please stop choking your sister

Soooo, for those of you who don't know, when I'm not watching/venting/writing about the Bachelor, I attempt to be a photographer. Like my writing, it's a little smart ass as well. I'm currently showing my new series, "please stop choking your sister" in my first solo gallery show in Berekely, California at a little gallery called The Lightroom. The series is my lighthearted take on motherhood. I thought I'd share it with all my faithful Bachelor fans. The series will be up until April 12th, if you're in the area. If you're not in the San Francisco Bay Area, you can see the entire series online at my photography website: www.jenfrasephotography.com - you'll find the series under the "portfolio" header.

If anyone is interested in purchasing a print (framed or unframed), please call the Lightroom Gallery at 510-649-8111.

I'm selling the 16x20 framed photos for $325, 16x20 unframed photos for $125, and 8x10 unframed photos for $70. The prints are on amazing fine art paper - they're beautiful! And the frame is a thin metal black frame, float matted on white. I'm also selling a fun notecard set for $25. The set has all 20 photos in the series, on a 4x6 postcard.

Hope you guys like it! Looking forward to the Bachelorette in the next couple months.

PS - This post didn't have any "fucks" in it at all - wow!

The Bachelor Finale Recap - "Most Dramatic!" Oh wait. No, not dramatic.

It wasn’t a “dramatic three hour event”, as advertised. Nothing can be dramatic for THREE fucking hours. I mean, good lord. I don’t want to do anything for three hours. Geesh.

So that was long… But at least it’s over and dare I say it: these two might make it to the Alter. I’m not saying they’ll be married forever, but I think they’ll get married just because they’re probably desperate to hump. Once they get married, hump and live together for three years, I don’t know what will happen. These are the dangers of being a born-again virgin. Let that be a lesson to you young people out there: Pre-marital sex is the best option. Wait…


The Lowe’s arrive in Thailand 

Shay Shay brought the damn kids to Thailand? That is a bold move…how many hours does it take to fly to Thailand? 76 maybe? 135? Waaaaaay too long with toddlers. Wow. I’m exhausted after the 35-minute flight to Los Angeles with my kids. And can’t you just see the Producers’ faces when Sean said to them, “Look, I want my family in Thailand and my sister wants two extra tickets and an extra bungalow for her spawn. Make it happen.”

Also, these people comprise the cutest fucking family of all time. I want to marry Sean too, just so I can hang out with Jay. Sherry? Not as much. But I want to party with Jay.

Sherry loves her Seannie, but she’s a bit annoying here, telling Sean OVER and OVER that he doesn’t have to get engaged. This one is afraid to lose her little boy. I get it. I’ll never let anyone marry my 5-year old son. I think about it and freak the fuck out. I plan on whispering to him on his wedding day “pssst, this is a huge mistake. Nobody will ever love you like I do. I will haunt this bitch’s dreams”.

 Love the cameraman running around behind them

Man, I’m chatty today. Let’s move on. The family meets Catherine first and my first tears are shed when she sits down with Jay. He says to her, “If it’s you, you will never have a bigger fan than me. I’ll love you like my daughter.” Seriously, I’m almost crying just writing this shit. How cute is that? I want to take off Jay’s clothes and make dirty love to him. Love him. Love. She looks genuinely touched and I want her to win so she can chill out with Jay on a porch swing for the rest of her life.

Sherry really likes Catherine too but she’s a little more reserved saying that Catherine is a great girl but she wishes they could spend more time together. Oh mommy. Chill, lady.

Next up is Lindsey and she’s nervous about meeting the family. She says, “I could easily walk though that door and make a bad impression.” Nah, you’ve never done THAT before.

Lindsey has nice talks with the fam, too, and she knows that the way into the Lowe’s hearts is to say the word, “prayer” a lot. So kudos to her about that. She tells Jay she wants to hang out with Sean for the rest of her life, which is kind of cute, actually. Then she says, “He challenges me.” What does that really mean? People say that shit all the time and I don’t totally get it. Why do you want someone challenging you all the time? That sounds exhausting. Can’t you just chill out together? I feel like the person who challenges you will be grilling you with Jeopardy questions all night long, and lecturing you on how you need a better job, or shit like that. No thanks. Let’s just drink wine, eat sandwiches and watch the Bachelor.

Jay tells Lindsey when Sean was born, they began praying for his wife, and when they meet her they wonder, “Is that the one I’ve been praying for all these years?” I mean, for fucks’ sake, the guy’s a poet. I’m crying. Again. He should be a motivational speaker or something. Good lord.

After she leaves, Jay tells Sean he loves both the girls and Sherry continues to freak out about Sean “not needing” to make a decision this week. Poor lady needs a Xanex or something.


Last date with Lindsey 

I mean...the pink denim shorts are unbelievable. I can’t decide if I’m mad and horrified at her for having the balls to wear this shit, or jealous that I would look horrendous in those. I guess I’m 13 years older than her. I would’ve rocked those at 24, too. No, I wouldn’t have. Maybe 18. Maybe…

They take a raft ride and all I can think is…that shit is not well made. It’s about to sink. Abort!

Nothing important happens on the raft. Back at her hotel room there is a lot of slurpy kissing. A lot. She tells him she has a surprise for him. Oh no. I’m picturing the dreaded scrapbook. She gives him three lanterns – they’re supposed to write a wish on each one and light them and send them into the world and the wishes will come true. She writes, “Love”, “Happiness” and “Family” on them. I guess she should have been more specific?

Also, that is a crazy fire hazard. Wow. Way to almost light an entire country on fire. Good lord.


