Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bachelor Finale Recap – I Wish the Earth Would Suck Me

I’m so fucking confused. What a train wreck. And Nikki acts like a David Koresh disciple. Brainwashed much?

So WOW, there’s a lot to talk about. And honestly, it’s all so confusing that it’s just going to be speculation as to what this freakshow of a dude is thinking. Let’s get started.

We start in the studio with Smitty, hosting a live Bachelor viewing party with a bunch of middle-aged moms. I’m not knocking that – that’s me after all. Although I contend my clothes are more stylish. Anyway, I digress. Guess who else is there? Sean and Catherine, milking this Bachelor thing for all it’s worth. Why Chelsie and one-arm Sarah are there, is beyond me. Was that Brooks? Oh man, you know Desiree is so sad she has to go home with Chris instead of Brooks.

 I didn't make this, but I wish I did.

Clare Meets the Family 

Clare says she’s falling in love with Juan Pablo…so meeting his family “is huge to me” (That’s what she said. Sorry. That was dumb.) She walks in and greets the fam. She seems super awkward with Camila. And she even does this with her:

She is jazzed to tell them that she’s part Mexican! I bet she’s tried to hide that her whole life with her blond hair and refusing to learn Spanish. And now it’s like, “Hola! Mi nombre es Claire!”

Anyway, she chats with the family and learns that Juan Pablo is hyperactive and “saying things a bit rude.” I get the feeling his family doesn’t even like him that much.

Cousin Braces tells Clare that Juan Pablo is a crazy asshole who must be in control. He often fights with his ladies, and then he runs away, refusing to communicate about the issue at hand. Well, that was the gist of it, but he finessed the language a bit.

Juan Pablo’s dad clearly likes Clare more than Juan P does. He says his door is always open and that she’ll always have a father in him. I mean…I want to cuddle him! How sweet. That’s about it for this visit – everyone in the family warns her that Juan P is psycho but she manages to convince herself that he’s just passionate or something.

Nikki Meets the Family 

Camila looks almost as bored as I am. How much longer is there? Oh good, only two hours and 40 minutes.

Juan P’s dad warns Nikki about him, saying he’s not an easy guy. He’s stubborn, which is just code for asshole and controlling. Nikki tells Juan P Senior that she wants to have a relationship with Camila too. Ummm, YES, girlfriend. She will be your stepdaughter so that’s probably a good thing.

Juan P’s mom tells Nikki that she might want to take Camila to a park on Saturdays but Juan Pablo likes to lie in bed and watch TV. This is the ONLY thing redeeming about Juan Pablo. I love TV.

Both parents comment on the fact that Nikki seems strong enough to deal with Juan Pablo’s asshole-ness. Braces says to her, “How much fighting can you take?” I mean, for real. Can they warn these poor girls enough? But no, Nikki says, “No fighting means no passion.” Oh lord. Riiiiight. And if he HITS you in the face, it’s because he REALLY loves you. Girls are so stupid.

Back in the studio, Smitty makes the mistake of asking Catherine what she thinks, who blabs on and on incoherently. I like her, sort of, but she needs to stop talking sometimes. Do you think it drives Sean crazy?

Clare’s Final Date 

Her shorts are YELLOW.

They hop on a helicopter (aka death trap). Clare claims there is a lot of blue and green out the helicopter window so she’s on cloud nine. Ummm, ok.

Clare voiceovers that there was a moment when they were on the helicopter without cameras or audio, when Juan Pablo leans over and says, “I don’t know you but I love fucking you.” She doesn’t admit this right away, but does later on after the final rose ceremony. Also, a source told Us Weekly that’s what he said.

She says it was offensive and made her feel awful. Why? I’d like some reassurance that I’m good in the sack. It’s a compliment! Girls are so high maintenance about wanting respect all the time. Geesh. Please don’t send me emails – I’m KIDDING. He’s just such a fucking moron. Yes, he’s honest and doesn’t have a filter, but more than that – he’s just stupid. Why would he think that’s nice or funny to say? Cause he’s stupid.

Clare claims she’s confused and maybe he’s not the man she thought he was. She needs to know there’s something more than just a physical chemistry there. I love that it’s just dawning on her NOW that maybe he only wants her for her vagine.

He comes to her hotel room and she refuses to kiss him. She says she wants to talk to him about what he said in the helicopter, he says that was in private, she says I want more than physical, he says maybe there’s a lot you don’t know about me, she says…I don’t know, blah blah blah. He really never SAYS anything. And what he does say is a run-on sentence, with broken English and a lot of stupidity thrown in. Basically, he doesn’t say much but it convinces Clare that he likes her a little more than just a vagine…and that’s good enough for her somehow. For a hot second, she seemed smart and confident! Aaaaand then not so much.

Like a manipulative psychopath, he plays the song that random dude sang to them on the snow date. That’ll shut her up, he thinks. It works. He enters the vagine for the last time…

Back in the studio, Sharleen claims it was painful to watch because Clare ignored her intuition, and he was patronizing to her. Exactly! But she’s still kicking herself that she never got a chance to bang him.

Nikki’s Last Date 

All Nikki talks about during this date (to the cameras, not him), is that she NEEDS him to tell her how he feels. She wants to hear him say he loves her. Has she not seen this show? They can’t say that until after the final rose is given. And sometimes, four months after that.

On the catamaran, she tells him she feels he is guarded and scared to open up. At least she hopes so because that would explain why he doesn’t tell her he likes her. He says, “No, when I feel something I open up. I’m not guarded.” To which she says nothing. This is when I would say, “Then why the fuck can’t you tell me you really like me? You don’t say shit, you weirdo.”

On the sofa and in the hotel bedroom, she tells him she’s nervous, she writes him a card and says she loves him, and he says, ”Eeees OK”. Then he says, “It is what it is and today was great. See you tomorrow.” So when he leaves, she bawls her eyes out. Because he doesn’t give her any friggin reassurance and he doesn’t communicate. I cringe at the thought of dating him. How HORRIBLE.

Final Rose Ceremony 

Juan Pablo’s pants are too tight, as he waits for his ladies to roll up in a boat…and climb off this boat…in a long gown…in heels…on a wet dock…and then the beach… thereby making this the most awkward and uncomfortable looking entrance ever.

First boat is here and exits….…..CLARE, which means she’s getting the boot. She’s voiceovering as she walks saying he makes her feel safe, she trusts him and nothing he has said made her think he has any doubts. She blabs at him for a minute and says she believes in him. He says he wishes the earth sucked him today, which seems off topic. Then he says, “I have to do what’s best for me, so I have to say goodbye to you.”

She is PISSED. He tries to hug her, she says no. Atta girl! She yells for a minute - why did he say he could see himself in Sacramento? Why did he say he could see her having their babies? He had every chance to leave. Then she storms off, turns around and says, “I thought I knew what kind of man you were, but what you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.” ZING! You GO girl. Juan P says under his breath, “Glad I didn’t pick her.”

So here’s my take on Clare: She’s right. He didn’t need to say a bunch of shit about their fake future if he wasn’t going to pick her. He claims he just decided that day who he’d pick, but that’s bullshit. She then gets mad again about the “I love fucking you” comment. Yeah, that seems extra dick to say now that he didn’t pick her.

Nikki comes wobbling off the boat next and says she can’t wait to hear all the things he hasn’t been able to say, like “I love you.” Don’t hold your breath sister.

They meet, she says he’s amazing and she loves him. He says, “I love so many things about you.” He then says her Dad wanted him to be 100% sure before he proposed, and he’s not, so he’s not going to propose. But he’s 100% sure he doesn’t want to let her go.

So honestly, I’m 100% OK with this scenario. It IS weird to get engaged after seven weeks, especially when those seven weeks have been SO far from reality. So I’m totally down with saying he’s not ready. But is IS weird when he starts getting all fatherly, saying, “Now don’t get cranky with me.” He might as well have said, “No, I didn’t propose, and that better fucking be OK because I’m the boss. So shut up and grant me access to the vagine.”

After the Final Rose 

So THIS is when it gets weird for me with Nikki and Juan P. Not proposing is fine and honestly, even not saying, “I love you” is fine…in St. Lucia. Now however, is a different story. But let’s back up a bit.

First Clare comes out and she’s looking pretty good. I dig the leather dress, actually. She again reiterates that she’s just annoyed he didn’t give her any indication he was having doubts about her. She’s assuming he’s smarter than he is. He says the same thing to every girl and always sounds the same – telling them he likes them (but no more) and that he has fun with them. Clare assumes this means, “I want to marry you”, when in fact, its basic Juan P speak. Meaningless and shallow.

