Who knew I would make a joke about having crabs??
Clare is excited because THIS is her love story. This is the story she will tell for generations about where her and her fiancé fell in love. Ahhh, yes, it’s the good ‘ol traditional love story. Mine is very similar, except for the part where my fiancé bangs two other women three days before we get engaged.
Then Clare jokes, “If Juan Pablo asks me to spend the night with him, it’s honestly something I’ve been going back and forth with.” She’s funny, that little skank. Ha ha, Clare, good one. She claims when they swam in the ocean (which is TV code for banged in the ocean), it made him feel uncomfortable, so she’s not sure she wants to bang him again. Oh Clare, nobody will know about it this time. It’s behind closed doors. Duh. You’re so funny, Clare. Again with the comedy.
Dammit! She gets the yacht date. They cuddle on the bow and she asks him about her family visit. He doesn’t say much and she keeps talking. She then remarks, “It’s a relief to hear him say how much he loved spending time with my family.” Umm I don’t think he said that. And THIS, my blog friends, explains everything about why Clare is the perfect match for him. She is hot for him and desperate for love. She’s also just simple enough to not really care that there is no real conversation happening or no real cerebral action going on. She just wants to hump, cuddle and talk at him. He just wants to bang her, zone out and talk back about himself, which she’s FINE with, cause she’s Clare. I actually don’t hate her – there’s just not much going on. She’s nice, I think, certainly a little annoying and needy, but these two boneheads work together.
But I do hate it when she does this pouty lip thing:
After dinner, they read the fantasy suite card and she attempts to talk to him about it. Here’s how the conversation goes:
Clare: I want to go but you got mad after we humped in the ocean.
JP: I have a daughter
Clare: I know and I respect that and I respect how you feel about Camila and I just want to tell you I respect how you feel. I still want to bang you but I just want you to know I respect. I respect. AND...I understand. I can use two different words there.
JP: It’s OK. I’m happy.
Clare: But I want to go. Ok, so let’s go. OK go.
JP: Mmmmm vagine.
So I don’t actually understand what happened there and neither do they, really. Again, it’s why these two work. Also, there is SO much food left on the table! Bring a slider back to suite, at least. That would be phenomenal after sex. Dummies.
One other thing…the sex feels so much more obvious this time. I’m sure 99% of fantasy suite dates end up humping, but they all try to spin it that they spend the night talking. This just feels super obvious. Again, Juan P with the wishy-washy action. Do you want to kiss lots of girls or no? Do you want to set an example or not? Do you want to hump in oceans or not? He can’t keep his story straight.
They try to talk on the sofa before the banging begins but again, they have nothing to say to each other, so there’s a lot of, “You’re thinking a lot. Why are you thinking so much? How dare you think! Empty that think-ball on top of your head. Stop thinking! Start humping! Mmm vagine.”
They play the sexy-time music as Clare exclaims, “He’s the man I want to have babies with!” Oh lord, lady. There is one thing that will turn off Juan P, or any dude, it’s loudly fantasizing about having babies and planning a wedding. Shut it.
Well, SHE gets the short end of the stick for this date. A seafood fiesta? Sweaty beach soccer?
They walk around town, play some drums and eat some food. The best part is when they start chatting with some little local boys, and ask if they’re hungry, and start buying them food and juice. Ummm, I don’t think they’re homeless. They’re just hanging out. I was waiting for their mom to come over and say, “Why are you feeding my fucking kids? Get the hell away from them.”
Later, Juan Pablo claims he JUST decided to take a land buggie to a waterfall, where there just HAPPENED to be a picnic blanket set up with alcohol and food. He recaps the conversation he had with her Dad and she claims how happy and excited she is…uh oh. They head off to dinner and have weird conversations about how he doesn’t really know if she’d be a good mother. Ummm, ouch? I get it, they barely know each other, but JESUS this guy needs to filter and THINK before he talks. He says, “I don’t know if you’d be a good mother. That’s why we have an overnight.” Ahhh, yes, I forgot. After they bang, he gives a mothering test. Question 1: When a baby cries and there is shit falling out the side of his diaper, do you A) go have a glass of wine B) Have sex with me really fast or C) Change it.
She’s on cloud nine, she can’t stop smiling, he thinks she’s a great woman and wife material. Aaaaand fade to the next morning…
JP: I’m so happy about Andi. We talked and laughed for hours. We get along very well. She could be the one.
Andi: Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite. The whole night was a disaster.
So here’s my take on this. After spending 12 hours locked in a room with him, she finally figured out what he’s all about, because she’s smart enough to do it. He’s about himself. Why? Because he’s hot and his ENTIRE life, people love him because he’s hot and charming. Like she said, people laugh at him no matter what he says and like him because he’s hot and nice. Nobody cares if there is anything more to him because they never needed to. He’s hot, athletic and nice. Period. Therefore, he has a completely inflated sense of self and has never had to work for much. Women fall at him. Why would he ask them about their political views? He’s never had to do so much work to land a woman. So he doesn’t know how. He’s not smart enough to figure it out on his own. So I really do think he’s a nice guy and yes, hot, too. But he’s probably pretty selfish and he’s really not smart. And he really doesn’t get what true relationships are about, since every relationship he’s had has centered on him. Honestly, this is why Clare is good for him. She doesn’t even REALIZE this is what he’s like. When she wants to talk about herself, she just does. It doesn’t dawn on her that he isn’t answering or asking questions.
