somewhere fancy and she asks him about why everyone hates him. She also says, “Do you think you’re a frontrunner?” He replies, “I’m fortunate to have the connection we do and don’t think others could have that.” It’s a solid answer. It’s honest and shows confidence in them. However the problem lies in the fact that he tells the other guys that same shit. When they’re all sitting around talking about Andi, keep quiet about how awesome your connection is. In other words, keep your fucking mouth shut.

He says he’s falling in love with her, blah blah blah. They kiss, and I’m sorry but those kisses are different than the ones she gives Chris or JJ. She wants her some pube head. He gets the rose. And then she gives him a masquerade mask and he’s all, “Whoa that’s gay and I’m not nearly confident enough to pull that off.”

Group Date 

The group date is for Josh, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ and Chris. These six dudes and Andi spend some time dicking around in the street. Then she takes them to a castle where they’re forced to take lie detector tests. Josh is the most pissed saying that she should trust them, he trusts her, blah blah blah. I’m sorry but that’s not true. If you have nothing to hide, you take the damn test and don’t freak out. If you lecture your girlfriend on “you should just trust me” shit, it means you’re cheating on them. Didn’t that happen to all of you? I had more than one guy act shady and when I questioned them, they gave me fucking mind-game answers like, “Don’t you trust me?”

Josh then says something like, “If you’re married, you can’t just ask someone in the middle of 30 years to take a lie detector test to see if something’s going on.” Why the hell not? My husband would totally do it. First of all, he knows I’m crazy. Second of all, he has nothing to hide. My rant here means Josh is shady. Let’s move on.

During the lie detector test, everyone gets asked normal questions and then poor Dylan gets asks about sleeping with over 20 women and washing his hands after he shits. What the? Oddly, Dylan leaves the date soon after this. Was he sick over the test? Perhaps he has a stomach virus from all the germy feces on his hands.

Lie detector guy comes out and says Andi told two lies, three men told no lies, one man told two lies and two men told three lies. I’M SO PISSED SHE DOESN’T OPEN THE RESULTS. What’s the damn point? I also can’t believe Brian just rips into her results and she doesn’t give him shit for it later on.

Anyway, Josh is thrilled that she rips up their results without reading them. He says, “That spoke volumes to me. Now I know she trusts me. Plus she’ll never know I have hand, foot and mouth disease and a missing testicle.”

After the tests, they have a little after-party. Brian takes her aside, does some dumb lie detector test and plants one on her. He says to the camera, “It feels good to step up.” Dude, stop analyzing your pussiness. OK I like him – seems like a normal guy but not naked-on-top-of-me.

Marcus tells her it’s tough for him to show her his vulnerable side. I can’t think of anything more unattractive than a guy saying it’s tough to show his vulnerable side. Marcus admits he almost left the show and she is wearing her frownie face. She is NOT pleased. But guess what? Marcus is in love with her so she’s happy again. Blaaaaaah blah blah.

She talks with Josh and gets her typical defensive pissiness. He tells her he was pissed about the lie detector and immediately she assumes he’s wrong and gets defensive, bitchy and unresponsive. This is totally her deal. How annoying.

Farmer Chris admits he is the secret admirer. She already knew. He says some nice things and then grabs her to kiss her. He acts like a bit of a puss sometimes but he really goes for it here. Then he yells at some dudes later. I like the manlier Chris this episode. Andi doesn’t though – when he kisses her, she pulls away a lot. It’s not a get-your-tongue-in-my-mouth kiss, like with Nick. I don’t get it either.

She does give Chris the rose, which works for me.

Cody Date 

Reminder - Cody is the 28 year-old Personal Trainer, but one look at him and you’d know that. Anyway, they walk around the town of Verona and pretend to be Romeo and Juliet. I want to go to bed. Yawn.

What the hell are those people in the corner doing? 

HUGE urge to pull those shorts out of her crack 

Apparently there is a place where people can write Juliet letters about their love problems. This brings up so many questions for me. Why do they write to her? First of all, she’s not real. Second of all, she’s dead. There are some messed up people out there.

For this date, Cody and Andi will read and respond to a few letters from crazy people who write to Juliet. First, there’s crazy Mary, a 36 year-old single gal from Los Angeles who doesn’t know what texting is. Then there’s a DUDE. That’s right – a DUDE who writes to Juliet about his unrequited love for “Sarah”. Cody responds to him, telling him to be confident and to be himself. He should have added, “And stop writing to dead people for love advice and maybe see a therapist.”