Smitty asks her about what he said in the helicopter. She leans over and whispers in Smitty’s ear, “Juan told me he likes fucking me, but I don’t want to say that out loud because then I’ll be admitting I banged him.” Not really. She says she can’t repeat it but it was offensive. She admits she should have left. She then tells Smits that she has nothing left to say to him, has all the closure she needs and doesn’t want to hash it out on the couch. So wrapping up this Clare thing: Clare is constantly dating dudes who only want to bang her. And it happened again, but this time on TV and she’s PISSED. So she stood up to him – as she said, for the first time ever…and she dug it. I hope this is the beginning of giving herself some self-respect and knowing she deserves better.

Juan Pablo 

He probably knows he’s about to get slammed so to divert attention the first thing he says to get some sympathy is “Pray for Venezuela.” Juan Pablo, please. These are people who watch the Bachelor. Those same people don’t follow current events.

Smitty asks him if he has any regrets. He says, “Some hurt, some don’t. There was 600 hours made into 20. I don’t hide behind a computer. Clare was going to be sad. It was personal. No regrets.”

Honestly, yes, I’m being a smart ass, but it’s not far from the truth. He seriously claims that he just followed his heart and he can’t keep everyone, so of course he has no regrets. See, this is him being stupid. He thinks Smitty is mad because he didn’t propose to someone. It’s very black and white to him – he doesn’t understand that there were details he could have handled differently. Like not telling a girl you don’t know them but like fucking them.

Nikki and Juan P 

Nikki first comes out alone and says they’re really happy. Things have been great and yes, she’s still in love. When asked if he loves her, she says, “I don’t know. I hope so.”

THIS IS THE PROBLEM. Yeah, he’s rude and he’s an idiot and completely self-centered but I’ve been able to take him for what he is: A really hot dude who wasn’t put on this earth to intellectually stimulate others (aka perfect for the bachelor franchise). However, now he’s just a fucking asshole. NOW, I think he’s a manipulative dick. He has brainwashed this poor girl into thinking it’s fine to not tell her that he loves her. He probably says that once the show ends, he’ll REALLY get to know her, so it’s OK. Dude, it’s been four months. I think you’d know by now.

He likes banging her, no doubt. He likes her, maybe, but he was probably certainly into this show for the fame and banging-access he had to a bunch of ladies. He doesn’t really love her. If he did, he’d say it. Right? What kills me is that on the finale, she said she needs to hear him say he loves her back. FOUR months later, he still hasn’t said it but now we’re supposed to believe she’s ok with it? Of course she’s not, but she is literally terrified to lose him. What’s WAY sadder to me than Juan P’s asshole-ness, is Nikki’s groundbreaking lack of self-esteem. She hates that he hasn’t said he loves her, but she’s desperate to hang on. This is like the guy I dated in my early 20s, who cheated on me but somehow manipulated me into thinking he was the victim. In 15 years, Nikki will look back on him and realize what a fuck he really is and how she so deserved better.

After Juan comes out, he tells us he feels fantastic about Nikki. Fantastic. Like how you feel after a good run? Who says they feel fantastic about anything, let alone another human?

Smitty asks if he loves her. He says, “I’m not going to answer that question. I get texts of support. You guys have been boxing me. Real life is going to tell.” See? I’m confused.

Juan P then goes on about privacy and how it’s none of our business and he’s not going to say anything. Smitty is PISSED and Catherine even has an intelligent thing to say, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” In my opinion, he’s pissed at all the Juan Pablo bashing he’s received lately. Tabloids and little bloggers like me are all bashing what a dick he is and he doesn’t like it. So now he’s like, “Fuck you guys. I’m out.” So I agree he doesn’t need to give up all privacy but he’s withholding info because he’s pissed. He’s also not saying he loves Nikki because he DOESN’T. She just admitted he doesn’t say it in private either, so it’s not all about the Bachelor haters. He doesn’t love her and won’t say it, period.

Robot Nikki comments he has a daughter and this whole thing is real to them. Oh lord, she’s been drinking Juan Pablo/David Koresh juice. She doesn’t believe this for a second, but she’s saying what he wants her to say. She would do anything for him to say he loves her and to propose, but she’s acting like it’s OK. This is super creepy.

Smitty asks him about their plans and he comments that they had plans but they changed dramatically two weeks ago, because he heard something “from the production.” I’m pretty sure this is about Dancing with the Stars. He was supposed to be on the new season, but they kicked him off a few weeks ago once they realized America thinks he’s a douche bag. So they probably had plans to move to LA for a few months to film it all, but now that’s not happening. Which certainly pissed him off because there goes his 15 minutes of fame.

They’ve been touting a surprise Juan P has for us, but when asked, Juan P says there is no surprise. He was going to tell her he loved her, propose to her, announce he was on Dancing with the Stars, or something like that, but now he’s just over this whole thing. Shit, me too.

I predict a break-up with two months, tops. How sad. Whatevs.

Bachelorette – Andi 

The only thing shocking about this is that someone lent her an official jacket so they can take pictures of her in the field fighting gangs (aka taking pictures of graffiti). I still don’t buy she’s a lawyer.

No really, she’s normal and feisty, so that’s fun, I guess. She is VERY sparkly tonight and looks a lot like Julia Louis Dreyfus. At the end of the day, she’s just ready for love, people.

And that’s the end of THIS day. I’m glad this is over. He sucked. Much like the earth sucked him.

Love you all, readers. Thanks for sticking with me! See you in May (I think) for Andi’s season. Xoxoxox

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The Bachelor Recap – The Whiny Bitches Tell All

Call me crazy but I liked Juan Pablo more after last night’s episode? I mean, don’t get me wrong – he’s still not smart, he’s clueless about women and he’s pretty selfish, but I like that he didn’t back down from those chicks, who were a bunch of whiny bitches last night.

Sean and Catherine 

But FIRST, we discuss Sean and Catherine. Smitty has the balls to ask them about their wedding night, which is so gross. They said it was romantic with fireworks, to which Catherine tacks on “quick fireworks”. He hasn’t stuck it in someone in years, what do you expect? But how horrifying to say that shit on TV. I bet he wanted to punch her in the face.

And WHY Sean tells us how a stingray gave him head is beyond me.

I despise the Muppets.

The Women 

Who are these women? I did watch this season, correct? I don’t recognize 80% of them. Who the hell is Kylie? Oh Kelly, you and your face and that fucking dog. Cassandra! The lipstick – easy! Free Spirit…still nothing for makeup, eh? The fresh face thing won’t last forever, sister. Oh and Sharleen, the fancy opera singer with the fancy hair. Up-do! And I love that damn green dress Andi is wearing, and Renee surprises with a shower. Lookin’ good, girlfriend.

“Juan Pablo has him moments, let’s take a look”, says Smitty. Agreed, he’s still hot, but I WILL send a strongly worded letter to ABC if I have to see a close-up of Juan and Sharleen making out again.

Smitty opens up the floor to the ladies with, “Ok ladies, tell me why you hate Juan Pablo. Just so you know, it’s clear you’re all jealous he didn’t like you, but go ahead.” Example: Danielle says, “Our dates were always surface level.” Ahhh yes, this could be true. But it could be he just didn’t like you. Also, it didn’t stop you from bawling when he dumped you. Also, she’s less black than she used to be?

Lauren, the composer (the one who embarrassingly threw herself on Juan P) says he didn’t ask her questions about her. Again, he just wasn’t into you. Not rocket science. I WILL say that one of the only valid points the girls make is saying he was flip-floppy in his kissing rules. He said he wouldn’t kiss Lauren because his daughter was watching but he made out with almost every single other person that night. That is because, 100%, he didn’t want to kiss Lauren. End of story. He probably should have just admitted that.

I can’t tell you how much I want to kick Kelly in the balls after this episode. Why did she get so much airtime anyway? She’s so clueless. Cassandra said she talked to Juan only about their kids, to which Kelly replied, “Don’t you want to have a relationship outside your child?” Bitch, shut up. You truly have no clue. When you’re a parent, kid comes first, all the time. ALL the time. Do you want to have a relationship with a man AND be a parent? Of course. But if I’m in a bank and someone comes in to rob it, and for some reason he looks at me and says, “Either your kid or husband die”, I have no qualms admitting I’d kiss my husband goodbye in a heartbeat. Sorry, honey. Wow, that was a weird story.