Last date with Catherine 

Catherine tells Sean she got to touch an elephant yesterday. Sean replies, “In a couple months you can touch my elephant, if you know what I mean.” No, he didn’t say that.

They ride an elephant around which excites Catherine to no end. I feel a bit voyeuristic watching them ride it, because of the way the elephant walks and the way Sean is smashed up against Catherine’s ass, they look like they’re humping every time the elephant takes a step. I’m sure he has the biggest born-again-virgin boner ever. It’s actually a bit awkward. It’s not like they can have sex for months anyway after that ride – her lady parts are going to need time to heal. Bruised much? Ouch.

Back at her hotel room that night, she blabs about how difficult it is to open up. Honestly, I zoned out here and there’s no way I’m rewinding. Sorry. She eventually tells him she loves him and he responds with, “We had fun today, right?” Sean…Sean boy. Not cool. I get that you can’t say, “I love you”, but you could throw the girl a tiny bone, right? (no pun intended). You could say, “You know I can’t say anything, but I really, really like you too.” OK maybe that’s worse.

So she’s a little pissed, saying she can’t get anything out of him and she needs to know there’s some kind of reciprocation. Hang on - I have to note this down for my seminar. He CAN’T SAY HE LOVES YOU. Geesh. This seminar is going to be a big seller here. I can help a lot of chicks out.

Hold the phone! Neil Lane is in Thailand! He says he has the best job in the world. No shit – you get to fly to Thailand for a thirty-second appearance. Sean tells him, “I want a ring that says ‘This is how I feel and these feelings aren’t going to change ever’.” Neil responds with, “Riiiiight, well, they’re just rings, so I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Can you pick one? I’d like to go ride an elephant today.”


Final Rose Ceremony! 

I like that I put an exclamation mark on that paragraph heading. As if I’m SO EXCITED!

Lindsey, Catherine and Sean voice over themselves saying they’re nervous, in love, blah blah blah. The first one out of the Thai limo is………….Lindsey. As she’s walking to Sean, she says, “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m going to get engaged. I’m just so happy, I can’t believe this happened. It’s what I’ve always wanted.” Way to rub salt in the wound, Bachelor people.

Sean says goodbye to Lindsey, saying a bunch of lines like “it’s not you” and “I’ve been praying for clarity”, blah blah and she handles it well. She’s emotional but not rude and not a big baby. She says, “So I’m going to go now because this is really painful.” She then takes her heels off, as if to say, “Fuck you. I don’t need to impress you anymore.” So that’s cool.

In the limo, she’s a little more pissed, saying, “He dangled everything I wanted in front of my face.” I don’t even NEED to make the joke here, do I?

Smitty walks up to Sean and gives him a note. This fucking note has been dramatically advertised all season, when it fact, it turns out to be….a note. About nothing. It’s from Catherine, obviously, and she tells Sean she’ll love him forever and can’t wait to build a life, blah blah. Damn Bachelor people.

Sean is looking VERY orange when he tells Catherine how much he loves her and that he wants to spend the rest of his life telling her that he loves her. She, on the other hand, looks like she’s about to vomit. Really. She is shitting her very gold dress. He gets down on one knee, asks her to marry him and she says yes, then hugs him and says, “I’m so addicted to you!” Oh lord.

I thought that was Smitty watching them

She looks really happy and so does Sean. Sherry is at home crying, however, and Jay is giving himself a high-five. (?) Shay is at home crying since her kids have still not recovered from the Thailand flight jetlag. And I’m crying because it’s cute and I’m so fucking happy this is over. Mama needs a break.


After the Final Rose 

This was dumb. They could have tacked on ten extra minutes for this. Lindsey came out first and asked Sean all the same questions that all cast-off chicks ask: What did I do wrong? What went wrong? When did you know? Sean explains that he has no real reason except that he fell in love with Catherine. I don’t know…if I guy tells me he wants to break up because he’s in love with someone else, that’s usually enough for me.

Catherine comes out next and they look cute and in love, etc. They’re looking forward to holding hands in public and going to movies. Also, they’re extremely excited to bone. They didn’t say that exactly, but they announced that they will have their wedding on ABC, soon. That is code for, we want to get married ASAP so we can hump, but we don’t want to actually have to plan or pay for it.

Catherine isn’t super eloquent when put on the spot. When asked about their wedding, she says, “I don’t see why there has to be a waiting period.” Ummm, like when you buy a gun?

Sean then says that he doesn’t want to plan too far ahead but Catherine’s bags are packed to move to Dallas. Huh?

Smitty then announces that Desiree will be the next Bachelorette, probably the worst kept secret in Bachelorette history. Woo hoo. I’m too tired to even think about whether I care about this or not. I don’t love her, don’t hate her. Me = ambivalent right now. I am however, excited to see her crazy brother.

So that’s it folks. I’ll see you back here for the Bachelorette. It usually starts in mid-May, but Smitty said it’ll be on “this summer”, so we’ll see what that means. Thanks for reading, commenting and making me laugh too! Love you all.

The Bachelor Recap - Women Tell All. Also, AshLEE is still crazy.

I’m never going to complain about this show being boring ever again, because nothing will ever be considered boring when compared to this episode.

Smitty: Are you guys excited to see Sean? What about Sean with his shirt off?

 No shirt-Sean? I think I just came. 

Sean and Smitty hit some Bachelor viewing parties to surprise the chicks. They head to the Delta Gamma house at UCLA and as expected the chicks squeal and cheer and do that anchor thing with their arms. This part would have been sooo much more interesting if they went to a fraternity house.

Sean claims it’s humbling to have all these people invested in how his life turns out. I appreciate the sentiment, but I think people are more interested in watching these bitches crash and burn, than how Sean’s life turns out. Just a hunch.