As an aside, I’ve never been more confident I know how a date will end. He seems like a nice guy for sure, but there is nothing there. Nada. He, however, is totally oblivious. At dinner he just spouts off about how he wants to kiss her, roll around with her and generally molest her. She FINALLY cuts him off, crying, saying she doesn’t feel it, and tells him to get out. I feel bad for him but I knew this one awhile ago. Also that was the tightest blazer and deepest V-neck I’ve seen on a dude. Ever.

Poor Cody. I hope he finds love. I love him a little but I don’t want him naked on top of me. That’s not just for my own safety, but he doesn’t do it for me. He redeems himself by keeping totally quiet in the limo, despite the producers probably begging him to cry about her. Good for you, dude.

Who knew I was going to post this photo? 

Cocktail Party 

Nick grabs her right away and lays one of her. Guys are pissed. Andi is NOT. Also, side boob. That’s all, I’m tired. Nobody cares.

Rose Ceremony 

Chris (32, Farmer) and Nick already have roses. The other four roses go to:

Dylan (26, Accountant) – Poop on his hands
Brian (27, Basketball Coach) – Pussy? Nice? Hot? Dork? Hard to tell.
Marcus (25, Sports Medicine Manager) – Sooooo quiet and a little boring these days.
Josh (29, Former Pro Baseball Player) – Hiding something.

That means JJ goes home. Ye ole’ Pantsapreneur. Buh bye. I liked him but it was pretty obvious she wasn’t feeling him. Also there was the issue of…his pants. I do feel bad for him…seems like a nice dude. Next week the six remaining guys are off to Brussels. See you then!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - Bachelor Mimes and French things

We’re down to 11 dudes. The gang heads to Marseilles, France and Andi tells us she loves it there because it’s “a huge port area”. Or, a PORT. I must be in a salty mood, to quote one young bachelorette, if I’m making fun of that. It’s gonna be a long night.

Chris Harrison, looking ever so French in that turtleneck action, sits with Andi and asks if she’s falling in love. “STOP”, she replies. No YOU fucking stop. Stop it, seriously cut that shit out.

Josh Date 

For those who don’t know me well, I usually gauge a guy by whether I can picture him naked on top of me. I realized tonight that I don’t want any of these guys naked on top of me. Well, I take that back. I can ALMOST picture Dylan on top of me naked but that’s mostly because the sex would be super angry and hot. Josh comes close – he’s the only other one I’d even begin to picture rubbing around on top of me. He’s really cute, but there’s something…..magoo about him. For being such a man’s man, he can be a total pussy when he talks about Andi. You’ll see what I mean.

Anyway, Josh (the 29 year-old Former Pro Baseball Player) gets the first date tonight. He tells Andi tonight that he played from age 17 to 22, so what has he been doing for work for the past seven years? Shouldn’t we default to the most current occupation for his title? The Beijing Summer Olympics were 8 years ago, but you don’t see me listing my title as “Former 100 Meter Backstroke Gold Medalist” everywhere, do you? There might be other reasons that’s not my title, I suppose.

Anyway, the date is like watching the Blair Witch project following these two around town. Easy cameras. Andi claims she wants to dig deeper in him today. That’s what he said, too, but he meant it in an entirely different way. They end up on a boat, and then sitting on some rocks, where they try to talk about his life but they just end up making out a lot. Do the guys ever ask her about her life or do they just not show it?

Back at the hotel, Marquel learns that Andrew called him a “blackie” at the first rose ceremony. Apparently he said, “She gave roses to both blackies”. This upsets him greatly. More on that later.

Andi and Josh head to dinner at some palace, where he said he’s feeling “blessed”. He says this is the “best date of my life.” See what I mean? He’s a bit over the top with that talk. It’s super nice and I think he’s probably a good guy but there’s something off-putting about over-the-top emotionalness in a dude. Seriously, guys can’t win with me – I’m such a bitch. You have to be a man’s man, yet super kind and giving but you can’t at all be a pussy about it. Geesh, high standards Jen.

 This is actually her happy, listening face

They are then treated to a private concert by Ben Fields. Seriously how old am I that I have no clue who this is? Perhaps it’s not a matter of age, but just my shitty taste in music. If it was Iggy Azalea singing Fancy I’d totally know who that was. What does that say about me?

 Do you think he's confident he's getting the rose?

Group Date 

The group date is for Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Cody (which my spell check just changed to “Body” which is awesome), JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick and Andrew. The guys are forced to take mime class, dress in totally humiliating clothing and then perform in the streets of Marseilles. Dylan has the quote of the night when he says, “I don’t know anything about mimes except they use their hands and……. do activities.” I mean, it’s totally accurate.

People are straight-up terrified of these freaky, shitty American mimes. Andi claims they “stepped it up” which is scary if THIS is considered “stepping it up”. JJ decides to reenact their date together, which is not a huge crowd pleaser since it’s basically an inside joke.