I think Juan P makes some good points about the parent stuff. He says being on the Bachelorette was easier for him because Camila still had her mom but Renee and Cassandra’s kids didn’t have Mom, so that’s why they were special to him. Not special as in better, but special as in, he needed to think a little differently about them. Stupid Chantel says, “They left kids at home, but we left things too.” Fuck you. Yeah, you left your 24 Hour Fitness membership at home for three hours. That’s ALMOST the same.

It’s pretty funny that nobody cares about Clare and Juan P’s romp in the ocean. The only thing they care about is how Juan P slut-shamed her the next day. Man these chicks dislike him.

Sharleen in the Hot Seat 

While watching a recap of Sharleen’s time with Juan P, I’m pleased to see Sharleen is having problems watching her kiss him too. Oh god those shorts again!

I’m not sure why we’re rehashing all this. Don’t we know all this? Sharleen says she said goodbye because she knew he wasn’t the one and didn’t want to hang out any longer. That’s seriously the gist of the whole thing, and we already knew that. I hate this show.

She defends him by saying he did ask her questions about herself. She called him quite curious. She said he was kind to her and she has respect for him. OMG I’m bored. I WILL say I liked her more than I did in her goodbye episode. She’s still a little dry and proper, but she’s so friggin rational.

Renee in the Hot Seat 

Recap of her footage…on the first night, she introduced herself and said, “I’m a single mommy.” It’s amazing she made it past the first night. Mommy?

She said she’s glad she finally admitted she loved him but she could tell he didn’t feel the same way. What gave it away? The fact that you told him you loved him AFTER he eliminated you?

Renee is in a relationship now and US Weekly just reported she’s engaged. So that’s fun. To her fiancé: If you hurt my precious flower, I will cut you. Take care of my sister wife. Call me if you want a third.

Andi in the Hot Seat 

Smitty says, “What went wrong in the fantasy suite? Tonight we’ll find out from Andi.” Orrrrr we already did last week? I hate this show.

As expected, nothing new was revealed. She said he was fun for awhile but talked only about himself, who he knew, his soccer, etc. Then she said he was negative about the whole Bachelor thing and said some stupid things, like telling her Renee almost beat her out. I’ll give her that….that was really stupid, Juannie.

She said she pretended to be asleep so he’d leave her alone and she could get out of there in the morning. Really? Just keep humping him. Then he wouldn’t be talking about soccer but you could still get out of it what you want. Juan P should not be used for talking about politics or current events. Just sex. He should be used for just sex. The end.

Side note…what the hell is everyone in the audience wearing? Every last one of them is sporting a horrendous 1980’s outfit. I see a blazer in the mix, for fucks sake! Seriously, what are these?

 Is that lace under a blazer?

 mesh sleeves and sparkly arms?

Andi then sets herself up to be the next Bachelorette, which is official, by the way. TMZ impressively got their hands on a letter from Andi’s boss, granting her a leave of absence from February to June. She says she’s still looking for love and believes in the process. Good lord, captain obvious. To her credit, I think she’s smart and normal, and yes, hot. I just wonder if the producers approached her about being the next Bachelorette BEFORE she had the fantasy suite night with Juannie. They’re smarmy enough to set that shit up.

Juan Pablo in the Hot Seat 

Smitty dives in, asking if he’d change anything. He says NO…and then blabs about being honest. Basically he’s saying he’d rather be an asshole and honest, then not honest but everyone likes him. This I respect…he just didn’t really do that.

Juan P has a relatively decent comeback for MOST of the bashing. He didn’t kiss Renee because she has a son, He didn’t kiss you Lauren, because he didn’t feel the time was right. So put that in your piano bike and smoke it. What?

Andi says a couple things to him, to which he responds, “Eeeeees OK.” I love him. It’s like his code for saying, “Fuck you guys.”

Side note: Mineral Coordinator is wearing a LOT of makeup. A LOT. Maybe she works for Bare Minerals as a Coordinator and some intern just jacked up the title on the screen?

Kelly’s dad is gay so she asks him about the gay comment he made awhile back (gays are more pervert). He said it was taken out of context and Sharleen comes to his defense saying he’s very open-minded. In all the discussions they had about homosexuality. (?)

There’s a lot more bitching at Juan P and he snaps back at all of them mostly. MAYBE a little apology would have helped, but whatever. Then we get to see his bloopers and I SO WISH they let him refer to Camila as “his little package” all season.

Previews for next week’s finale are a little weird…What’s the drama? I don’t like it when Smitty says that “all questions will be answered” at the “After the Final Rose” special. What does that mean? It might mean he doesn’t choose anyone, but then after that, he picks someone or some confusing bullshit like that. Keep it simple, Bach peeps.

Which means there are THREE hours of Bachelor next week. Holy crap.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Bachelor Recap – It’s OK.

Juan Pablo is excited about the overnights because, “There are no cameras. I can really get to know them.” He adds, “English isn’t my first language. By “them”, I mean “their vagines”.

Who knew I would make a joke about having crabs??

Clare Date 

Clare is excited because THIS is her love story. This is the story she will tell for generations about where her and her fiancé fell in love. Ahhh, yes, it’s the good ‘ol traditional love story. Mine is very similar, except for the part where my fiancé bangs two other women three days before we get engaged.

Then Clare jokes, “If Juan Pablo asks me to spend the night with him, it’s honestly something I’ve been going back and forth with.” She’s funny, that little skank. Ha ha, Clare, good one. She claims when they swam in the ocean (which is TV code for banged in the ocean), it made him feel uncomfortable, so she’s not sure she wants to bang him again. Oh Clare, nobody will know about it this time. It’s behind closed doors. Duh. You’re so funny, Clare. Again with the comedy.

Dammit! She gets the yacht date. They cuddle on the bow and she asks him about her family visit. He doesn’t say much and she keeps talking. She then remarks, “It’s a relief to hear him say how much he loved spending time with my family.” Umm I don’t think he said that. And THIS, my blog friends, explains everything about why Clare is the perfect match for him. She is hot for him and desperate for love. She’s also just simple enough to not really care that there is no real conversation happening or no real cerebral action going on. She just wants to hump, cuddle and talk at him. He just wants to bang her, zone out and talk back about himself, which she’s FINE with, cause she’s Clare. I actually don’t hate her – there’s just not much going on. She’s nice, I think, certainly a little annoying and needy, but these two boneheads work together.

But I do hate it when she does this pouty lip thing:

After dinner, they read the fantasy suite card and she attempts to talk to him about it. Here’s how the conversation goes:

Clare: I want to go but you got mad after we humped in the ocean.
JP: I have a daughter
Clare: I know and I respect that and I respect how you feel about Camila and I just want to tell you I respect how you feel. I still want to bang you but I just want you to know I respect. I respect. AND...I understand. I can use two different words there.
JP: It’s OK. I’m happy.
Clare: But I want to go. Ok, so let’s go. OK go.
JP: Mmmmm vagine.

So I don’t actually understand what happened there and neither do they, really. Again, it’s why these two work. Also, there is SO much food left on the table! Bring a slider back to suite, at least. That would be phenomenal after sex. Dummies.

One other thing…the sex feels so much more obvious this time. I’m sure 99% of fantasy suite dates end up humping, but they all try to spin it that they spend the night talking. This just feels super obvious. Again, Juan P with the wishy-washy action. Do you want to kiss lots of girls or no? Do you want to set an example or not? Do you want to hump in oceans or not? He can’t keep his story straight.

They try to talk on the sofa before the banging begins but again, they have nothing to say to each other, so there’s a lot of, “You’re thinking a lot. Why are you thinking so much? How dare you think! Empty that think-ball on top of your head. Stop thinking! Start humping! Mmm vagine.”

They play the sexy-time music as Clare exclaims, “He’s the man I want to have babies with!” Oh lord, lady. There is one thing that will turn off Juan P, or any dude, it’s loudly fantasizing about having babies and planning a wedding. Shut it.

Andi Date 

Well, SHE gets the short end of the stick for this date. A seafood fiesta? Sweaty beach soccer?

They walk around town, play some drums and eat some food. The best part is when they start chatting with some little local boys, and ask if they’re hungry, and start buying them food and juice. Ummm, I don’t think they’re homeless. They’re just hanging out. I was waiting for their mom to come over and say, “Why are you feeding my fucking kids? Get the hell away from them.”

