Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The Bachelor Recap – The Whiny Bitches Tell All

Call me crazy but I liked Juan Pablo more after last night’s episode? I mean, don’t get me wrong – he’s still not smart, he’s clueless about women and he’s pretty selfish, but I like that he didn’t back down from those chicks, who were a bunch of whiny bitches last night.


Sean and Catherine 

But FIRST, we discuss Sean and Catherine. Smitty has the balls to ask them about their wedding night, which is so gross. They said it was romantic with fireworks, to which Catherine tacks on “quick fireworks”. He hasn’t stuck it in someone in years, what do you expect? But how horrifying to say that shit on TV. I bet he wanted to punch her in the face.

And WHY Sean tells us how a stingray gave him head is beyond me.

I despise the Muppets.


The Women 

Who are these women? I did watch this season, correct? I don’t recognize 80% of them. Who the hell is Kylie? Oh Kelly, you and your face and that fucking dog. Cassandra! The lipstick – easy! Free Spirit…still nothing for makeup, eh? The fresh face thing won’t last forever, sister. Oh and Sharleen, the fancy opera singer with the fancy hair. Up-do! And I love that damn green dress Andi is wearing, and Renee surprises with a shower. Lookin’ good, girlfriend.

“Juan Pablo has him moments, let’s take a look”, says Smitty. Agreed, he’s still hot, but I WILL send a strongly worded letter to ABC if I have to see a close-up of Juan and Sharleen making out again.

Smitty opens up the floor to the ladies with, “Ok ladies, tell me why you hate Juan Pablo. Just so you know, it’s clear you’re all jealous he didn’t like you, but go ahead.” Example: Danielle says, “Our dates were always surface level.” Ahhh yes, this could be true. But it could be he just didn’t like you. Also, it didn’t stop you from bawling when he dumped you. Also, she’s less black than she used to be?

Lauren, the composer (the one who embarrassingly threw herself on Juan P) says he didn’t ask her questions about her. Again, he just wasn’t into you. Not rocket science. I WILL say that one of the only valid points the girls make is saying he was flip-floppy in his kissing rules. He said he wouldn’t kiss Lauren because his daughter was watching but he made out with almost every single other person that night. That is because, 100%, he didn’t want to kiss Lauren. End of story. He probably should have just admitted that.

I can’t tell you how much I want to kick Kelly in the balls after this episode. Why did she get so much airtime anyway? She’s so clueless. Cassandra said she talked to Juan only about their kids, to which Kelly replied, “Don’t you want to have a relationship outside your child?” Bitch, shut up. You truly have no clue. When you’re a parent, kid comes first, all the time. ALL the time. Do you want to have a relationship with a man AND be a parent? Of course. But if I’m in a bank and someone comes in to rob it, and for some reason he looks at me and says, “Either your kid or husband die”, I have no qualms admitting I’d kiss my husband goodbye in a heartbeat. Sorry, honey. Wow, that was a weird story.

I think Juan P makes some good points about the parent stuff. He says being on the Bachelorette was easier for him because Camila still had her mom but Renee and Cassandra’s kids didn’t have Mom, so that’s why they were special to him. Not special as in better, but special as in, he needed to think a little differently about them. Stupid Chantel says, “They left kids at home, but we left things too.” Fuck you. Yeah, you left your 24 Hour Fitness membership at home for three hours. That’s ALMOST the same.

It’s pretty funny that nobody cares about Clare and Juan P’s romp in the ocean. The only thing they care about is how Juan P slut-shamed her the next day. Man these chicks dislike him.


Sharleen in the Hot Seat 

While watching a recap of Sharleen’s time with Juan P, I’m pleased to see Sharleen is having problems watching her kiss him too. Oh god those shorts again!

I’m not sure why we’re rehashing all this. Don’t we know all this? Sharleen says she said goodbye because she knew he wasn’t the one and didn’t want to hang out any longer. That’s seriously the gist of the whole thing, and we already knew that. I hate this show.

She defends him by saying he did ask her questions about herself. She called him quite curious. She said he was kind to her and she has respect for him. OMG I’m bored. I WILL say I liked her more than I did in her goodbye episode. She’s still a little dry and proper, but she’s so friggin rational.


Renee in the Hot Seat 

Recap of her footage…on the first night, she introduced herself and said, “I’m a single mommy.” It’s amazing she made it past the first night. Mommy?

She said she’s glad she finally admitted she loved him but she could tell he didn’t feel the same way. What gave it away? The fact that you told him you loved him AFTER he eliminated you?

Renee is in a relationship now and US Weekly just reported she’s engaged. So that’s fun. To her fiancĂ©: If you hurt my precious flower, I will cut you. Take care of my sister wife. Call me if you want a third.