The Laaaaadies 

 Seriously, what attacked her chest? 

Most of the chicks are there except Tierra who apparently has been sequestered back stage for her own safety. After a quick recap of the drama in the house, we dive into Tierra (that’s what he said). We spend waaaay too much time talking about her and how everyone hated her. After one full hour, I’ve deduced that all the drama stems from the fact Tierra isn’t a morning person.

Tierra comes out in a hideous, 1980’s number, complete with a tummy cutout. Yikes. Trying to explain the sparkle, she says her Dad always told her that. She says, “When I walk into a room, I bring joy and light up a room.” I understand trying to bolster your kids’ self-esteem but her dad is a straight-up liar. On a related note, I would never, in a million years, say this: “People just judge me based on my looks.” I mean, that takes balls. I wouldn’t say that if I looked like Gisele Bundchen. It’s just not cool to say. (Side note, I hate Giselle. And Bruno Mars. And Faith Hill. I digress…)

I love Smitty in this setting. He says what I would say (albeit with less “fucks” and general sarcasm). He says, “So you don’t have to be best friends with everyone, but why not friendly?” She says, “I felt ganged up on! And believe me, I usually like being ganged up on, if you know what I mean, but not by these chicks!” Just kidding.

Tierra says she doesn’t want to apologize for anything, then says she wants to apologize and realizes she can work on her flaws. She also flaunts a large engagement ring and says she was engaged back in January—the same month she was dumped by Sean. So that’s healthy.


Sarah 

Was it necessary to show Sarah saying, “I’m going to be the girl at the end, I just know it!” Then switch to her sobbing, “It’s always the same! I’m special and a great girl, waaaa!” No, I’m kidding. That must suck for sure. I’ve said that line to boys and they’ve said it to me. You like them, but not really. It blows to hear it. But let me settle this for you, Sarah: It has absolutely nothing to do with your arm. If you were missing a brain, all four limbs or a vagina, we’d have problems, but nobody gives a shit about the fact you only have one arm. You’re not married for two reasons: 1) You haven’t met the right guy because you’re only like, 22, or some shit. And 2) You act like you’re on a constant drip of Quaaludes.


Desiree 

Oh my god, you guys, I have SO much to say about Desiree’s time in the hot seat! Oh wait, no, no I don’t. She says she was sad and thought she was perfect for Sean, and yes the hometown was bad, and then I fell asleep. My god.

The only thing of note here, is that Desiree is treating this as her Bachelorette audition. “I’m very open to finding love and I just want to make someone happy.” She continues, “And by ‘someone’, I mean myself, hopefully on the Bachelorette sticking my hand down 25 guys’ pants on a yacht somewhere. Weee!”


AshLEE 

She starts off sounding quite normal, but soon begins to sound like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. You know, the one who cooked the bunny? Oh my god! I just realized it was probably her who killed Magic!

She says her pissy goodbye wasn’t because she was mad but in shock. She says she’s not in love with him anymore – she knew he didn’t want her so she had to move on, and once she started watching the show, she realized he wasn’t what she thought he was. See? Sounding normal-ish. Then it begins to break down…when Sean comes out, she bashes him for not coming to check on her after he dumped her. (“I’m not going to be ignored, Dan.” Anyone? Fatal Attraction? Fuck I’m old.)

Sean says that would have made it worse. YES! You dumbass, he didn’t want to be with you. And yes, that hurts, but if he came to see you, you would have hounded him about WHY and cry and it would be waaay too much for anyone to deal with. I get it. She says she was dishonored by him. She wondered how he could change his mind about her in four days (from their overnight date to the rose ceremony). Ummm, have you seen this show? Everything he’s saying to you, he’s saying to two other chicks. He’s dating them just as seriously as you. I don’t understand why all these chicks act like they’ve never seen this show before. In my seminar that I plan to teach one day about how to succeed on this show without looking crazy, lesson number one will be to WATCH THE GODDAMN SHOW.

Sean admitted that one of the reasons he dumped her was because it was hard to find laughter with her. I KNEW IT! You know why there was no laughter? Because all she ever did was talk about HOW IN LOVE SHE WAS.

The big drama comes when AshLEE tells Sean that she can’t understand why he told her he had no feelings for the other two women. He claims he did not say that. I’d be willing to bet on Sean in this argument.

After a mediocre blooper reel, we see some previews for next week and that’s about it, folks. Oh and RIP Magic.

Next week is the two-hour finale and then the hour-long “After the Final Rose”. I've heard they're going to announce the next Bachelorette on the ATFR special. Sarah and Desiree are frontrunners, with Desiree clearly winning out - Sarah is too meek. Bachelorette starts in May, people.

Should be good stuff next week! And uh, long.

The Bachelor Recap – It rains a lot in Thailand. Please note - rain does not keep crazy away.

Sean and the chickies are in Thailand. It’s the fantasy suite date episode, which I used to call the STD suite, but this season it will be called the heavy petting/blow job suite.

Ummm, not safe! 

We’re down to Lindsay, AshLEE and Catherine. Here’s his recap of his final three ladies:

Catherine: She’s a nerd but gives him the silly he needs in his life. Wow.

AshLEE: She wants the same type of marriage, kids and family that he does. What the fuck does that mean? We all want the exact same thing. Every single one of us. We want a happy marriage, nice normal kids that don’t kill people and a nice happy life filled with fun, laughter and love. Who DOESN’T want that? Does Catherine want a kid that worships the devil and a marriage filled with mild abuse? Of course not. Stupid stupid shit. Oh and he says he likes AshLEE because she communicates and he wants that. Um, no you don’t. That’s too much communication right there. Waaaay too much.