Later, Juan Pablo claims he JUST decided to take a land buggie to a waterfall, where there just HAPPENED to be a picnic blanket set up with alcohol and food. He recaps the conversation he had with her Dad and she claims how happy and excited she is…uh oh. They head off to dinner and have weird conversations about how he doesn’t really know if she’d be a good mother. Ummm, ouch? I get it, they barely know each other, but JESUS this guy needs to filter and THINK before he talks. He says, “I don’t know if you’d be a good mother. That’s why we have an overnight.” Ahhh, yes, I forgot. After they bang, he gives a mothering test. Question 1: When a baby cries and there is shit falling out the side of his diaper, do you A) go have a glass of wine B) Have sex with me really fast or C) Change it.

She’s on cloud nine, she can’t stop smiling, he thinks she’s a great woman and wife material. Aaaaand fade to the next morning…

JP: I’m so happy about Andi. We talked and laughed for hours. We get along very well. She could be the one.
Andi: Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite. The whole night was a disaster.

So here’s my take on this. After spending 12 hours locked in a room with him, she finally figured out what he’s all about, because she’s smart enough to do it. He’s about himself. Why? Because he’s hot and his ENTIRE life, people love him because he’s hot and charming. Like she said, people laugh at him no matter what he says and like him because he’s hot and nice. Nobody cares if there is anything more to him because they never needed to. He’s hot, athletic and nice. Period. Therefore, he has a completely inflated sense of self and has never had to work for much. Women fall at him. Why would he ask them about their political views? He’s never had to do so much work to land a woman. So he doesn’t know how. He’s not smart enough to figure it out on his own. So I really do think he’s a nice guy and yes, hot, too. But he’s probably pretty selfish and he’s really not smart. And he really doesn’t get what true relationships are about, since every relationship he’s had has centered on him. Honestly, this is why Clare is good for him. She doesn’t even REALIZE this is what he’s like. When she wants to talk about herself, she just does. It doesn’t dawn on her that he isn’t answering or asking questions.

Anyway, Andi says he talked about himself a lot, there was a lot of name-dropping and he didn’t ask her any questions about her. Every time she talked about her past or something, he just made it into a story about himself. She realized how selfish he is and that he doesn’t really even know her. He also made the mistake of telling her that he banged Clare and that Renee almost made it to St. Lucia instead of her. So THAT wasn’t so smart either. Andi claims it was offensive and he has no filter. True dat, girlfriend.

She says that he’s not the one…more on her later.

Nikki Date 

OMG what the fuck is she wearing? Is this a Native American costume party? Oh lord, not sexy, Nikki. That is not sexy.

Juan Pablo says, “Nikki is sexy.” Oh so maybe it is sexy and I just don’t know what the kids are wearing these days. I’m in long johns and an Oregon sweatshirt as we speak, so I suppose I’m not the best judge of hot-26-year-old fashion.

Nikki says that Juan P is funny and has sparkle. He’s also a great kisser and a great dad. So he’s a great person. Soooo, maybe she’s perfect for him too.

They ride horses, make out in the ocean after Nikki almost drowns, and kiss on the beach. He plays with her shirt tassels a bit too. They head to dinner where he yells at her for thinking. “You’re thinking a lot today.” They get the fantasy suite card and she doesn’t hesitate for a second. They head to the suite where she finally tells him she loves him. He just sort of smiles and kisses her. He says, “I can’t wait to learn more about Nikki. And her vagine.” Also, there are lots of loud bugs in St. Lucia.

Smitty/Andi Chat 

Smitty talks to Juan P and asks how he feels. JP says he’s good and you can tell even Smitty hates him now. He says, “But what the fuck does that mean, you dipshit? Have some feelings! I mean, don’t you feel anything strong by now? Do you know ANYTHING about these women? Good lord!”

He watches video messages - Clare and Nikki blab on about loving him, their journey, etc, and Andi says she wants to talk to him in person. She walks up and lays into him. It’s aweeeesome. It’s awesome because I hope he learns something here. I bet she’s the first woman in the history of Juan Pablo to dump him (besides Sharleen). He gets annoyed and defensive and doesn’t REALLY understand or believe anything she says. She gets a little lawyer-y about the bickering towards the end. She should’ve just realized this fight was going nowhere, but she was so annoyed at that point, she wanted to keep laying into him. She says in the car, “He’s never going to get it”, and she’s totally right. He’ll just date yes-women. Women who worship him and don’t demand much in return.

OK Sorry, I jumped ahead. Back to the Andi chat… She tells him she’s not in love with him and he says, “That’s OK.” This pisses her off, and I totally get that. He says that he can’t force her to feel something. Ummm, that’s true, but stop being such a fucking robot. Tell her you liked her! Ask her what went wrong! Something! Geesh.

He claims English is his second language and he’s sorry for saying “It’s OK” too much. He says he respects her and appreciates her. At this point, she maybe should have just left, realizing this was a losing battle. But now she just wants to vent. I would’ve done the same thing. She goes on about how he never asked her questions about her, and didn’t care to get to know her. She yells at him for the Clare and Renee comments, and there seems to be a disagreement on the word “default”. I have to side with him here – no way he used that word. It’s much too big.

The only thing he really says besides “It’s OK”, was when he told her that she should have brought it up in the fantasy suite. I get that, but it was probably tough to realize just how annoying it was until afterwards. But yes, she could have said, “So we’ve spent the night humping and talking about soccer. Isn’t there anything you want to know about me?” But by then it would be over. You shouldn’t have to say that.

You can see that he doesn’t know what to say so he defaults to his signature move: he grabs her face to pet it and she says, “Don’t mess up my makeup.” Yup, this is over. Let’s move on.

What bothers me most is when Juan P says to the camera, “I’m only a little disappointed. The arguments disappointed me right away.” You dick. Again, why don’t you LISTEN to what she’s saying about WHY she was so mad? He was just annoyed a female had the nerve to voice her opinions. Holy crap I sound so feminist there!

For the record, Andi kind of rocks here. Yeah, she went on a little too long with it, but overall she calls him out on his stupidity and rudeness and isn’t sucked into the game here. She realized what she wanted was NOT him.

I got some shit for saying bad things about Sharleen – like just because a woman is smart doesn’t make her a bitch and shouldn’t we think she’s awesome for kicking Juan P to the curb? Again, I give Sharleen props for that, but what bothered me about SharShar was the WAY she was about it. Like she’s SO smart for him and she just sounded so superior. Andi did the same thing Sharleen did, basically, but wasn’t all douchey about how smart she is. That’s the difference to me.

In the shitty Caribbean van, Andi says he doesn’t get it, and that the language barrier is not his problem. I agree. But for being kind of dumb, the guy uses the language barrier excuse quite adeptly. She cries a little, but not about Juan P, but saying, “Am I ever going to find love?” Bitch you’re 26. Do you have any idea how young that is? CHILL.

Rose Ceremony 

Smitty tells the girls Andi isn’t there. Nikki looks shocked and Clare looks thrilled. I feel like Nikki is JUST on the verge of being smart enough to figure out Juan P, but Clare doesn’t care. She wants a husband. Nikki has the brainpower to at least wonder, for a split second, what must have happened for Andi to leave. It doesn’t even cross Clare’s mind.

Juan P explains Andi chose to leave because she didn’t have strong feelings for him. He neglects to tell the girls that she also thought he was a selfish asshole. He gives the roses to Nikki and Clare, who OF COURSE assep that rose.

Clare ends the episode with the insanely ridiculous comment: “I can’t wait to leave here an engaged woman. I can’t wait to find out if it’s me!” Seriously, how fucked up is this premise? But I love it. Can’t wait to see the girls bash down on Juan P in Women Tell All next week and see how this shit show ends in two weeks.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Bachelor Recap – Hometown Date Déjà vu: Crazy sisters, Leather couches and guns

Nikki Hometown Date 

So we dive right in this week, with Nikki (that’s what he said). We start in Kansas City with Nikki’s date because it’s painfully boring so the producers wanted to get that one out of the way.

Nikki says Juan Pablo is so fun and she wants to make sure he’s a bit of a cowboy. Riiiight, JUAN PABLO, the cowboy. Juan Pablo. Doesn’t scream cowboy, no?

She takes him to a barbecue rib joint where he devours his meat with such force I almost get nauseous. I mean, I know ribs are hard to eat in an attractive way, but good lord – it’s like he hasn’t eaten in weeks.

