FYI - Sharleen is wearing fish bone earrings.
Sharleen begins her two-hour whine fest, complaining about the lack of “cerebral connection” between them. What a wet blanket. LOOK AT HIM! Isn’t that enough? Now you want intellectual stimulation, conversation and shit like that? Such annoying high standards. Women!
She says today is the day she should know if he should meet her family and maybe become a part of it. Well at least she’s not putting TOO much pressure on the date. My God. She needs a chill pill. That’s right, I said chill pill. It’s like1997, people.
Of COURSE she gets the yacht date. This is the date I would want. Sitting around a lot, eating and drinking on a yacht. With Juan P’s aggressive tongue in my mouth all afternoon. Mmmm. Anyway, they drive around, swim, eat dinner, whatever. The only thing to note is that they literally don’t talk about anything and all they do is make out. She goes on and on about how she has a hard time not kissing him and it’s hard to stay focused, blaaaaaah. Stay focused on what? Just ENJOY it, you self-absorbed cerebrum lady. She fucking thinks too much. Isn’t it clear he’s not going to be the most intellectual dude on the planet? But she keeps saying how happy she is when she’s with him and how sexy he is. So can’t that be enough for now?
OK I’m half kidding. Of course, with all the bashing I do about these stupid ladies who fall in love in three minutes and act like they’ll DIE if they don’t get engaged in three weeks, you’d think I’d love Sharleen. And it IS amazing that she’s smart enough to think whether she’d actually be HAPPY with him forever, and she’s smart enough not to let the competition factor get to her. She has the balls to be honest with him and herself. All good things. I just think she’s a little high and mighty about it – she thinks she’s so much better than him. And she doesn’t allow herself to just chill. She even said, “When we’re together, I’m just happy which is something I just don’t allow myself to feel very often.” SEE PEOPLE? Why isn’t she allowing herself to be happy with Juan penis is her vagine? Me don’t get that.
Anyway, they eat dinner and do more of this:
For real, Juan. Yucks. That shit is GRAPHIC. She AGAIN comments on the intense sexual chemistry and says, “It gives me great pause”. Oh fuck, calm down, horny Sally. Then she says this, which really pisses me off: “I wish I wasn’t as smart so I could just be like, duh, it’s so much simpler.” Fuck you and your big brain. I’m SORRY you can’t be dumber and just enjoy life. Geesh. (For the record, half this is a joke. She deserves major props for having the balls and brain to know he’s not right for her. I just think she’s a little high-strung. Also, hands down, she has the WORST taste in clothes I have ever seen on this show. By a landslide.)
Juan P says he has a surprise for Nikki, which turns out to be the single worst surprise in Bachelor history. Not only does Nikki have to sit through a 4 year-olds dance recital, but she has to meet Juan P’s parents and best of all – the insanely hot baby mama. She barely disguises her bummed out-ness. She’s probably all, “Yo, where’s the yacht? Fuck Camila. Please, I want to dry hump you on a boat.”
But what she actually says is, “I’m flattered. It’s not what I was expected. I’m speechless.” Then she adds on, “Wow, I wish I didn’t wear these massively slutty shorts now.”
They head to the recital and I’m not sure Camila has a future in Broadway. Just sayin’. After the recital, Camila runs to Juan P and Nikki first. If I was divorced and my daughter ran to daddy and his new whore before me, shit would hit the fan. They say hi, hang out a bit and leave.
They head to Marlins Park where she is forced to play baseball despite the fact she’s not dressed for it at all. I mean, how are her boobs not popping out of that shirt? Also, she’s so pissed she has to sweat right now.
They sit down to chat and she shows signs of intelligence by asking how she would fit into the equation – with Camila, hot baby mama, etc. It’s a valid point. If Camila is with Nikki, and acts like a little asshole, can Nikki punish her? Or is that reserved for real mom? I’m sure these things work themselves out, but props to bitch Nikki for asking. Of course, Juan P doesn’t understand the question at all.
Sharleen decides to dump Juan P. I was going to give this part it’s own section, complete with it’s own header and everything. But then I realized there’s nothing to say. She goes to Juan P’s suite, and tells him, “The idea of a proposal doesn’t seem like something that’s possible for me.” Ever. With anyone. Nobody is smart enough. NOBODY.
