Lacy pukes in the middle of the rose ceremony. By “in the middle of”, I mean, she ran to a toilet and then puked in it. She’s been in Mexico – this is not a shocking diagnosis. She gets an ambulance, goes to the hospital and good ‘ol Marcus hangs out with her. He was “terrified” for her. Seems like a strong word for the runs. Although once, I had a serious bug and pooped my pants in a movie theater. Then I threw up and crawled out of the bathroom, where I collapsed in a poop-filled heap in the lobby of the theater. My boyfriend at the time was there with me and indeed, he looked terrified. I DO wonder if that had more to do with the fact that I had just shit my pants in front of him, or my overall health…we broke up soon after. I don’t think you get over that. Poor guy.
End of rose ceremony: Michelle gives her rose to Cody, Sarah gives it to Robert and Jackie gives it to Jesse, shocker. So Marquel and Kalon go home, no loss there.
Who the hell is this? She is from the Midwest – clearly - and has horrible hair extensions and a significant drinking problem. She’s wacky skinny, kind of pretty but also suffers from a debilitating self-esteem problem. Also, she is SUNBURNED.
Aren't you NOT supposed to see the extension clips?
She asks Zack on her date and he says no, because he’s committed to Clare (dammit, he says!) As they play happily-ever-after music, Clare is filled with hope saying she now knows he cares for her and she trusts him! If that’s not a set-up for a teardown, I don’t know what is.
She takes Jesse out on the dreaded culture date, and these guys are probably the two most ill-suited people for this type of date…next to me. They don’t care about culture shit – the girl needs a drink. They find some tequila and beer and they can FINALLY relax. She’s a drunk for sure, but I agree a little alcohol could ease the pain of that shitty date.
Sarah tells us this date will be very telling for where their future lies. Oh good, another girl with totally realistic expectations. This ONE date will say it ALL. They seem super cute together and he is much hotter than originally thought. However, the sexual chemistry between the two of them is about as strong as it is with me and my stepbrother. (For clarity, that means NONE. I repeat I have no sexual chemistry with my stepbrother)
They take a dip in a Mexican koi pond and affirm my judgment regarding the lack of chemistry. They kiss, but there is something that just feels off. Like the two of them want to be with someone and there’s literally nobody else left, so they’re just all, fuck it – let’s hang out.
Back at the House
Christy needs to get wasted because, well, it’s Tuesday. Cody is mere moments shy of molesting Michelle, and Zack is kicking himself that he didn’t give drunk Christy a chance. So he talks to Clare and tells her that he’s still trying to determine if they’re right for each other. In Clare’s head, this simple revelation is equal to telling her he hates her guts and wants to kill her. She freaks the shit out, runs into the jungle, cries a whole lot, chats with the raccoon and decides to go home. She breaks the news to Zack, which is just a veiled attempt at hoping he’ll beg her to stay…but he doesn’t. He actually might have said that, but she again overreacts and interrupts him, so he’s all, “get the fuck out.” Not really, but for real, Clare - You’re a good gal, truly. You just need to get a handle on the out-of-control emotional shit. I do think Zack is a bit…dickie about these things. He acts all innocent, but some of the shit he says is not totally nice and easy.
Lucy comes spinning down the beach. She’s the incredibly annoying and YOUNG free spirit. Apparently this is code for slutty and homeless looking. This chick is bananas annoying, my god. She gets naked, pretending to be a free spirit but really just desperate for attention. I need to be a therapist, for reals, people.
Jesse is everyone’s “might as well take him” for the dates this week. They go to Chee-Chin-Izza and walk through ruins, snooze. Lucy is awkward city with her giggling and Jesse’s take on the date sounds like this: “She’s got a great personality and I can’t wait for her to take her top off again.”
He is the female version of Clare. He’s so nice, but dude, chill the fuck out. My god, he gets attached quickly. Yikes. Michelle comments that she appreciates how “all-in” he is with her. So THAT could be misconstrued.
They head to some fancy hotel and take engagement photos…odd since they’re not, you know, ENGAGED. They then force her to wear a wedding gown and take more wedding photos. The freeze-frame with cheesy font saying their names is too fucking much. Also, THIS is a wedding photo we all have, am I right, ladies?
Oddly, they go racecar driving in Mexico. As expected, she is a total wuss and drives 15 miles per hour. Doesn’t she go normal freeway speeds at home? Can’t she go at least 60? Graham comments that she proved to him she’s ready for a minivan. I could have told you that based on her general, I AM OBSESSED WITH GETTING MARRIED, vibe.
That’s it. I’m annoyed he likes her cause she sucks.
Other Annoying Happenings
Lacy and Marcus have now ceased to give us any interesting TV whatsoever. If it were up to the producers, they would kick them off the show and bring in some more insane, disease-ridden psychos. But they can’t, and they can’t totally ignore them, so about once an hour they show them making out and professing love.
Jesse and Lucy are also making out, but he might just be making out with a homeless dude who wandered into Tulum. I can’t tell. Then Christy goes to him since she’s feeling desperate now and he makes out with her too. And grabs her ass in the dark. Pssst, guys, there’s a camera in there…and your parents are watching. WAIT! Lucy is all, I’M SEXUAL TOO YO! Pay attention to me! Love me! What you’re busy with Christy? OK no problem, I’ll come in too.
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Zack tells Jackie that he wants to get to know her better but he SWEARS it’s not that Clare just left and he’s moving onto her. OH wait, yes, that’s exactly how it is. Christy then begs for her rose from Jesse, and Lucy says she’s starting shit, but I don’t get at all how she’s doing that? So it doesn’t really work, and she’s toast.
Chris Harrison walks in and tells the kids that their time in paradise is shortening, so time is of the essence to fall in love. Ahhh yes, nothing will make true love happen more effectively than a ticking clock. GO! YOU HAVE THREE DAYS TO FALL IN LOVE! GO!
Robert gives his rose to Sarah, Graham to AshLEE and Cody to Michelle. Marcus gives his rose to Lacy and gives a horrid speech and sticks his tongue down her throat. Harrison is not amused. Zack gives his rose to Jackie and Jesse to Christy. Buh Bye, Lucy.
I have no idea how many episodes are left. My hope is forever, but alas…it won’t be. Two more weeks, maybe? Then we have a break until January, when Farmer Chris looks for love…he was just announced as the new Bachelor, in case you missed it. Love you peeps, see you next week.