She takes him to ride a mechanical bull and she says its hot watching him. Mmmm, I disagree. Then they decide to ride the bull together…cause THAT seems safe. And my god, just a tad gratuitous. They fall off together – GET OFF THAT MAT. DO NOT MAKE OUT ON THAT MAT. There is sweat, sperm and vomit down there, I’m sure of it. Where is the hand sanitizer? WHERE IS IT.

They head over to Nikki’s parents house where they seem like good ‘ol, normal, middle America peeps, complete with the same ugly leather couch that everyone on this show seems to have. Mom, Dad, two brothers, a wife, etc. Dad toasts Juan Pablo and I want to give him a snuggle. He seems nice.

Nikki tells mom that she’s in love with him and that she would say yes if he proposed. Mom doesn’t seem entiiiiiiirely thrilled but says she’ll always support her. This is where I wonder how my parenting will be…when my daughter comes home and tells me this news, I really want to believe that I will be calm and trust her judgment and tell her I will always support her. But I also know me…And I have a feeling that’s what I will WANT to say, but it will come out more like this: “You crazy whore, get your mind off his large penis and think straight! You are smarter than to think this fuck machine is a match for you! Stop thinking with your vagina! Stop it!” And then I’d pass out.

Juan P sits with dad. When Juannie asks him if he’d accept him into his family, he says, “We trust Nikki to make that decision and if she does, we’d welcome you into our family.” This is all too fucking normal for me. Let’s move on.

One more thing. When Nikki sits with her Dad, he asks her about becoming a step mom and entering a blended family. She says, “I’ve thought about that and I don’t think I’m in for any surprises.” UMMMMMM, any moms out there want to weigh in on Nikki’s delusions? You have NO clue how having a kid changes your life, NIKKI, and I think it would be especially hard to inherit someone else’s kid. You know why? Because kids are annoying. You love your own kids, but kids that don’t belong to you are always irritating.

Andi Hometown Date 

Ohhhhh, SOMEONE got a brand new ombre hair color job since arriving back in Atlanta. Andi takes him to shoot guns. Seriously, it’s déjà vu. Same shit on these hometown dates, I swear. Always a gun somewhere. Always a leather couch. Always a rude Dad. Always an ugly sister (Except with Andi – her sister is cute. But talk to me again when we get to Sacramento).

After the gun segment, they head home to meet Andi’s dad, sister and her husband. Andi’s dad is pretty much a dick. I get that he’s a protective Dad and that this show is a joke and that there is a guy in his house who is banging his daughter, along with three other whores, but….wait, I forget where I was going with that. Of course it makes sense for him to be a dick.

But really, he pushes the asshole-ness a little far. For example, dad says, “We’ve been married 30 years and have two wonderful daughters, a good son-in-law… and a visitor.” Yes, I laughed of course, but kind of dick. If he trusts his brilliant daughter, he must know she’ll figure him out and not marry the guy. I mean, has he not seen the previews?

Andi’s mom is easier to win over, because Juan Pablo dances with her. That woman is married to HY, for god’s sake. She must have had an orgasm right then and there! Even Andi says, “My mom danced with him, so maybe she got an insight into how I’m feeling.” This is wrong on so many levels.

Of course, Juan P talks to Hy and things don’t go well. He says, “The person who is good enough for Andi will come to me and say there is no one else in the world for me. WHEN and IF that happens we’ll have that discussion.” Again, I get it. He’s got a point, but chill out. Also, at this point, I wonder how close Juan P is to quitting this whole fucking shit show.

Andi ends the date by saying, “I’m very close to being in love with him. I feel like I COULD be falling in love.” Riiiight. And I FEEL like I could win the lottery. I’m VERY CLOSE to competing in the 2016 Summer Games in Rio.

Renee Hometown Date 

Juan P heads to Sarasota, Florida for Renee’s date. I feel like he already knew he wasn’t going to choose her so he probably shouldn’t have met Ben. Amiright? I don’t know. Anyway, poor Renee hasn’t seen her son in two months, which is bananas. She hugs him, introduces him to Juan P and they chat. They head to his Little League game and I can’t help but think about what all the other parents think about this random mom bringing Bachelor cameras and a hot Venezuelan dude to Ben’s game.

They head to Renee’s parents house afterwards to meet her mom, dad and brother. They are all super nice and chill, which only reinforces MY desire to marry Renee. I DO wish she had showered today though.

Brother is normal, dad says Renee is glowing, mom says….oh forget it. It’s all super boring, but they’re great people. With a leather couch.

Renee says goodbye to Juan P and there is a lot of face rubbing on his part.

Clare Hometown Date 

Juan P starts by saying, “When I’m with Clare I feel good…so does my penis.” No he didn’t say that. They head to a rose garden where Clare tells LOTS of sad stories about her dead dad, and I fucking cry JUST a little. The bit about throwing the rock? The wedding dance? I mean, my god, the man was a saint.

Clare asks if he’s nervous about meeting her family and he responds, “I can’t wait to see why you are the way you are.” The guy just needs to stop….think….and THEN speak. I get some of this is lost in translation but some of it is just stupidity.

Ummm, why didn't we get to see this?

Clare is the youngest of six girls, and as you know, Dad died, so there is just mom. That is a LOT of fucking women to deal with. I mean, A LOT. And some of them suck, so this was probably an exhausting, horrible night.

Sister Malcolm looks the most normal. Maybe it was Madeline? I really wish it were Malcolm though. Anyway, she’s married and calm, and seems like a voice of reason. She tells us Clare has a “tender heart”, which is obviously the term Clare’s doctor recommended they use when referring to Clare’s craziness. I also think sister Lisa is really sweet, although she pets that cat (dog?) in a very sad, slow way.

Clare sits with her mom and sister Lara (Laura? Fuck I don’t care). And Lara has a bit of a chip on her shoulder. Why is she calling the mom, “Mama”? Are we in 1920’s Amish country? She asks her mom if she’d give them her blessing if they decide to get married and Lara gets crazy pants, saying she’s trying to manipulate Mama. My only question here is…what the fuck is wrong with Mama? If I were Mama, I’d say, “Lara, chill the fuck out and sit down. Clare is just talking. Plus you KNOW what the doctor said, REMEMBER? We let Clare talk, smile like it’s normal, and THEN medicate her coffee when she’s not looking.” But really, why isn’t her mom talking?

Clare goes inside to cry to another sister. Mama and Juan P try to chat but Lara insists on going with them. Oh lord, it’s falling apart. Can you imagine the holidays with this crew? Run Juan P, Run!

So that’s about it. Clare is certainly crazy but I don’t think it’s in a “I am evil and want to kill you” sort of way. It’s just a serious desperation to be loved, to replace the love of her dad and to get the hell away from that gaggle of women. How’s THAT for an undergraduate psychology degree?

Rose Ceremony 

Seriously, the most predictable rose ceremony of all time. He gives roses to Clare, Nikki and Andi. Poor Renee gets sent home and handles it like a champ. She cries a little but doesn’t badger him about his reasons. She acknowledges that it sucks, but says she can’t force him to feel something for her. She says he opened her eyes to the fact that nice guys exist. I can’t help but think she’s planting the seed to be the next Bachelorette. PLEASE do it, Bachelor peeps! I fear it won’t happen because she’s not exciting enough (read: dramatic), but that would be great for my love, Renee.

Tonight is the fantasy suite debacle. I’m pretty sure they give away 95% of it in the previews, but hell, I’ll still watch. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Bachelor Recap - Sharleen and her 1991 Wardrobe Head Home

Bitches and Hot-but-Dumb Juan P are in Miami this week. The girls are excited to be here because it’ll be what life is really like with Juan P……….and they say this as they check into the Penthouse Suite of the Lowes hotel. Yup, exactly like it.

FYI - Sharleen is wearing fish bone earrings.

Sharleen Date 

Sharleen begins her two-hour whine fest, complaining about the lack of “cerebral connection” between them. What a wet blanket. LOOK AT HIM! Isn’t that enough? Now you want intellectual stimulation, conversation and shit like that? Such annoying high standards. Women!

She says today is the day she should know if he should meet her family and maybe become a part of it. Well at least she’s not putting TOO much pressure on the date. My God. She needs a chill pill. That’s right, I said chill pill. It’s like1997, people.

Of COURSE she gets the yacht date. This is the date I would want. Sitting around a lot, eating and drinking on a yacht. With Juan P’s aggressive tongue in my mouth all afternoon. Mmmm. Anyway, they drive around, swim, eat dinner, whatever. The only thing to note is that they literally don’t talk about anything and all they do is make out. She goes on and on about how she has a hard time not kissing him and it’s hard to stay focused, blaaaaaah. Stay focused on what? Just ENJOY it, you self-absorbed cerebrum lady. She fucking thinks too much. Isn’t it clear he’s not going to be the most intellectual dude on the planet? But she keeps saying how happy she is when she’s with him and how sexy he is. So can’t that be enough for now?