Lindsay: She didn’t seem to have the maturity he was looking for at first, but now Sean appreciates how fun she is and that she never seems to have a bad day. God I hate people like that.


Lindsay Date 

This chick is growing on me a little. Despite the fact she “never seems to have a bad day” (puke), she seems the most normal and fun. Sure, she’s probably as mature as my new goldfish, but at least she’s fun, has a normal family and a shred of mental stability. Unlike some other chicks… Ahem… ASHLEE.

Side note. Sean’s turquoise tank top is unacceptable. I expect he’ll be wearing a puka shell necklace next.

As they walk through a market in Thailand followed by Bachelor cameras on an all-expenses paid trip, they claim this is what life would be like if they were married. What the fuck? People, no. This happens every season and every season I say the same thing. This is not real life. Real life is telling your husband not to touch you when he crawls into bed because he better not fucking wake you up, and then it’s having massive diarrhea in your shared bathroom after a night of bad Chinese food. That is real life. This is not.

Despite the fact she tells Sean she doesn’t want to eat bugs, he takes her to the bug cooker lady, and makes her eat a bug. She is not thrilled.

This is the same face I made the first time I swall-…forget it. 

And now begins the best friend talk. You’re the best friend I was looking for. And this is repeated maybe five times on this date. Kiss of death, lady. You don’t marry your best friend. We all claim that, but it’s not true. Your husband becomes your best friend after you get married but you don’t marry your best friend. My best friend has seen me shit my pants in a drunken stupor and cry like a serious, serious mental patient. Believe me, she doesn’t want to marry me. My husband has also seen me do these things, but he saw it AFTER we were married.

They head to a beach and feed monkeys. Hello? Did you not SEE Outbreak? They swim in the sunset and it looks amazing. I could fall in love with anyone there. Even Bruno Mars. (I HATE Bruno Mars.)

They have dinner at the Thailand version of “It’s a Small World”, where Sean presents her with the card from Smitty, inviting her to his fantasy suite. Here’s how the conversation went:

Sean: I don’t know if you read last week’s US Weekly, but I’m a born-again virgin. Basically, I hump someone and then just claim that immediately afterwards. Anyhoo, what I’m saying is, we don’t have to have sex.
Lindsay: What the fuck? No sex? Bullshit. I want to have sex.
Sean: Sorry, lady. I have morals to uphold. You can totally play with my balls though.
Lindsay: Can I give you a blowjob too?
Sean: I suppose so. Virgins do that, right?
Lindsay: Will you be my best friend though?

So they head to the fantasy suite where she finally tells Sean she loves him, although she giggles like she’s in fifth grade and it’s a little cringe-worthy. But still, I like her.


AshLEE Date 

This entire date is AshLEE blabbing on and on about how Sean is her soul mate. It’s really, really scary. It’s too much. I’m happy for her if she feels she’s broken down walls and is healing and all that good stuff, but she needs to rein it in. And also, if you’re truly healed that much, you wouldn’t be so unstable about it all – did you see that video message? Yikes. OK Enough bagging on her. She’s a nice gal and has clearly been through a lot. But she needs to slow the shit down.

Sean tells her they’re going to swim through a cave to a private beach and you can almost see the panic on her face, as she again equates this experience to being abandoned. Umm, he’s not going to abandon you while swimming in a cave on national TV. On the other hand, if he sticks with you and helps you through the swim and is an awesome guy---that does not mean he’s going to marry you. At all. These things are not related. That’s like me saying if my husband does the dishes Thursday night, he will not bang his assistant someday. Unrelated.

“Do I get a floatie? Haha. OH WAIT YOU’RE FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT THIS CAVE THING?”

They start swimming and this is when I know Sean is going to dump her this week. She says, “Do you know where we’re going in there?” and he says, (pause pause pause), “Ummm….no.” You can just hear how annoyed he is. He can’t put up with this anal-retentive shit his whole life. I’m not one to bag on organization, but this chick is rigid. She needs to relax a bit.

She says, “I don’t do caves.” Ummm, do ANY of us do caves? No. It’s vacation, lady. Sean’s not asking you to cave swim every day. She’s freaking out… let me guess. She’ll survive the three-minute cave swim and realize she’s had a major breakthrough. Yup – she claims it was “life-changing”. Oh boy.

At dinner, he gives her the fantasy suite card as she pretends she wouldn’t bang him. He says, “I just want to stay up all night talking. Oh and by ‘talking’, I mean ‘rubbing my penis’”. She ends the date by saying, “I will spend the rest of my life with this man.” Part of me thinks she’s right. Even when he’s married to Lindsay, she’ll be camped out in a tree in the front yard sobbing.


Catherine Date 

This chick wins huge points with me because she’s the only one wearing flats. I mean, we’re on a beach in Thailand, ladies – why the wedges?

Sean claims he loves spending time with Catherine and he knows that’s an important part of finding someone. Fuck you. You THINK? God, we’re all dumber for having seen this. May God have mercy on our souls.

They head out on a boat ride, and I’m pleased to hear Catherine call her sisters jealous, and say that they were, in fact, humongous bitches. Those chicks blew and I’m glad Catherine’s not blind to it.

Side note: snorkeling terrifies me.

They make out in the rain and Sean claims he can’t imagine doing what they did today with any other girl. Umm, you mean make out in the water? Cause you did that. With all the girls. All day…so three girls. All of them.

 Ummm, also dangerous! Get off the damn water, people! 

They head to dinner where she also accepts the fantasy card suite and spends the night rubbing Sean’s penis.