Andi in the Hot Seat 

Smitty says, “What went wrong in the fantasy suite? Tonight we’ll find out from Andi.” Orrrrr we already did last week? I hate this show.

As expected, nothing new was revealed. She said he was fun for awhile but talked only about himself, who he knew, his soccer, etc. Then she said he was negative about the whole Bachelor thing and said some stupid things, like telling her Renee almost beat her out. I’ll give her that….that was really stupid, Juannie.

She said she pretended to be asleep so he’d leave her alone and she could get out of there in the morning. Really? Just keep humping him. Then he wouldn’t be talking about soccer but you could still get out of it what you want. Juan P should not be used for talking about politics or current events. Just sex. He should be used for just sex. The end.

Side note…what the hell is everyone in the audience wearing? Every last one of them is sporting a horrendous 1980’s outfit. I see a blazer in the mix, for fucks sake! Seriously, what are these?

 Is that lace under a blazer?

 mesh sleeves and sparkly arms?

Andi then sets herself up to be the next Bachelorette, which is official, by the way. TMZ impressively got their hands on a letter from Andi’s boss, granting her a leave of absence from February to June. She says she’s still looking for love and believes in the process. Good lord, captain obvious. To her credit, I think she’s smart and normal, and yes, hot. I just wonder if the producers approached her about being the next Bachelorette BEFORE she had the fantasy suite night with Juannie. They’re smarmy enough to set that shit up.


Juan Pablo in the Hot Seat 

Smitty dives in, asking if he’d change anything. He says NO…and then blabs about being honest. Basically he’s saying he’d rather be an asshole and honest, then not honest but everyone likes him. This I respect…he just didn’t really do that.

Juan P has a relatively decent comeback for MOST of the bashing. He didn’t kiss Renee because she has a son, He didn’t kiss you Lauren, because he didn’t feel the time was right. So put that in your piano bike and smoke it. What?

Andi says a couple things to him, to which he responds, “Eeeeees OK.” I love him. It’s like his code for saying, “Fuck you guys.”

Side note: Mineral Coordinator is wearing a LOT of makeup. A LOT. Maybe she works for Bare Minerals as a Coordinator and some intern just jacked up the title on the screen?

Kelly’s dad is gay so she asks him about the gay comment he made awhile back (gays are more pervert). He said it was taken out of context and Sharleen comes to his defense saying he’s very open-minded. In all the discussions they had about homosexuality. (?)

There’s a lot more bitching at Juan P and he snaps back at all of them mostly. MAYBE a little apology would have helped, but whatever. Then we get to see his bloopers and I SO WISH they let him refer to Camila as “his little package” all season.

Previews for next week’s finale are a little weird…What’s the drama? I don’t like it when Smitty says that “all questions will be answered” at the “After the Final Rose” special. What does that mean? It might mean he doesn’t choose anyone, but then after that, he picks someone or some confusing bullshit like that. Keep it simple, Bach peeps.

Which means there are THREE hours of Bachelor next week. Holy crap.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Correction Danielle was the only one who didn't brawl when dumped. I dont like JP moren or less after last night but his DWTS auditions were all for naught it seems. I guess he can do more M&M commercial. That Muppet scene was sad. He is grasping now.

Anonymous said...

You notice that Chris Harrison didn't ask Juan Pablo whether he was happy now, blah blah blah? My guess is that he ends up with no one. Or he picks one of the remaining hoochies and they have already broken up. I hate them all. And I hate myself for continuing to watch this crap. Oy.

Husky Matt said...

Now now don't beat yourself up just tell yourself you only watch to enjoy Jen's blog like the rest of us!! Best justification ever!

I would like to thank all the posters who explained Andi's actions last week. As a dude I didn't get it but I do now. I still think it was way too much but she was upset. And good call on her being the next Bachelorette I didn't see that coming.

It was interesting that Sharleen defended JP - Jen nailed it as usual he just wasn't into those other chicks like he was with her. He may be selfish and a bit slow but he liked Shar and Andi for their brains as well as their looks. He should get a little credit for that IMHO.

Not only is JP not the one to discuss politics with, but the fantasy suite isn't exactly the venue I would choose either! She could have asked him about Venezuela and Hugo Chavez's dictatorship, that may have been interesting, but in the fantasy suite I'm pretty sure he was only focused on his "little dictator".

OK gotta go read the blog again I know there was more stuff I wanted to comment on.

You rock Jen!

BRANDON 2 said...

I must admit, I did have a bit of a man-crush on dude at the beginning of the season. Then, as the season wore on…and, his lips and “assent” wore out their welcome…he seriously lost his lustre with both Mrs. E (my wife, Elizabeth) and me. Then, after the home-town dates, I just wanted to throat-punch him for his complete douchebaggery! He was beyond awful. (Well, at a minimum the editing was beyond awful.)

