Sean and Catherine
But FIRST, we discuss Sean and Catherine. Smitty has the balls to ask them about their wedding night, which is so gross. They said it was romantic with fireworks, to which Catherine tacks on “quick fireworks”. He hasn’t stuck it in someone in years, what do you expect? But how horrifying to say that shit on TV. I bet he wanted to punch her in the face.
And WHY Sean tells us how a stingray gave him head is beyond me.
I despise the Muppets.
Who are these women? I did watch this season, correct? I don’t recognize 80% of them. Who the hell is Kylie? Oh Kelly, you and your face and that fucking dog. Cassandra! The lipstick – easy! Free Spirit…still nothing for makeup, eh? The fresh face thing won’t last forever, sister. Oh and Sharleen, the fancy opera singer with the fancy hair. Up-do! And I love that damn green dress Andi is wearing, and Renee surprises with a shower. Lookin’ good, girlfriend.
“Juan Pablo has him moments, let’s take a look”, says Smitty. Agreed, he’s still hot, but I WILL send a strongly worded letter to ABC if I have to see a close-up of Juan and Sharleen making out again.
Smitty opens up the floor to the ladies with, “Ok ladies, tell me why you hate Juan Pablo. Just so you know, it’s clear you’re all jealous he didn’t like you, but go ahead.” Example: Danielle says, “Our dates were always surface level.” Ahhh yes, this could be true. But it could be he just didn’t like you. Also, it didn’t stop you from bawling when he dumped you. Also, she’s less black than she used to be?
Lauren, the composer (the one who embarrassingly threw herself on Juan P) says he didn’t ask her questions about her. Again, he just wasn’t into you. Not rocket science. I WILL say that one of the only valid points the girls make is saying he was flip-floppy in his kissing rules. He said he wouldn’t kiss Lauren because his daughter was watching but he made out with almost every single other person that night. That is because, 100%, he didn’t want to kiss Lauren. End of story. He probably should have just admitted that.
I can’t tell you how much I want to kick Kelly in the balls after this episode. Why did she get so much airtime anyway? She’s so clueless. Cassandra said she talked to Juan only about their kids, to which Kelly replied, “Don’t you want to have a relationship outside your child?” Bitch, shut up. You truly have no clue. When you’re a parent, kid comes first, all the time. ALL the time. Do you want to have a relationship with a man AND be a parent? Of course. But if I’m in a bank and someone comes in to rob it, and for some reason he looks at me and says, “Either your kid or husband die”, I have no qualms admitting I’d kiss my husband goodbye in a heartbeat. Sorry, honey. Wow, that was a weird story.
I think Juan P makes some good points about the parent stuff. He says being on the Bachelorette was easier for him because Camila still had her mom but Renee and Cassandra’s kids didn’t have Mom, so that’s why they were special to him. Not special as in better, but special as in, he needed to think a little differently about them. Stupid Chantel says, “They left kids at home, but we left things too.” Fuck you. Yeah, you left your 24 Hour Fitness membership at home for three hours. That’s ALMOST the same.
It’s pretty funny that nobody cares about Clare and Juan P’s romp in the ocean. The only thing they care about is how Juan P slut-shamed her the next day. Man these chicks dislike him.
Sharleen in the Hot Seat
While watching a recap of Sharleen’s time with Juan P, I’m pleased to see Sharleen is having problems watching her kiss him too. Oh god those shorts again!
I’m not sure why we’re rehashing all this. Don’t we know all this? Sharleen says she said goodbye because she knew he wasn’t the one and didn’t want to hang out any longer. That’s seriously the gist of the whole thing, and we already knew that. I hate this show.
She defends him by saying he did ask her questions about herself. She called him quite curious. She said he was kind to her and she has respect for him. OMG I’m bored. I WILL say I liked her more than I did in her goodbye episode. She’s still a little dry and proper, but she’s so friggin rational.
Renee in the Hot Seat
Recap of her footage…on the first night, she introduced herself and said, “I’m a single mommy.” It’s amazing she made it past the first night. Mommy?
She said she’s glad she finally admitted she loved him but she could tell he didn’t feel the same way. What gave it away? The fact that you told him you loved him AFTER he eliminated you?
Renee is in a relationship now and US Weekly just reported she’s engaged. So that’s fun. To her fiancé: If you hurt my precious flower, I will cut you. Take care of my sister wife. Call me if you want a third.
Andi in the Hot Seat
Smitty says, “What went wrong in the fantasy suite? Tonight we’ll find out from Andi.” Orrrrr we already did last week? I hate this show.
As expected, nothing new was revealed. She said he was fun for awhile but talked only about himself, who he knew, his soccer, etc. Then she said he was negative about the whole Bachelor thing and said some stupid things, like telling her Renee almost beat her out. I’ll give her that….that was really stupid, Juannie.
She said she pretended to be asleep so he’d leave her alone and she could get out of there in the morning. Really? Just keep humping him. Then he wouldn’t be talking about soccer but you could still get out of it what you want. Juan P should not be used for talking about politics or current events. Just sex. He should be used for just sex. The end.
Side note…what the hell is everyone in the audience wearing? Every last one of them is sporting a horrendous 1980’s outfit. I see a blazer in the mix, for fucks sake! Seriously, what are these?
Is that lace under a blazer?
mesh sleeves and sparkly arms?
Andi then sets herself up to be the next Bachelorette, which is official, by the way. TMZ impressively got their hands on a letter from Andi’s boss, granting her a leave of absence from February to June. She says she’s still looking for love and believes in the process. Good lord, captain obvious. To her credit, I think she’s smart and normal, and yes, hot. I just wonder if the producers approached her about being the next Bachelorette BEFORE she had the fantasy suite night with Juannie. They’re smarmy enough to set that shit up.
Juan Pablo in the Hot Seat
Smitty dives in, asking if he’d change anything. He says NO…and then blabs about being honest. Basically he’s saying he’d rather be an asshole and honest, then not honest but everyone likes him. This I respect…he just didn’t really do that.
Juan P has a relatively decent comeback for MOST of the bashing. He didn’t kiss Renee because she has a son, He didn’t kiss you Lauren, because he didn’t feel the time was right. So put that in your piano bike and smoke it. What?
Andi says a couple things to him, to which he responds, “Eeeeees OK.” I love him. It’s like his code for saying, “Fuck you guys.”
Side note: Mineral Coordinator is wearing a LOT of makeup. A LOT. Maybe she works for Bare Minerals as a Coordinator and some intern just jacked up the title on the screen?
Kelly’s dad is gay so she asks him about the gay comment he made awhile back (gays are more pervert). He said it was taken out of context and Sharleen comes to his defense saying he’s very open-minded. In all the discussions they had about homosexuality. (?)
There’s a lot more bitching at Juan P and he snaps back at all of them mostly. MAYBE a little apology would have helped, but whatever. Then we get to see his bloopers and I SO WISH they let him refer to Camila as “his little package” all season.
Previews for next week’s finale are a little weird…What’s the drama? I don’t like it when Smitty says that “all questions will be answered” at the “After the Final Rose” special. What does that mean? It might mean he doesn’t choose anyone, but then after that, he picks someone or some confusing bullshit like that. Keep it simple, Bach peeps.
Which means there are THREE hours of Bachelor next week. Holy crap.