Rose Ceremony 

Sean gets ready and talks to Smitty and is downright terrified to send AshLEE home. Holy crap, I hear you, brother. For some reason, I see this elimination coming from a mile away. He is freaking out and rightfully so. This is going to be a stage 5 breakdown. He says, “I’m worried she won’t be okay when this is over.” Ummm, yes, that’s a valid concern.

Smitty makes it even more brutal by saying to the ladies, “One of you will be on a plane back to the United States tonight, and Sean will be proposing marriage to one of you next week.” I mean, was that necessary, Smits? The girl is going to freak the fuck out. Way to add fuel to the crazy fire.

He gives roses to Lindsay and pause, pause, pause…DO IT ALREADY, aaaand one to Catherine. AshLEE looks pissed off. PISSED OFF. She storms out. He says he wants to explain himself, but only says to her, “This was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.” Umm, no, not really, that doesn’t really help at all, but thanks.

She is pissed and holds it together, but then it really starts to come down in the car. I’m legitimately worried this chick will never recover.

Next week is Women Tell All and the following week is a mind-numbing three-hour finale. For the love…three hours?

The Bachelor Recap – Sean Tells All…I mean, he says nothing. At all.

Seriously, is anyone even going to read this shit? Last night’s Sean Tells All was probably the most boring 60 minutes of this franchise ever. Thank the heavens above it was only an hour. Sean is growing on me…a little, and I think he doesn’t sound stupid or asshole-ish, but there was just nothing interesting to say.

Smitty introduces the show by saying, “Sean is about to take Lindsay, AshLEE and Catherine on their intimate overnight dates in Thailand. Did I say ‘intimate’? Haha, that’s silly. I mean, virgin dates where they play dominos all night. Ha. Virgin.”

I’m referring to US Weekly’s latest claim he’s a virgin. I’ll get to it.

Desiree 

First they discuss Desiree’s departure. Smitty says, “We all watched shocked and stunned as you sent Desiree home.” Really, Smits? Shocked and stunned? It’s not exactly the raid on Bin Laden. It’s the Bachelor. Chill.

They chat about the weirdness that is Desiree’s brother. How odd that he talked to Sean once and was super nice to him and then took him back outside to tear into him. He sounds unstable. Someone commented on my blog yesterday that nobody stood up to him because they’re afraid of him – great call. He might be one of those dudes you just don’t want to mess with. Except Sean who called him a jackass. Sean also admits that Desiree’s brother influenced his decision to send Desiree home. YA THINK?


Sarah

Sarah, the chick with one arm, is up for discussion next. Guess what? He didn’t feel passion when he kissed her, so he sent her home. He told her that he seemed to be forcing it. WELL A GIRL CAN’T HEAR THAT ENOUGH! Ouch.

So yeah, that was it. That didn’t even deserve it’s own paragraph header, did it?


Selma

In case Selma’s parents haven’t already totally disowned her, Smitty nails the coffin shut by saying, “Despite the fact you never really kissed you guys had amazing sexual chemistry between you!” Sean replies, “No shit! Did you see how touchy-feely that chick was? She was such a tease! Muslim cock teaser!” (Am I going to get hate mail for using the term “Muslim cock teaser?”)

Then they show footage of weird nose rubbing, eyelash rubbing and finally she humiliates her family for good by actually kissing him on the lips. Aaaand then he sends her home. Ouch. (That’s what his balls said). What?


Lesley 

Lesley was a fan favorite, says Smitty. Sean replies, “But she wasn’t my favorite.” He then adds, “Soooo, should we just move on then?” Oh wait, that part was me.

In a nutshell, she didn’t open up enough to Sean, so he didn’t feel like they were getting any closer. Also, they played a sexual cupcake game where she moaned, “Shove it in my mouth!” and I think Jesus Christ whispered in Sean’s Christian ear – “No way, dude. That shit’s not gonna fly in my house.”


Tierra 

I had high hopes for this part of the show, but again, Sean doesn’t really reveal much. He says she never should have gone on the show because she can’t get along with her peers and doesn’t do well in this scenario. He says he was duped by her. I really want him to say, “That bitch be crazy, Smitty! Can you believe her unstable-ness? What a wack!” But nope, he doesn’t say much. To his credit, he doesn’t really talk like that. I mean, he’s not me.


Other highlights: 

• Sean says that Ashley (bondage girl from night one) “may have come on too strong.” Um, that’s like saying that Carnival ship needed an air freshener or two.
• Catherine squeezed in the wheel well of that snow bus. What the?
• Wow really? Just two “other highlights”?


Us Weekly 

The latest US Weekly claims that Sean is a virgin. Once you read the article, it explains that Sean banged chicks in college but has since decided to stop banging chicks until he’s married. A born-again virgin, if you will. I’m not sure how this makes you a virgin. Once it’s gone, its gone. So instead of calling him a “born-again virgin”, we should be calling him “dude who used to have sex but has since decided to embrace Christianity and not have sex again until he’s married.” OK I guess the first title is easier to say.

Smitty tries to address this with Sean by saying, “Viewers have a certain expectation about what happens in the fantasy suite. What do you have to say about that?”

Sean says, “I would say it’s none of your business.” Good for you, Seannie. Fuck ‘em. Also, he knows if he touts himself as virgin-boy, viewership might decline a bit for the STD Suite episode.

Previews look pretty tame and status quo. Lots of swimming, making out, feeding monkeys, you know – the regular stuff. However, what is with that note at the end? I’m guessing the girl he decides NOT to marry writes him a note saying she senses what’s about to happen and she just can’t show up if it’s not her. What cha think? These chicks all worship him – there’s no way one dumps him. No way.