(For the record, while Mrs. E has the nerve to say that I’m hooked on the show—and, my friend, Jennifer F—she says that she “really only follows along by accident…kinda like second-hand smoke.” Seriously, woman? What nerve. But, in my defense, Dana Wood (another faithful follower of yours) was with us having cocktails and can attest that E was recounting the episodes better WE could…even tho she doesn’t watch it! Whatever, you under-the-sofa-with-Jenn-closet-watcher!

Pardon me, I digress…

With that being said, he did a better-than-average job of holding his own in the WBTA episode. In fact, he definitely gained back some ground!

I agree with you about the Sucketts. Of course we know that Disney owns ABC, but I don’t want to see the damn Muppets anywhere near the smut-filled Bach show. That placement was awkward and plain awful!

Anyhoo, onto the episode. WTFF was up with Cassandra’s make-up?? It was terrible! And, she hardly had two words to say and her facial expressions absolutely got on my last nerve. What happened to Chelsie? I’m not sure that she said anything the whole show. And, Kat looked like she just walked straight out of a spray-tan booth. Frickin’ Kelly needs to just MARRY her dog! She looked plain scary! And, Lucy…JUST.SHUT.UP! Nothing that comes out of her pie-hole is relevant. She has the nerve to get all serious and talk crap about dude! She’s the biggest joke of all, Miss DanceAroundNakeyAllNaturalNoShaveHippieFreakShow!

Sharleen: So, Elizabeth (aka Mrs. I-Can’t-Believe-You-Sucked-Me-Into-Watching-This-Crap) and I have an opinion. We think that Shar is truly conservative by nature. Her weird expressions and uncomfortable reactions all along were just her being out of her element and not liking the process. She got scared of the feelings she was feeling way too quickly, so her defense mechanism was to bolt. As soon as she had time to process everything and analyze her feelings, she realized that she left prematurely and actually DID have deeper feelings for him than she wanted to admit. Every part of her being showed that she clearly wasn’t over him at all. Watching the episodes unfold…obviously, she was his fave. He hasn’t gotten nearly as deep with the others as he did with Sharleen. (I predict that no matter what happens with the show, it won’t work out and he’ll end up chasing her down!)

Andi: I think she’s full of $hit. To act like the whole overnight took a major turn for the worst after he admitted that he just came from another overnight is just crap. Any candidate who has even seen this show knows what the deal is, so for her to act like that was the icing on the cake…I call major bull$hit. I agree with you…she probably let the producers know early on that she was out, so they coaxed her to stay in it and “act along” so they could groom her for her Bach gig. (Do they really think we’re that dumb? It’s becoming too predictable. Booo on them.)

Other than that, this Most-Hyped Season Ever has gone downhill faster than an Olympic bobsled team. Talk about major complete-suckage! Yes, the ending of this is going to be interesting for sure. At this point, I think they all go home shaking their cabezas and asking WTF?? (Cue next scene of Sharleen opening her door to find him standing there, wanting her back.) (Yeah…I know…that’s a stretch.)

And, did you read that DWTS doesn’t even want JP because of how controversial his season has become? Seriously??!! Riigggghttt…and, Snooki was practically Mother Teresa in comparison.

I am still laughing about “his little package”. BAAHAHAHAHA!! Dude will NEVER live that one down. EVER. LOL!

Andrea said...

Agree with everything you wrote, Jen. Sharleen was gracious and respectful. Have you seen Lucy's video singing about JP? It's actually really clever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBGKYO6NqPc

Sarah McClellan said...

So now that the season is almost over, is feel like is can chime in on the subject of Sharleen.
Let me start by saying she was my absolute favorite!
With that being said, I don’t think that she was expecting anything to come from this show but some fun and a free vacation.
I read Reality Steve weekly and I WILL NOT expose any spoilers that are yet to come, I promise, but a little back story on why Sharleen left the show.
ABC has to keep up the pretense of her being there for the right reasons, as she was his obvious favorite, but... her leaving early was totally planned. She had a job in Germany 6 or 7 days after she left the show. She had to choose between the show and her job. The world of Opera is very competitive, and if she had flaked on that job, her reputation in the industry would have been shot, so she left saying that I just don’t feel it enough yet.
Do I think she had real feelings? Absolutely. Do I think that she regretted that she HAD to leave so early? Definately. But she chose her job over the show, which shows she is realistic also. I think this is why we all see the remorse in her expressions and why she defends him so much. She got a much deeper relationship with JP, because he WAS so intrigued by her, and he was actually curious about her. The others not so much, which is why they all noticed that he just didn’t seem to care about them.
I am not really a JP fan; I think that he is pathetic. But, she was way too good for him.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing and damnit I wish I found your blog sooner.