OK I’m half kidding. Of course, with all the bashing I do about these stupid ladies who fall in love in three minutes and act like they’ll DIE if they don’t get engaged in three weeks, you’d think I’d love Sharleen. And it IS amazing that she’s smart enough to think whether she’d actually be HAPPY with him forever, and she’s smart enough not to let the competition factor get to her. She has the balls to be honest with him and herself. All good things. I just think she’s a little high and mighty about it – she thinks she’s so much better than him. And she doesn’t allow herself to just chill. She even said, “When we’re together, I’m just happy which is something I just don’t allow myself to feel very often.” SEE PEOPLE? Why isn’t she allowing herself to be happy with Juan penis is her vagine? Me don’t get that.

Anyway, they eat dinner and do more of this:

For real, Juan. Yucks. That shit is GRAPHIC. She AGAIN comments on the intense sexual chemistry and says, “It gives me great pause”. Oh fuck, calm down, horny Sally. Then she says this, which really pisses me off: “I wish I wasn’t as smart so I could just be like, duh, it’s so much simpler.” Fuck you and your big brain. I’m SORRY you can’t be dumber and just enjoy life. Geesh. (For the record, half this is a joke. She deserves major props for having the balls and brain to know he’s not right for her. I just think she’s a little high-strung. Also, hands down, she has the WORST taste in clothes I have ever seen on this show. By a landslide.)

Nikki Date 

Juan P says he has a surprise for Nikki, which turns out to be the single worst surprise in Bachelor history. Not only does Nikki have to sit through a 4 year-olds dance recital, but she has to meet Juan P’s parents and best of all – the insanely hot baby mama. She barely disguises her bummed out-ness. She’s probably all, “Yo, where’s the yacht? Fuck Camila. Please, I want to dry hump you on a boat.”

But what she actually says is, “I’m flattered. It’s not what I was expected. I’m speechless.” Then she adds on, “Wow, I wish I didn’t wear these massively slutty shorts now.”

They head to the recital and I’m not sure Camila has a future in Broadway. Just sayin’. After the recital, Camila runs to Juan P and Nikki first. If I was divorced and my daughter ran to daddy and his new whore before me, shit would hit the fan. They say hi, hang out a bit and leave.

They head to Marlins Park where she is forced to play baseball despite the fact she’s not dressed for it at all. I mean, how are her boobs not popping out of that shirt? Also, she’s so pissed she has to sweat right now.

They sit down to chat and she shows signs of intelligence by asking how she would fit into the equation – with Camila, hot baby mama, etc. It’s a valid point. If Camila is with Nikki, and acts like a little asshole, can Nikki punish her? Or is that reserved for real mom? I’m sure these things work themselves out, but props to bitch Nikki for asking. Of course, Juan P doesn’t understand the question at all.

Sharleen decides to dump Juan P. I was going to give this part it’s own section, complete with it’s own header and everything. But then I realized there’s nothing to say. She goes to Juan P’s suite, and tells him, “The idea of a proposal doesn’t seem like something that’s possible for me.” Ever. With anyone. Nobody is smart enough. NOBODY.

Juan P takes it in stride, and tells her she can’t be sorry for how she feels. He tells the camera it takes guts to be honest in this situation. She stares at his lips and tells him he smells good. Who’s the intelligent one now? Oh yeah, probably still Sharleen.

Group Date 

100% NOT Chris Harrison's handwriting

Renee, Andi, Clare and Chelsie take a seaplane ride with Juan P to a private island where they take turns making out with him. Again. That’s all these dates consist of – kissing, hair rubbing and very little talking. Highlights from his conversations with the girls:

Chelsie: He says, “She has a happy vibe.” Which is code for, “OMG she’s totally going home.” Renee: Oops no coverage. Must have been RIVETING.
Andi: “Waaaaaaaa, I want reassurance! Waaaaaa!”
Clare: “So I have this DVD I have to tell you about….”

He then gives a rose to Andi, which means she is guaranteed a hometown date and the other girls have to get their sandy asses back on the seaplane alone. Andi gets to spend the rest of the day/night with Juan P alone.

They apparently swim back to Miami, find a place to shower, and get dressed. Does Andi have to carry that rose around with her all night? That’s annoying. They head to a club to dance to Latin music and it’s clear she’s got NO rhythm. I don’t either, so I can’t bash it, but well yes, I can. MAN she’s bad.

The girls get home and somehow Nikki and Clare get into a fight. Thanks to crappy editing (or maybe just my crappy listening), I have no idea how it really started. Clare goes to talk to Nikki and they basically just bitch each other out. Here’s my take: Clare is certainly a little crazy. She’s insecure and a tad on the nutty side, but has good intentions. The girl just wants someone to watch the damn DVD people, and who can blame her? Nikki is a fucking bitch. OK I don’t know her and this shit is edited, but she is just bitchy.

Here’s how their fight went…and this also explains a bit about why Juan P’s lack of intelligence isn’t a problem for them:

Clare: What happened down there? Did I say something bad?
Nikki: Fuck you, I’m a bitch and I hate you.
Clare: But you can’t say that in this room. I own this hotel room.
Nikki: No you don’t. We all just rented it. My shit is in the room. And by shit, I really mean shit. Have you seen this shithole? Holy cow, I’m a pig!
Clare: I’m sorry, it’s just…See, I have this DVD….
Nikki: Did you pee on Juan P? Cause I peed on him too.
Clare: Dude, gross. Oh wait, yes I peed on him in the ocean. When I banged him. Sometimes that happens when I orgasm. It’s this issue I’m having with the muscle walls of my bladder. See the bladder is a complicated organ, when one---
Nikki: I’m still a bitch! Get out! It’s my room!
Clare: Did you pay for it?
Nikki: Well, no. Did you? Did you sleep here? I’m a BITCH!
Clare: OK I’ll leave. But I chose to leave MY hotel. I OWN this hotel.
Nikki: What?
Clare: I don’t know.

Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the cock and tail party:

• Nikki says, “The last thing I want to do is hang out with my boyfriend and crazy Clare.” Ummm, your boyfriend? Sounds like someone else peed on Juan. Easy, Nikki.
• Chelsie comments that Nikki doesn’t willingly participate in conversations and that she’s very high school. Oddly, I trust Chelsie on that one.
• Nikki is way overly confident here, saying she basically already has a rose and she met his family so she’s clearly winning. Smug bitch. Shut it.
• Clare and Nikki sit together in silence and it’s awesome. It’s more entertaining than them fighting actually.

Rose Ceremony 

Andi already has a rose. The others go to:

-Nikki – The super bitchy, smug nurse. Hates Clare. Can’t keep a hotel room neat. Owns Loews Miami Beach.
-Clare – Owns a DVD, slightly crazy, peed on Juan P.
-Renee – Oh my poor girl. Awesome, hot, normal, sweet. Code for….will only last one more week. BOO.

Therefore, Chelsie goes home. Juan P is taking it hard. He walks her out. He’s sobbing and she says, “Really it’s no problem I had a great time its nice to meet a good guy for once if there’s a better match for you I want you to have that match you’re so wonderful good luck.”

In all honesty, she was probably the best one left (except for Renee), but she’d be too exhausting to Juan P. She doesn’t sit still and let Juan put his tongue in her mouth often enough.

Next week is a two-day Bachelor event? Good lord. Although, I admit, I’m SUPER intrigued. What goes down in the fantasy suite? What is Clare’s ugly sister all about? I kind of can’t wait. See you next week!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Bachelor Recap - Juan gets kissing practice, still can't speak English

First, let me apologize for last week. I missed the recap because I was in Mexico and apparently they don’t let people watch that crap in Mexico on the Internet. Plus, you know, I was busy having fun. But I’m really sorry! And MAN you people know how to give a girl shit! I love that you love me enough to give me shit about missing it though. In case I haven’t said it in awhile, I love all of you. Will you all accept my rose? That doesn’t make sense.