What is with the shower scene? What would the big JC say about that? See you next week, friends.

The Bachelor Recap – 1980’s decor and asshole siblings? Ahhh, hometown dates.

Houston with AshLEE 

AshLEE’s date in Houston can be summarized in one sentence: She needs to chill the fuck out on how much she loves Sean. Ok wait, one more sentence: She also needs to shut the fuck up when discussing her sex life TO HER PARENTS. My God, talk about hiding under the sofa. How horrifying. I want you all to stop for one second and picture this: Picture telling your DAD about the last time you got naked with your significant other. I could throw up thinking about it.

Anyway, AshLEE meets Sean in Houston and they have a picnic. No wonder they aired this date first – this shit is boring. AshLEE says she is excited to introduce Sean to her parents because he is a man that she “has fallen into love with”. Fallen INTO love with? Fuck you.

She also says that Sean told her to trust him and that he’d be the man to protect her heart. Umm, he didn’t say that. He would be a fucking crazy person to say that to any chick on this show. She also says she’s been looking forward to bringing her future husband home to her parents since she was four years old. Really? I have a four year old. You know what she’s excited about? Making it to the toilet in time before she pees herself, her new headband and trying to put both her ankles behind her head at the same time. Not introducing her future husband to me.

Anyway, she tells Sean he’s so amazing and so handsome and he giggles and says, “Stop it” like a little girl. This is a little nauseating. WE GET that you love him, but this is too much, girlie. Try to have fun and talk about something other than your love for him. On a related note, I bet AshLEE likes to use the term “make love to”. Bleeeach.

At dinner, after she tells her parents she rolled around in the sand with Sean in St. Croix, she tells her parents about the polar bear plunge or whatever the hell it’s called. Instead of saying, “We had to jump in 34 degree water! It was crazy!” She says, “I had to leave my fear of abandonment aside and I came up a new person”, or some really awkward shit like that. Also, she’s crying. Oh lord.

Sean chats with both her parents and nothing interesting is said. Boring city. But they seem like nice people, which is more than I can say for Desiree’s asshole brother.

After they leave, AshLEE says today was magical, her dream come true and there is pixie dust everywhere. Say it with me: Fuck you.


Seattle with Catherine 

 “I love Sean cause he’s always ready to do stuff!” Yeeeeah, like catch three fish because the entire segment has been set up in advance by Bachelor producers. He loves her energy. She loves his smell. This is riveting stuff.

After walking around Seattle, where Sean is so excited NOT to be constantly talking about love, they head to Catherine’s Mom’s house, which needs a serious remodel. And maybe a deep clean. Her sisters are catty, jealous bitches who try to throw her under the bus. They tell Sean that Catherine is a messy pig, not ready to settle down, a moody bitch and leaves guys after the fun wears off. Why would these fucking whores do that to their sister? How totally weird. I’d love to know the stories of these chicks – jealous for sure.

 "You ready, sis? Let's totally fuck with Catherine's happiness."

Sean asks Catherine’s mom for her blessing if he proposes to Catherine, to which she responds, “Well, let’s see how this goes, you should mull it over, blah blah blah.” So that was weird too. As is all the wood paneling in their house. Sean leaves the date saying her family brought up stuff that made him doubt the relationship…mostly, well…them.


Missouri with Lindsay 

Well you wouldn’t have thought this to be the case, but Lindsay’s family certainly wins the award for most normal family.

Lindsay first meets Sean and tells him she’s never brought a boyfriend home before “that she’s serious about”. Only the un-serious ones she’s banging for sport? Ok, that’s one way to do it.

I don’t understand why Sean dresses up in Army gear and does some drills? Some asshole Bachelor Producer’s GREAT idea. How clever! What a way to liven up the show! How funny! Asshole.

Sean and Lindsay head to her parent’s house where her dad pats her arm like a puppy. They seem like nice and normal people, with the exception of Lindsay’s poor little brother who seems like awkward city.

Sean tells Lindsay’s dad that he’s crazy about her…a common theme tonight. I think he says that about all four girls to their families. I do appreciate that Lindsay’s mom asks if he’s in love with her and he replies, “I’m not in a position to say that right now.” It sounds a bit douche-y but I like that he admits he can’t be blabbing about loving all the chicks or he’d sound super douche-y. Points for Sean.

Sean’s dad tells him that his biggest concern is Lindsay getting hurt. Sean replies, “Yup, valid concern. I’m dry humping three other chicks, so yes. Good call on your part.”

When Sean asks for his blessing, Dad goes on a strange rant about being a paratrooper. It ends with him explaining the fact that all paratroopers have authority to answer questions so Sean should become a paratrooper. I think. I may have missed part of it, I don’t know.


Los Angeles with Desiree 

What a train wreck this date is – wow. They go a hike in LA because Desiree is desperate to prove to him that she’s an outdoor girl JUST LIKE YOU, SEAN. She then takes him to her little house where she makes her family dinner. The doorbell rings and it’s not her family, but a young dude, claiming he’s been texting and calling Desiree and that he still loves her! Gasp! By the way, I saw this coming from a mile away. Did you guys figure it out? It seemed so fake and the Bachelor peeps didn’t sell it enough. We heard about drama with Tierra for friggin weeks, but this was never even shown. Anyhoo, Sean steps in and is about to force him to leave when she breaks the news to him that it’s all a joke. HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAH, HAHAHAHA.

Desiree’s family comes in next and her mom doesn’t really look like a “Roxanne”, am I right? Her parents seem very sweet and passive. They don’t show one second of Sean’s chat with her dad, which is usually the highlight of the visit, so that tells you how normal it was.