Anyway, Andi says he talked about himself a lot, there was a lot of name-dropping and he didn’t ask her any questions about her. Every time she talked about her past or something, he just made it into a story about himself. She realized how selfish he is and that he doesn’t really even know her. He also made the mistake of telling her that he banged Clare and that Renee almost made it to St. Lucia instead of her. So THAT wasn’t so smart either. Andi claims it was offensive and he has no filter. True dat, girlfriend.
She says that he’s not the one…more on her later.
OMG what the fuck is she wearing? Is this a Native American costume party? Oh lord, not sexy, Nikki. That is not sexy.
Juan Pablo says, “Nikki is sexy.” Oh so maybe it is sexy and I just don’t know what the kids are wearing these days. I’m in long johns and an Oregon sweatshirt as we speak, so I suppose I’m not the best judge of hot-26-year-old fashion.
Nikki says that Juan P is funny and has sparkle. He’s also a great kisser and a great dad. So he’s a great person. Soooo, maybe she’s perfect for him too.
They ride horses, make out in the ocean after Nikki almost drowns, and kiss on the beach. He plays with her shirt tassels a bit too. They head to dinner where he yells at her for thinking. “You’re thinking a lot today.” They get the fantasy suite card and she doesn’t hesitate for a second. They head to the suite where she finally tells him she loves him. He just sort of smiles and kisses her. He says, “I can’t wait to learn more about Nikki. And her vagine.” Also, there are lots of loud bugs in St. Lucia.
Smitty talks to Juan P and asks how he feels. JP says he’s good and you can tell even Smitty hates him now. He says, “But what the fuck does that mean, you dipshit? Have some feelings! I mean, don’t you feel anything strong by now? Do you know ANYTHING about these women? Good lord!”
He watches video messages - Clare and Nikki blab on about loving him, their journey, etc, and Andi says she wants to talk to him in person. She walks up and lays into him. It’s aweeeesome. It’s awesome because I hope he learns something here. I bet she’s the first woman in the history of Juan Pablo to dump him (besides Sharleen). He gets annoyed and defensive and doesn’t REALLY understand or believe anything she says. She gets a little lawyer-y about the bickering towards the end. She should’ve just realized this fight was going nowhere, but she was so annoyed at that point, she wanted to keep laying into him. She says in the car, “He’s never going to get it”, and she’s totally right. He’ll just date yes-women. Women who worship him and don’t demand much in return.
OK Sorry, I jumped ahead. Back to the Andi chat… She tells him she’s not in love with him and he says, “That’s OK.” This pisses her off, and I totally get that. He says that he can’t force her to feel something. Ummm, that’s true, but stop being such a fucking robot. Tell her you liked her! Ask her what went wrong! Something! Geesh.
He claims English is his second language and he’s sorry for saying “It’s OK” too much. He says he respects her and appreciates her. At this point, she maybe should have just left, realizing this was a losing battle. But now she just wants to vent. I would’ve done the same thing. She goes on about how he never asked her questions about her, and didn’t care to get to know her. She yells at him for the Clare and Renee comments, and there seems to be a disagreement on the word “default”. I have to side with him here – no way he used that word. It’s much too big.
The only thing he really says besides “It’s OK”, was when he told her that she should have brought it up in the fantasy suite. I get that, but it was probably tough to realize just how annoying it was until afterwards. But yes, she could have said, “So we’ve spent the night humping and talking about soccer. Isn’t there anything you want to know about me?” But by then it would be over. You shouldn’t have to say that.
You can see that he doesn’t know what to say so he defaults to his signature move: he grabs her face to pet it and she says, “Don’t mess up my makeup.” Yup, this is over. Let’s move on.
What bothers me most is when Juan P says to the camera, “I’m only a little disappointed. The arguments disappointed me right away.” You dick. Again, why don’t you LISTEN to what she’s saying about WHY she was so mad? He was just annoyed a female had the nerve to voice her opinions. Holy crap I sound so feminist there!
For the record, Andi kind of rocks here. Yeah, she went on a little too long with it, but overall she calls him out on his stupidity and rudeness and isn’t sucked into the game here. She realized what she wanted was NOT him.
I got some shit for saying bad things about Sharleen – like just because a woman is smart doesn’t make her a bitch and shouldn’t we think she’s awesome for kicking Juan P to the curb? Again, I give Sharleen props for that, but what bothered me about SharShar was the WAY she was about it. Like she’s SO smart for him and she just sounded so superior. Andi did the same thing Sharleen did, basically, but wasn’t all douchey about how smart she is. That’s the difference to me.
In the shitty Caribbean van, Andi says he doesn’t get it, and that the language barrier is not his problem. I agree. But for being kind of dumb, the guy uses the language barrier excuse quite adeptly. She cries a little, but not about Juan P, but saying, “Am I ever going to find love?” Bitch you’re 26. Do you have any idea how young that is? CHILL.
Smitty tells the girls Andi isn’t there. Nikki looks shocked and Clare looks thrilled. I feel like Nikki is JUST on the verge of being smart enough to figure out Juan P, but Clare doesn’t care. She wants a husband. Nikki has the brainpower to at least wonder, for a split second, what must have happened for Andi to leave. It doesn’t even cross Clare’s mind.
Juan P explains Andi chose to leave because she didn’t have strong feelings for him. He neglects to tell the girls that she also thought he was a selfish asshole. He gives the roses to Nikki and Clare, who OF COURSE assep that rose.
Clare ends the episode with the insanely ridiculous comment: “I can’t wait to leave here an engaged woman. I can’t wait to find out if it’s me!” Seriously, how fucked up is this premise? But I love it. Can’t wait to see the girls bash down on Juan P in Women Tell All next week and see how this shit show ends in two weeks.