So I didn’t recap last week, but let me just TOUCH on the small detail that Clare and Juan P humped their brains out in an ocean. You all realize they really did hump, right? 100%, no doubt about it. Why else would there have been such ridiculous drama afterwards? I don’t know who sucks more here – Clare or Juan P. I don’t really care that she was a tad slutty and humped him, but I just don’t think I’d hump a guy who is clearly making out with (getting blow jobs from, finger banging, whatever) ten other girls. She’s doing it in a sad attempt to land him, when in reality, the fact she’ll bang him has nothing to do with whether he’d pick her for a wife. It’ll probably work against her, actually. OMG even writing this out makes me realize how completely fucked up this premise is. But that’s what makes it aweeeeeesome for us to watch.

So after the hump fest, Juan P tells Clare they made a mistake and took it too far, etc. With his weird language translation, it’s hard to tell if he’s taking any of the blame for this, but he fucking should. You got bigger problems than your daughter seeing you make out with a chick in the ocean. For one, you’re ON the Bachelor to find a wife. Two, you make out with everyone. There is no difference between making out with three and six girls. You’re going to need to talk to her about all this one day, so chill the fuck out, Juan P. And then he sent home Kelly (dog girl) and Danielle (still no clue who that was). There’s my recap.

This Week 

Onto this week, there are now eight girls left and they head to New Zealand. I have a friend from New Zealand who has a house on Lake Taupo so I spent half the show texting him about it. He has no idea what “The Squeeze” was and he said the Huka Lodge is bananas expensive and beautiful. He was more concerned with what this exposure will do to his property values. I assured him it will raise values but he’ll have to clean out all the herpes now floating in his lake.

Before we dive into the dates, Clare claims that last week in Vietnam, “everything kind of blew up in my face”. So THAT could be misconstrued.

Andi Date 

Andi says she wants to have a breakthrough with Juan Pablo on this date. Or have him breakthrough her vagina. Sorry, I’m out of practice.

Juan P planned a very adventurous date, because he needs to make sure she trusts him. Ummm, but he’s never been there either…so….For the record, I feel like I repeat myself every goddamn week. The fact that the producers planned an outing and have a medic standing by has ZERO to do with trust. Also, how is THIS even slightly romantic:

I give her points for wearing a one-piece. It comes across as not as slutty, and it’s actually harder to look good in a one-piece. Anyhoo, they take a jet boat to some hot springs place, which requires you to squeeze through mossy rock walls to get there. Then they do this:

I think it’s supposed to look more sensual and less water-torture-y.

After the excursion, they head to dinner in front of a geyser, which is phallicly exploding. The producers were probably sooooo proud of themselves.

The geyser ended up spewing all over them, ruining their dinner. Andi says she doesn’t care about the dinner, just the conversation. This is the reason we couldn’t be friends. I’d be super pissed my dinner was ruined. So they go on a walk and park their hungry asses on some bridge. They talk and she says, “If I didn’t have a job or nice things in life, I’d be ok with just having love.” No you wouldn’t. That’s a lie. If you and Juan Pablo really loved each other, but lived under a fucking bridge in Detroit, you would not be happy.

Juan P ends the date by saying, “Andi’s great. She wants a family. She wants somebody to spend the rest of her life with…kinda just like me.” Ooooooor anyone else on the show. Or 90% of single girls on the planet. But sure, she’s super special. She gets the rose.

Group Date 

The group date is for Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat and Cassandra. Cassandra turns 22 today, which puts her solidly at only one DECADE behind Juan Pablo.

They have a picnic on a field and then roll down a huge hill while inside massive inflatable balls. I admit that looks crazy fun. Even wet blanket Nikki says it’s super fun. Also, what is Sharleen’s swimsuit all about? Also I have nothing to say about this, but it's gross for some reason:

After that they go to Hobbiton, where New Zealand is still trying to milk all they can from Lord of the Rings. Sharleen is geeking out, as she calls it. She’s thrilled to be there. Well, if we needed one more reason to hate her, there you go.

Juan P spends the night switching between each girl and making out with each one. Renee says she loves kissing Juan Pablo and would love to kiss him for the rest of her life. FINALLY! Someone honest. We don’t want to marry the guy, but he’d be AWESOME to bang for the rest of your life. Amiright?

Nikki tells Juan P that she’s falling for him but it’s scary because she could get hurt so her reaction is to pull back so its hard but its going to be totally worth it OH MY GOD, THEY ALL SAY THE SAME SHIT. Not only that, but everyone thinks those things. I’m getting jaded…might this be my last season recapping? Seriously, I say the same shit every week.

The moments with Sharleen are horrifying. They have ZERO to say to each other. He says hi, she says hi…aaaand they start kissing. She pulls away to ask him, “How are you feeling?” Guys LOVE to stop making out to talk about their feelings. He barely answers, kisses her again, and she stops to ask him, “How do you think I’m feeling?” Could he hate her more? STOP TALKING. You’re clearly not going to have some insane intellectually stimulating time with this dude. Take it for what it is, shut up and stick your damn tongue in his mouth. Geesh.

She then comments, “This process is inorganic for me.” The guy doesn’t know what “tree” means in English, he sure as hell isn’t going to know what “inorganic” means. Also, SHE’S fucking inorganic to me.

He has a PAINFULLY boring talk with Cassandra and then oddly gives the rose to Sharleen. What the heck? Maybe he thinks “inorganic” means “super horny and slutty”.

Whose cat is that?

After he gives the rose to Sharleen, he takes Cassandra outside to chat and gives her the best birthday present he could – he lets her go home to her son Tray. I know that’s not how you spell it but it’s how I’m going to spell it.

Clare Date 

Juan P says, “I got in trouble last week with Clare. I am learning my boundaries.” He adds, “In my country, it’s OK to have the sex with lots of women all day long. I like the love. I like the vagine.”

Clare says he hurt her feelings last week. Waa waa, what a baby. Suck it up. It’s not THAT bad when a guy has sex with you and then tells you he totally regrets it. Oh wait…yes. Yes it is.

 Totally unrelated. Sometimes the Olympics freak me out.

They have a strange discussion about the incident, and I’m super confused thanks to his wacky English. He tries to keep it delicate. I don’t know what that means. He says, “Promise I won’t make you cry.” To which she replies, “Ummm, don’t make me cry?” She has a point.

They head to a hotel lobby and put on Hammer pants. I want some of those. He asks her if her heart is melting. I throw a shoe at the screen.

OMG is she still talking? Juan P says, “I like listening to you.” Liar. That’s what you say when you’ve totally zoned out and have no clue what she just said so you have to say something else to respond but not give away the fact you aren’t listening. She gets the rose.

Cocktail Party 

I almost have an under-the-sofa moment during his conversation with Smitty. Juan P says, “I’ll have six great girls left, who will…go with me…someplace else. In two days.”

Juan P and his ill-fitting suit don’t have a cocktail party – they just have a rotation of turns slurping his face. He talks with Nikki: hi, hi, I like you a lot, why, I just do, SLUUUUUUURP.

Renee comments that it’s nerve-wracking to be the only single mom left. The minute he knows she’s not the one, he’ll send her ass home. So basically, she’ll shit her pants every time he takes her into another room. After their talk, Juan P claims there’s nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kids. Liar. Seriously, that’s not attractive. Sweet maybe, but I’ve never had sexy talk with my husband that involved the kids. Gross.


Kat has been journaling since she’s been on the show. And probably scrapbooking. Maybe quilting, since she’s apparently 60. And since when is journaling a real word? She tells Juan P about the time when she was only five years old and her baby sister was crying in her crib. She went to get her Dad but he was passed out drunk. So she had to crawl into the crib until the baby stopped crying. AT AGE FIVE. OH MY GOD. That shit is heartbreaking. Juan P if you send her home, I’ll punch you. The girl needs a hug, not a goddamn journal.

Rose Ceremony 

Andi, Clare and Sharleen already have roses. The others go to:

-Nikki: Nurse, bitchy last week but might be nicer now. Totally delusional about the state of her relationship with Juan P.
-Renee: I will make sweet love to her. I love her. However, I feel she wouldn’t be happy with Juan P, which makes me sad. I will find you true love, Renee. Hopefully you’ll be the next Bachelorette.
-Chelsie: Talks waaaay too much and seems waaaay too young. She’s gone next.

Therefore, Kat goes home and to her credit she leaves like a champ. She smiles, hugs him and says, “Good luck”. There’s not a lot of “whyyyyyyy didn’t you pick me? Waaaaa!” She’s a big girl. I dig it. Then she gets into the limo and loses her shit, but just a little. She says, “We were at a different point than the rest of the girls, but I was OK with that. It’s a marathon not a sprint, right?” Ummm, no. No, sweetie. You meet a guy and get engaged in three weeks or something. That’s the definition of a love sprint. A sex-filled wife-search sprint.