Desiree’s brother really takes the dickhead cake though. At first, I was mildly impressed that he was calling him out a bit. Sean says he’s crazy about Desiree and brother says, “Crazy about a lot of girls, right?” Which is awesome, because Sean actually IS saying those exact words about each chick. So I get that…but then he just gets super rude. He tells him he’s a playboy and Sean seriously defends himself. Brother replies, “I’m not buying it.” What a dick. Can’t he just say that he’s skeptical and worried Desiree will be hurt blah blah blah?

What really kills me though is Desiree won’t tell him off. I understand that a lot of chicks aren’t yellers and swearers like me, but I desperately want Desiree to say, “Look kid, you don’t know him and you have no right to judge him. I like him and I would have appreciated you not being a total asshole to him. Fuck off.” But she just sits there and says, “What did you say to him? That’s not niiiice. OK bye.”


Rose Ceremony 

Sean admits to Smitty that he’s confused and doesn’t know whether to send Catherine or Desiree packing. He says, “I sort of hate both their families so what the hell am I supposed to do?” Smitty nods a lot, which does nothing to help Sean and I get the feeling Smitty is over this season. I hear ya, brother.

Sean gives roses to Lindsay and AshLEE and then dramatically walks off in confusion. He stares at their pictures when Smitty comes in and pats him on the back and asks “Wassup?” Sean says that he can see a wife in both of them and doesn’t know who to send home. It feels like a lose-lose situation and he’s confused. Smitty replies, “My advice to you tonight is…get it right.” Gee THANKS Smitty, that’s super fucking helpful.

Sean ends up giving the rose to Catherine and walks Desiree out. She says it was a huge mistake. This is how sure she is: Not even 99.9% sure but 100% sure. Whoa. Sean tells her he’ll miss her and she says, “Then don’t let me go.” OH MY GOD AM I TEARING UP? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

So that’s it, kids. We’re down to AshLEE, Catherine and Lindsay. I’d say it’s between AshLEE and Lindsay but I’ve been wrong on every prediction so far, so I’ll just shut up. Oddly, there’s an hour-long “Sean tells all” tonight, which is just odd, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow!

The Bachelor Recap – You guys, don’t expect me to control my face, ALL the time

We’re down to six gals, which just feels good, like there’s an end in sight. We’ve got Lesley, Desiree, Catherine, Lindsay, AshLEE and Tierra-able.

The kids land in St. Croix and head to the Buccaneer, which could use some new curtains. The first one-on-one date goes to AshLEE. She claims every time she’s with Sean she gets carried about, not just physically, but emotionally. I dislike her for saying she gets emotionally carried away.


AshLEE Date

Their date is awesome – sailing, swimming and playing on a catamaran and then a private island. Awesome. There’s a lot of making out and a LOT (and I mean a LOT) of AshLEE discussing her abandonment issues. I get it and it’s sad, but she’s so DRAMATIC and serious about everything. I’m not sure how SUPER FUN this chick is to be with. Kind, sweet, caring? Yes. Fun, spontaneous and willing to do a keg stand at a Super Bowl party? Me thinks not. (and who DOESN’T want a keg-standing wife?)

Sean asks her about Tierra and she goes off! I mean, AshLEE has the balls to tell Sean that Tierra….wait for it…doesn’t say good morning! GASP! Sean says AshLEE is honest and he’s so grateful for the fact she warned him. “What the fuck?” Says Kacie, from her sofa at home. Kacie adds on, “That is such bullshit. I warned you about her weeks ago but somehow that made me the fucking catty asshole, but AshLEE does it and you’re so grateful, and proceed to feel her up on a yacht? Lame. Just because I was wasted and speaking drunk code, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have listened. Suck it Sean.”

AshLEE then calls Sean “her future husband”, and I begin to fear what will happen to these abandonment issues when Sean dumps her shit on a tropical beach in two weeks. Lord.

At dinner, AshLEE tells Sean she met a guy her freshman year in high school, married him her junior year and left him her senior year. Sean pretends he is totally okay with this information, which thrills AshLEE, so much, that she stands up on her chair and yells, “HELLO ST. CROIX!” Aaaaand, say it with me people: I’m under my fucking sofa. I mean, how embarrassing. Of course, it only gets worse when she yells, “I love Sean!” while staring directly at him. Ewww. I bet she’s the type of chick who wants to look her boyfriend in the eye while they’re having sex and tells him how much she loves him. Eeek.

Speaking of under my sofa, who caught this commercial? Jared jewelers? I mean, wow. Whoa.

Tierra Date 

Tierra’s date is the city date – when the couple strolls the streets of the local Caribbean town they happen to be at, while the guy buys the girl drinks, cheap jewelry and soap. She is NOT pleased about it. She’s worried about makeup dripping, bugs attacking and general sweatiness. This chick sucks so hard, but I have to agree with her 100% here. This date blows. Give me a yacht in the Caribbean, a pina colada, and a fucking fruit salad any day. Fuck this walking-around-exercise-culture shit.

Sean asks Tierra during the date about the other girls. She says things in the house still suck and she doesn’t regret the way she’s acted and wouldn’t change it. She’s not very perceptive, eh? This is when you do damage control, dumbass. You say, “I think I’m getting unfairly attacked, yes, but I do recognize I was a bit defensive and rude. I’m just not comfortable in this setting, blah blah blah.” This is going to be a chapter in my book about how to act normal and do well on this show. It’ll be called, “Chapter 9 – When you piss off other girls, here’s how to recover, and fool the Bachelor into thinking you’re not a complete psycho whore.” Again, it’s a working title.

