Nick Meets the Dorfmans
The Dorfman family scores a free trip to the Dominican Republic. Nick gets totally dressed up to meet Andi’s family, complete with a baseball-type jersey and forgetting to brush his hair. But he wins points by bringing mom flowers and dad alcohol. To which sister replies, “What the fuck? Am I chopped liver?”
Ah yes, Andi’s dad, Hy. You can tell Andi got to him and begged him not to be an asshole. He was stoic, but mostly nice-ish. Nick thanks Andi’s mom for raising the most wonderful girl he’s ever met. He then adds on, “Did I mention she is a panther in the bedroom? I mean, WOW!”
Do I have to keep writing here? It’s all the same shit. He kisses ass, telling everyone how much he loves her, he’s a bit awkward, asks for Hy’s blessing to propose, etc. All in all, he seems to genuinely like Andi a LOT but is an emotional mess…Also, I need sister Rachel to STOP playing with her goddamn hair.
Josh Meets the Dorfmans
I bet Josh makes the worst first impression ever. I mean, he’s totally smiley and nice, but he’s much more outgoing and way less pussy-like than Josh, so I bet he comes across as this cocky athlete-type.
There’s a lot of the same shit, asking how much he loves her, blaaaaah. Josh and Hy are dressed the exact same, which is weird.
Last Date with Josh
Again, Josh gets the yacht date. Lucky bastard! They hang out on a yacht, make out in the ocean and talk about…well not much. Josh says to the camera, “I have an unconditional love for my family and I feel that way about Andi – Even stronger, actually.” Ohhhh Josh’s mama is NOT going to be pleased about that. And I am NOT pleased about his red pants.
They go sit on a sofa later where they talk about…nothing. They laugh and make out a lot. He gives her a personalized baseball card and I bet my hat the producers gave that to him to give to her. It’s actually a little funny so nice work, Producers, I mean, Josh. At least it’s not a fucking scrapbook.
Last Date with Nick
That’s a lot of blue he’s wearing! Blue on blue on blue. They go off-roading, otherwise known as on-roading in a Jeep. The passion is off the charts with these two, as Andi says, “Nick makes me think deeply.” THAT sounds fun.
They have a picnic at some lagoon and I’m SURE there are no snakes or scorpions in there at ALL. I mean…are you people crazy? And not in a million fucking years would I go swimming in that lagoon. I’m sure it’s infested with that parasite that swims up your penis hole.
When they later sit on a sofa, he’s so friggin unattractive. I mean, stop the mumbling and the nervousness. He seems like a super insecure teenager. All he’s looking for is reassurance. She even tells him that he needs to stop overanalyzing and to turn his brain off. How annoying would it be to be married to THAT? Let’s ignore the fact that’s TOTALLY me and I’m sure my husband would like to turn my brain off daily.
He gives her a sand-filled necklace, which is sweet, sort of, but totally unusable. Would you EVER actually wear that? In Andi’s words, STOP. You pussy.
Andi comments that she loves her physical connection with Josh but there’s an intellectual connection with Nick. There is so much wrong with this. First of all, would you like to be married forever, to the guy who you have zero fun with, but can talk about politics with? Or would you like to be married to Josh where you don’t talk about shit, but laugh a lot and roll around naked together. Hmmm. Wait, this is actually a hard decision.
Neil Lane visits the guys…oh wait, just Josh
Neil Lane also gets a free vaca to the Dominican Republic where he is dressed in his Neil Lane uniform. Do you think he was mad his airtime was cut in half? Josh picks out a ring…Nick hears a knock on his door and...it’s Andi, not Neil Lane. Dum dum DUM!
Do you think he saw Neil Lane leave Josh’s room and he was like, “Hey. Hey! I’m over here! Why are you getting in your car??!”