Beth said...

I actually like Juan Pablo a little more after watching that too. I felt like Andi was genuine with her complaints, and all the other women just jumped on the bandwagon so they wouldn't look foolish. Which made them look foolish. He's only one person, he doesn't have time to show actual interest in 25 crazy women. So he picked his 3 favorite and ignored everyone else. Whatevs.

Tania said...

Whether or not Sharleen left for work or because she wasn't into him, I still think Jen F is correct in her calculations that JP? Not the sharpest tool in the shed, whereas Sharleen is smart and sophisticated. I think ANY woman who was actually being pursued by a hottie like JP would be swept off their feet a little bit, but unlike all those other dingbats, Sharleen was smart enough to know that it wouldn't last, that he wouldn't challenge her. She was probably on the fence ANYWAY, and getting a job offer was the icing on the cake, the quintessential "sign from the universe," if you will, that leaving was the right thing to do.

As far as Andi receiving the offer and faking the whole fantasy suite thing, are we really giving her acting that much credit? I think her reasoning was completely believable, considering this really was the first time they got to be normal together like two normal people without a camera in their faces. Of course he's going to be sweet and romantic to the cameras, then his true colors came out, and she saw him for what he was.

I think he's going to choose no one. What the hell else could Clare and Nikki STILL have to cry about??? Ugh. So lame.

Mindy said...

Thought you might enjoy this original song by Free Spirit Lucy called Eess Okay.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=YBGKYO6NqPc

Sue said...

If by some chance Andi reads this blog, I would like to share some feedback for her upcoming stint as the Bachelorette:
(1) Ombre is over
(2) I know that you're a lawyer, but for the love of Pete, PLEASE stop talking so damn much. You only need to say it once. Maybe twice for the dumb people, but certainly not ten times.
(3) The word "and" is one syllable and is usually quick to say. It shouldn't take 14 seconds to say this word.
(4) Your dad needs to be there when all of the guys come out of the limo to meet you. He'll be able to weed out the losers much more quickly, and then you won't have to waste your time on them at the cocktail party. "Andi, this guy's a two-bit chump. Don't even let him in the house." "Sweetie, just kick this punk clown to the curb. He's not good enough for you." "Honey, what do you want with this stupid schmuck? Look at that tie. I made fun of that tie in 1996."

Anonymous said...

I think JP and Sharleen would be the perfect FB relationship, and I wouldn't be surprised if they connect in the near future to take care of that very strong lust! I think she needs about 48 hours with him to get it out of her system, then she can move on with no regrets. But, no way would she end up in a relationship with someone so clueless.

Katherine said...

Ha Ha, Renee surprises with a shower, sigh, so funny. Great recap, the best I've read by far (& I've read alot (kill me).

Anonymous said...

Great recap Jen, your the best!!

Katherine said...

Oh, also BRANDON, hilarious post. I enjoyed reading it as much as Jen's blog.

Anonymous said...

Loved your recap as always! I agree with you completely. JP has NO depth, emotional or intellectual. I don't think he's ever had to work on a relationship. Women fall for his looks, dump him when they figure out he's an idiot and he moves on the next one waiting in line. And I guarantee you there's a line. He never learned much about these women because he didn't care what they liked or what they were about. All he cares about is if they're infatuated enough to stroke his ego (among other things).
Couple of notes:
1) he must have had a lot of success in the past with the hair tuck... he uses it constantly. It comes across as creepy at this point, not romantic at all.
2) Clare's pout that you commented on is almost as annoying as her tongue being constantly out of her mouth. I think she practices her "sexy" look in the mirror alot.
3) Andi said it best when she said that JP just doesn't get it. I think she had some valid points, but trying to make JP understand them is like trying to talk politics with your dog. He hears you talking, but is only interested if there's going to be a treat at the end.

Anonymous said...

OMG please google chris harrison and check out the deleted scene that was recently posted today where Juan Pablo talks more about the clare/ocean. WHAT A DICK!!!!! If Clare sees this she will be livid.
chris harrison is clearly trying to keep his composure and hides his disgust at this assholes remarks . Would love to hear what you all think.

Husky Matt said...

My prediction is he picks Nikki who tells him she's not ready to get engaged. They date for a while and are already broken up. And there are no live rabbits near Clare's house.

OK that could be construed in 2 very different ways - I'm talking Fatal Attraction style.

Bethany said...

I'm dying for your recap of last night's finale!

Anonymous said...

ok, yes Dylan is handsome with beautiful eyes. But he never seems to smile, laugh, or play. perhaps its all he's been through. but how does andi know he is not just a depressed person all the time?

Anonymous said...

Marquel seems like a great guy but perhaps not the charisma needed to be the lead. Chris doesn't have charisma either and will probably be a giant bore as bachelor.