They sit on a dock and make out a bit, when Tierra probably realizes she’s in deep shit here, and needs to do something drastic. So she tells Sean she’s falling in love with him. Ahhh, the Hail Mary.


Group Date 

Fuck, talk about the worst date ever. Here’s how it went:

4:42am – Sean wakes them up with a camera in their faces. Asshole.

5:27am – They are the first people in the US to see the sunrise. Desiree claims it was totally worth the 4:42am wakeup. Liar.

He tells them they’re going to road trip across the island, stopping in shitty treehouses and crap along the way, and will catch the sunset on the other side of the island. I mean, my god, what a horrible, long, miserable day.

10:34am – They are at a sugar mill. Here are all my notes from this portion: “They are at a sugar mill.”

12:16pm – They see a horse.

2:14pm – They see a treehouse.

3:47pm – Desiree “throws herself out there.”

They end at Sandy Point, where Sean has one-on-one time with all the girls after frolicking with them in the ocean. He talks to Lindsay first and basically says, “Wow, I like you so much more now than the first night when I thought you were a fucking crazy bitch.” He may have said it a little softer than that.

He talks to Catherine who tells him that her father tried to kill himself IN FRONT OF HER when she was just 14. Sooo, let me get this straight. In the ice castle, Catherine was looking for a good segway to tell Sean she was sooo ready to get married. So she tells him the story about her friend who was smashed by a tree. Somehow that clarified things to her (at, um, age 12), that all she wanted in life was a husband. Huh? But NOW she tells this story about her dad? Wouldn’t this make an easier segway? “My dad tried to kill himself, and that whole situation with my father made me realize how important it is to find someone I love who will raise kids with me in a wonderful, safe environment and not a volatile one.” It’s not rocket science, people. That being said………I DO feel horrible for her. Sad story.

Sean gives Lindsay the rose, which totally surprises me. I just don’t see them together – all they do is makeout and she giggles a lot. Anyway, they attempt to catch the sunset but they miss it, despite the fact they’re SITTING ON THE BEACH. This show is so annoying.


Lesley Date 

They go to some plantation and walk around. It’s like a big garden. They walk around. I mean, this sets new lows for Bachelor boredom on a date. She tells him very awkwardly that she likes him, their slow progression and their mad chemistry. Huh? They’re awkward. Then they pick fruit. Then they walk. The end.


Shay-ster 

Sean’s sister Shay flies to St. Croix to give Sean advice. He says that she has a husband and kids, so she’ll be a good person to talk to. Shay doesn’t give a shit about helping Sean – this chick is just STOKED that she gets an all-expenses-paid trip to the Caribbean without her annoying kids and husband tagging alone. That’s heaven, she says, as she drinks her pina colada and pretends to care what Sean says. “I really like these girls, I can picture all of them as my wife.” “Sean, I don’t give a flying fuck, where the hell is that waiter? Guacamole and a Mai Tai, please!”

She decides to give Sean a couple sentences of advice before she gets back to tanning, and tells Sean to watch out for the chick that none of the girls like. Even if they have sparkle.

Meanwhile, Tierra and AshLEE are having it out in the hotel room. It’s just a bunch of catty bitching and yelling. It sounds like this:

Tierra: “I can’t control my fucking face! My eyebrow is out of control! I know it makes me look insane! I CAN’T HELP IT!”
AshLEE: “Wassup with you crazy bitch anyway.”
Tierra: “I HAVE SPARKLE GODDAMMIT! My parents even said so.”
AshLEE: “You’re not nice. Also, you’re a complete shitbag. What a terrible person you are.”
Tierra: “MEN LOVE ME!”
AshLEE: "Anything else you'd like to say?"
Tierra: "DAMMIT, you're making me sweat. I HATE SWEATING!"
AshLEE: “How is it that I lived in abusive foster homes and shit, and I turned out much more normal than you?”
Tierra: “I’m done with this conversation! I must viper you!”

Sean leaves Shay to fetch Tierra because he wants his sister to figure out if she’s as crazy as everyone thinks. By the time he gets to the hotel, Tierra is in shambles. Again. She’s crrrrrrying, saying she can’t deal with this. This is so hard. Waaaaaaaaa. Sean walks around in a circle outside for awhile and then comes back in and tells Tierra to get the hell out. Again, he softens the language a bit. He says he’s crazy about her but this is too hard for her and he doesn’t want her to be so unhappy. This is a bit pussy of Sean. Just say, “Look, I liked you a lot, but this is all just too dramatic for me. There’s always something going on with you, and I think I’m just done. It’s just changed how I feel.” But he pussies out. Pussy.

Sean says, “I think the world of you.” She replies, “Obviously not enough.” I agree with her on this one. Shut up, Sean. If you thought she was so awesome, she’d still be there. You took her sparkle away.


Rose Ceremony 

Lindsay already has a rose and the three others go to Desiree, Catherine and AshLEE. This means Lesley is going home. There just wasn’t a spark there (not to be confused with sparkle). Catherine is oddly torn up about it, saying that her beliefs are shattered in what he wants, because Lesley is much cooler than her. It’s a little…weird. AshLEE, on the other hand, claims that the rose she received tonight means she can trust Sean and that he is her husband. Love conquers all. Oh man, this is about to become an epic goodbye. I fear for that one.

Previews for next week look promising – the hometown dates are always a horrific glimpse into Middle America. They show Desiree’s dickhead brother fighting with Sean, and it dawns on me that these are the previews we saw waaaay earlier in the season and we were meant to believe Desiree’s ex-boyfriend came back to fight for her. Nope, it was just her rude ass brother.

I strongly predict he says goodbye to Catherine next week, and that Desiree and AshLEE will be the final two. See ya peeps.