Juan P takes it in stride, and tells her she can’t be sorry for how she feels. He tells the camera it takes guts to be honest in this situation. She stares at his lips and tells him he smells good. Who’s the intelligent one now? Oh yeah, probably still Sharleen.
100% NOT Chris Harrison's handwriting
Renee, Andi, Clare and Chelsie take a seaplane ride with Juan P to a private island where they take turns making out with him. Again. That’s all these dates consist of – kissing, hair rubbing and very little talking. Highlights from his conversations with the girls:
Chelsie: He says, “She has a happy vibe.” Which is code for, “OMG she’s totally going home.” Renee: Oops no coverage. Must have been RIVETING.
Andi: “Waaaaaaaa, I want reassurance! Waaaaaa!”
Clare: “So I have this DVD I have to tell you about….”
He then gives a rose to Andi, which means she is guaranteed a hometown date and the other girls have to get their sandy asses back on the seaplane alone. Andi gets to spend the rest of the day/night with Juan P alone.
They apparently swim back to Miami, find a place to shower, and get dressed. Does Andi have to carry that rose around with her all night? That’s annoying. They head to a club to dance to Latin music and it’s clear she’s got NO rhythm. I don’t either, so I can’t bash it, but well yes, I can. MAN she’s bad.
The girls get home and somehow Nikki and Clare get into a fight. Thanks to crappy editing (or maybe just my crappy listening), I have no idea how it really started. Clare goes to talk to Nikki and they basically just bitch each other out. Here’s my take: Clare is certainly a little crazy. She’s insecure and a tad on the nutty side, but has good intentions. The girl just wants someone to watch the damn DVD people, and who can blame her? Nikki is a fucking bitch. OK I don’t know her and this shit is edited, but she is just bitchy.
Here’s how their fight went…and this also explains a bit about why Juan P’s lack of intelligence isn’t a problem for them:
Clare: What happened down there? Did I say something bad?
Nikki: Fuck you, I’m a bitch and I hate you.
Clare: But you can’t say that in this room. I own this hotel room.
Nikki: No you don’t. We all just rented it. My shit is in the room. And by shit, I really mean shit. Have you seen this shithole? Holy cow, I’m a pig!
Clare: I’m sorry, it’s just…See, I have this DVD….
Nikki: Did you pee on Juan P? Cause I peed on him too.
Clare: Dude, gross. Oh wait, yes I peed on him in the ocean. When I banged him. Sometimes that happens when I orgasm. It’s this issue I’m having with the muscle walls of my bladder. See the bladder is a complicated organ, when one---
Nikki: I’m still a bitch! Get out! It’s my room!
Clare: Did you pay for it?
Nikki: Well, no. Did you? Did you sleep here? I’m a BITCH!
Clare: OK I’ll leave. But I chose to leave MY hotel. I OWN this hotel.
Clare: I don’t know.
Highlights from the cock and tail party:
• Nikki says, “The last thing I want to do is hang out with my boyfriend and crazy Clare.” Ummm, your boyfriend? Sounds like someone else peed on Juan. Easy, Nikki.
• Chelsie comments that Nikki doesn’t willingly participate in conversations and that she’s very high school. Oddly, I trust Chelsie on that one.
• Nikki is way overly confident here, saying she basically already has a rose and she met his family so she’s clearly winning. Smug bitch. Shut it.
• Clare and Nikki sit together in silence and it’s awesome. It’s more entertaining than them fighting actually.
Andi already has a rose. The others go to:
-Nikki – The super bitchy, smug nurse. Hates Clare. Can’t keep a hotel room neat. Owns Loews Miami Beach.
-Clare – Owns a DVD, slightly crazy, peed on Juan P.
-Renee – Oh my poor girl. Awesome, hot, normal, sweet. Code for….will only last one more week. BOO.
Therefore, Chelsie goes home. Juan P is taking it hard. He walks her out. He’s sobbing and she says, “Really it’s no problem I had a great time its nice to meet a good guy for once if there’s a better match for you I want you to have that match you’re so wonderful good luck.”
In all honesty, she was probably the best one left (except for Renee), but she’d be too exhausting to Juan P. She doesn’t sit still and let Juan put his tongue in her mouth often enough.
Next week is a two-day Bachelor event? Good lord. Although, I admit, I’m SUPER intrigued. What goes down in the fantasy suite? What is Clare’s ugly sister all about? I kind of can’t wait. See you next week!