Sharleen starts up her weird whining shit again. She says she’s happy to be there, but she feels like it’s wrong somehow. She also says she can see other girls here suiting him better. So why the hell are you there? Oh yeah, to travel the world for free and touch Juan P’s penis. She says she’ll give it just ONE more week. Good for you, Shar. Way to take the high road.

See you guys next week! Down to six girls – weee!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor Recap - Nikki's on the rag

Juan P doesn’t look all that sad to leave Camila to bang chicks in Seoul, am I right?

Smitty tells the gals they’re heading to Seoul and they freak. I’m sure they’re excited but I know most are bummed it’s not Fiji. Or is that just me? Two group dates and one 1-on-1 date this week. In Seoul. Also, that group sticks out like a sore thumb in Seoul. Wow.

Group Date One 

The first group date is for Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat and Nikki. We learn pretty quickly that Nikki is on her period. What a crankster, geesh.

They meet up with Juan P and are told they get to meet 21, Korea’s biggest pop stars. Juan says, “They’re as big as the Spice Girls in America.” Ummm, does he mean Spice Girls in 1996 or current-day Spice Girls? There’s a difference, just sayin’.

In a nutshell - They meet the girls of 21, learn their dance, get dressed up in wacky clothes and perform with them on stage (at a mall concert). I know Kat is a dancer but she looks odd. It’s not super hot looking…just odd. Maybe I’ve been watching too much “So You Think You Can Dance” and my standards are too high? I can tell she’s been taught, obviously, but there’s something off. Dancers, weigh in here.

Nikki is Piss Pants McGraw. I mean, shut up, you super wet blanket. I get it – it would suck to be there and be the worst dancer. It would suck to have to dress up like an asshole and dance in front of lots of people. But just say you’re not a great dancer, but pretend to have fun. Haven’t you figured out that The Bachelor is all about pretending to be something you’re not? So work on that.

They head to the Korea Furniture Museum (naturally), for their after-party. Kat says there is more than just some good dance moves in her repertoire, so she hits Juan P with a good ol’ alcoholic parent story. Yikes! She spills all about her Dad’s seven DUI’s and how he never paid child support. But hey, her mom was great and totally made lemonade out of lemons. Yeeeeeah, I’m pretty sure those aren’t the words her mom would have used to describe the situation. Just a hunch.

Everyone comments how negative Nikki is and yup, I can see that. I blame the fact she has to work with kids all day…Nikki and Juan P talk and of course, she sounds much more normal and happier with him. She says she’s shy (say what?). When asked how she feels about kids and Camila, she says it’s something she’s ready to take on because she’s really good at changing diapers. Ummm, Camila is four. But thanks.

Juan P gives Nikki the rose and she is STOKED – see photo. She says she has butterflies and hopes this feeling lasts forever. Honestly, people, I can’t repeat myself again, but can someone out there edit America’s sex ed curriculum to cover this? YOU DON’T HAVE BUTTERFLIES FOREVER. Try to base your marriage decision on something else, pleeeease.

"I'm getting the rose. Suck it, Clare!"

Sharleen Date 

Intern! We haven’t had enough footage of naked Juan Pablo in the shower. Go make it happen!

Juan Pablo picks Sharleen up at the hotel and she’s wearing something totally inexplicable. Black shorts, I think, with black pantyhose (you heard me) and black chunky heels, JUST like the ones I borrowed from my college roommate in 1996 when I wanted to look SUPER cool. Anyway, they walk around a market and Sharleen says, “I feel like we’re on vacation together and we’re walking through a market.” Yeeeees, correct, that’s what you’re doing. They have tea where Sharleen explains to Juan P that he is not bland, like interesting food. What the fuck is happening here?

Sharleen is starting to fall for him, just like all the other lady drones. Ahhh, I don’t blame them. I might too. I’m not saying I’m dumb enough to marry the guy, but at 25, I would have been all over that shit. And maybe also at 38.

He sticks her in a courtyard and makes her sing opera, and Sharleen acts like she just gave him a blowjob. She’s flabbergasted they went this far on their first real date! Good lord, what is she going to do when he tries to stick it in her in two weeks?

They head to dinner where they chat about, I don’t know. Stuff. He then asks her how many kids she wants…insert record scratch. She says she’s never thought about kids…so she never said she didn’t want any kids but the Bachelor producers want to play up this whole thing. Stupid. She gets the rose.

Group Date Two 

Group date two is for Clare, Andi, Renee, Aliison, Lauren and Kelly. Did the dog not make it to Seoul?

They head out to explore the weird shit in Seoul and start with karaoke in a whorehouse. At least that’s what it looks like. They just all bounce up and down a lot. Then they take out paddleboats. Then they head to world famous “Dr. Fish Zone”. They stick their feet in the water and a whole bunch of disgusting little fish eat the dead skin off your feet. I almost can’t think of anything more nauseating. I’m certain I would freak out.

Clare begins to panic that she’s falling into the background and begins to show her crazy. This continues all night and unfortunately, I fear she’s a bit nutso. I liked her, but not anymore. I think she’s a bit too craze-balls. When Juan P makes everyone eat octopus, she enjoys squealing and being the center of attention. She’s bananas insecure. So unattractive, people.

They head to the after-party where Juan P claims he’s not going to kiss anybody tonight because he’s already kissed a lot and he doesn’t want his daughter to see that. Ummm, you were on the BACHELOR. You’re going to have a LOT to discuss regardless. He talks to Renee and Andi, and he doesn’t kiss them. They’re also normal. Have I mentioned this week how much I dig Renee? She’s so cute and normal. I want my husband to bring her home and be my sister wife.

Lauren. Oh Lauren…so much to discuss. First off, you need some bangs. Second, why why why why why did you try to kiss him? She throws herself on him so aggressively that the cameras almost miss it. Jesus lady. I guess it’s fine for a girl to make the first move, but…well, maybe it’s not. Just don’t bother – if he wants to kiss you, he would. But again, she was so obsessed with getting some reassurance for her insecure ass, that she does crazy things. (Yes, I was totally under my sofa by the way). I’m adding an insecurity section to my Bachelor class.

Juan P mentions that Lauren is upset and he feels horrible. He adds, “I’m also completely turned off.”

Not much else to add - Dog Girl Kelly is a total bitch and Clare is still crazy insecure. He gives the rose to Andi, which almost sends Lauren and Clare into a tailspin.

Cocktail Party 

Cocktail party highlights:

• Clare licks her lips a lot?
 • Nikki interrupts Clare and Juan P and the girls are pissed since she already has a rose. I mean, in 25 seasons, how many times have we seen this? Fast forward, TiVo.
• Clare tells Nikki that she’s rubbing people the wrong way because she’s one way around Juan P and another way arou...fuck it, you guys don’t care. Basically, a lot of catty shit.

Rose Ceremony 

Nikki, Sharleen and Andi have roses. The others go to:

Renee – my future lesbian wife.
Chelsie – normal-ish, but mental age is only about 17. Or 7.
Kelly – dog girl who turns out to be quite a bitch. But hey, she has her face on!
Danielle – who? Does she speak? She’s going home next week. I bet my rose on it.
Cassandra – soooo meek. But nice, I suppose. And holy shit so young.
Allison – who? She’s in the Vietnam airport limo next week with Danielle.
Clare – coming apart slowly at the seams. Nice gal, but it’s all unraveling people.
Kat – dancer who looked a little too spazzy. Kind of arrogant. Mother makes lemonade.

Which means Elise and Lauren head home. Elise is bummed and does an ugly cry. And what the hell is this about?

I'm not just talking about her outfit (although that too), but why are we all just watching her walk away?

Lauren just keeps saying, “Why did I DO that the other night?” I don’t know if she’s referring to trying to kiss him or greeting him on a piano bike.

Juan P tells the girls that they’re heading to Vietnam next week. Also, blog friends, I’m going to Mexico with nine of my best friends and no kids, so that’s where I’ll be next Monday. I’m not sure if the Bachelor is on in Cabo or if I’ll be too drunk to watch it anyway. And I’m not sure how awesome the Internet access is to watch it online the next day. So basically don’t be shocked if you don’t hear from me at all, or if the post is late, or if the post is on time but only contains drunken gibberish. Thanks for understanding but Mama gets a vacation. If you want to follow some of the Mexican debauchery, follow me on Instagram: jenfrase