Not entirely attractive

Nick looks super pissy pants, and I get it because this date is total misery, but buck up, dude. Try to have the tiniest bit of fun. He says, “This isn’t natural or fun and I’m never going to pretend it’s going to be.” Well, wow, Mr. Dick. Geesh. Again, I agree, but don’t be such a wet blanket. I suspect pube head suffers from loooooow confidence and masks it by acting like he just hates this stuff.

At the after party, JJ takes her on a ferris wheel ride. Let me tell you who she’s NOT feeling – JJ.

The guys yell at Nick saying he’s super smug and arrogant. Again, this is masking his insecurities. I’m a psychologist, you know. Cody and his roid rage make a quick appearance as he lays into Nick. Nick is terrified of him. I guess Cody likes to spout off about how thankful he is for being on the show and Nick made fun of him. Ohhhh Nick, you broke the golden rule: Thou shalt never make fun of a man’s thankfulness. ?

Andi gets wind of all this drama and worries that Nick is manipulating her. Maybe he’s a dick after all, but she’s just blinded by the super strong emotional/mental connection. So yeah, that’s code for, he’s nice to hang with but I don’t want him naked on top of me. I have a mental connection with every guy on this show.

Marquel finally can’t handle his anger and confronts Andrew about calling him a “blackie”. Andrew looks shocked and I actually believe him. Andrew is pretty smarmy but I actually don’t think he said that. He was probably misunderstood. He probably said “she picked the black guys” or “she needs a sharpie”.

Andi is annoyed with the drama and doesn’t even want to hand out a group date rose, but decides to do it anyway because “it’s important for the guys to feel encouraged.” This isn’t fucking preschool t-ball – chill out. She gives the rose to JJ simply because he’s sitting next to her, I assume.

Brian Date 

Brian, the 27 year-old Basketball Coach, gets the other one-on-one date this week. He’s currently riding the “I kissed you on a basketball court” wave of appreciation from Andi which is about to come crashing down.

They head to a super cute theater in town, which is actually just an abandoned garage that the producers threw a TV screen in, a moldy couch and a popcorn machine. But in France, you can sell that as “charming”!

They’re forced to watch, what looks like a shitty movie about cooking in France, and voila – they are then forced to cook animal parts in a shitty French apartment. I hate cooking too, but if pushed into a kitchen, I’d just drink a lot and make the frog legs dance or something. But Brian completely fucking freezes. It’s actually weird. I get you’re not happy in the kitchen, but it’s not waterboarding. Chill out.

Andi is bummed this date is crashing. The food sucks so they go out to dinner instead. He puts his pussy aside and decides to kiss her. She keeps giving little kisses and pulling away instead of letting him put his tongue in her mouth. She’s not feeling it….Until he pulls her into the restaurant kitchen and forces his tongue in there! Way to go, Brian. In the background is this poor little restaurant owner saying, “Excuse me? Excuse e moi? It is against Marseilles health code to exchange bodily fluids in a place where food is prepared. Please stop.”

She gives him the rose as a symbol of progression. Ahhh the ever-romantic “progression” rose.

Bracelet bracelet bracelet mayday mayday!!! 

Cocktail Party/Chat with Chris

When in France, dress like the French do, Andi! Or maybe just Marie Antoinette – complete with her hair and corset. She tells Chris there is no need for a cocktail party, because let’s be honest, it’ll come down to JJ, Marcus, Josh, Nick and maybe Dylan. Let’s get rid of six of them. Chris tells her three guys is the maximum for elimination. She agrees. None of that happened, but it’s probably true.

Rose Ceremony 

Josh, Brian and JJ already have roses. Other roses go to:

Marcus (25, Sports Medicine Manager) – He didn’t speak this week. Cute, but…I don’t know.
Nick (33, Software Sales Executive) – Pube head, overly confident but actually masking insecurities. Also, I’m available for individual counseling, since apparently I’m a therapist now.
Chris (32, Farmer) – Cute and sweet, but probably a painfully slow love-maker.
Dylan (26, Accountant) – Sex would be angry and rough. Mmmm.
Cody (28, Personal Trainer) – Sex would squish you. I already made that joke. Also, I bet he orgasms with gusto.

This means Marquel, Andrew and Patrick head home. Patrick claims he’s heard from many people that he has good husband qualities. Except the one quality that says normal dudes don’t spout off about their “husband qualities”. Also, who the hell is this?

Marquel is broken up, crying about how he believes in love and really wants to find it. It’s like he’s auditioning to be the first Sharpie Bachelor. Ohhh I’m going to get emails about that one.

The gang is off to Venice next week – see you then!