Andi pops into Nick’s room and you can see the horror on his face. He knows this isn’t good news. She dumps him, telling him something didn’t feel right and it’s clear they shouldn’t be together. She mentions some other crap, but here starts the recurring theme of Nick: He’s just mad that she gave him reassurance when it was really empty. He’s mad at the public humiliation factor. Why did she say things? Why did she look at him that way? Why did she ride him in the fantasy suite until sunrise? He says she took it too far.
He gets a ride to the airport in the Bachelor-hired car. He complains, mostly about the fact he was so confident and she blindsided him.
Why are his pants and jacket so tight? Did the humidity make him expand? Good lord! He’s still hot though. He walks out to Andi and is sweating his balls off. He tells her when he gave up his first love, baseball, he knew there was a bigger love out there. Oh lord, her whole life is about to become a baseball metaphor. When she’s giving birth: “Andi, hit this one out of the park!” etc, etc.
He goes on and on and on. He finally stops and she tells him that she’s madly in love with him too. And that he’s the one she wants to spend the rest of her baseball days with. Good lord, get this guy a bottle of water!
After the Final Rose
This could just be called the Nick special. What happened next with Nick…well, he went home and was super pissed he wasn’t chosen. I do believe he was heartbroken, yes, but 90% of his sadness stems from the fact he feels he was led on and humiliated on TV. He’s mostly just annoyed that he THOUGHT he would be the winner. We follow him all the way back to Milwaukee so we can see him ponder Andi sadly in a market, overlooking a river, etc.
He goes back to the Men Tell All taping and tries to get her to talk to him. She refuses. Couldn’t they just have asked her before he flew all the way out there? That seems like a waste of money.
Out on stage, Chris talks to Nick about how that was actually his second attempt at trying to talk to her. She refused him that time too. Nick AGAIN says how he felt so blindsided because she gave him so many reasons to be confident (One reason – she gave him her vagine.)
Andi comes out on stage and for trying to talk to her for three months, he doesn’t have much to say. He’s sad, he’s uncomfortable, but as we’re about to find out, his pride is just hurt that he was overly-confident and got shit on. He drops the bomb, “If you weren’t in love with me, then why did you make love to me?”
GASP! Wait, does this fucking woman have minions on her nails?
He adds on, “That night was fiancé type of stuff.” Soooo, he’s a single dude in Chicago – am I honestly supposed to believe that he’s never had sex with anyone that he wasn’t in love with? Every woman he’s been with has been almost his fiancé? I’m far from a slut, but please, I’ve had sex with a dude that I don’t think I’ll marry. Sometimes it’s just fun and you’re drunk. Maybe I am a slut…
Perhaps Nick has only had sex with one other woman (his past ex-fiancé) because he truly believes that you don’t have sex with anyone unless you’re about to marry them. Maybe he’s truly pious and way less slutty than I am. But I just doubt it, so chill out Nick. Therefore, I chalk this move up to asshole-ness. She humiliated him (in his eyes) by making him think he was the one and then dumping him on TV. That’s embarrassing (to him). So he wanted to humiliate her. True, she had opportunity to talk to him in private – maybe if she did that, he wouldn’t have said that on National TV. Either way, his ego was bruised and I think he was kind of a dick here. Bottom line: He’s got major crazy potential, and he’s a bit of a prick.
Also, she was PISSED. I love how Andi gets pissed and if she’s pissed at you, you’re done. She’ll never talk to your ass again. She was fuming.
Bachelor in Herpes-dise Promo
Please, people, this shit looks incredible. I’ll be there next Monday, for SURE.
Josh and Andi
Of the hour long special, Andi and Josh are together on stage for three minutes. He’s got something in his eye and won’t stop poking at it. They’re happy together and have been sneaking around Atlanta together. I thought he lived in Miami now? Also, between Josh, Andi and Nick, it’s teeth-o-rama on this show. Wow.
Chris Harrison makes fun of Andi’s frownie face, which I appreciate she readily admits to. They bring out grumpy cat and oddly, throw that shit on her lap. Can someone get this cat off me? This dress is expensive. Thaaaanks.
So that’s all for this season. Good stuff, peeps. See you next week, people. Herpes-dise!