Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Bachelor Recap – It’s OK.

Juan Pablo is excited about the overnights because, “There are no cameras. I can really get to know them.” He adds, “English isn’t my first language. By “them”, I mean “their vagines”.

Who knew I would make a joke about having crabs??

Clare Date 

Clare is excited because THIS is her love story. This is the story she will tell for generations about where her and her fiancé fell in love. Ahhh, yes, it’s the good ‘ol traditional love story. Mine is very similar, except for the part where my fiancé bangs two other women three days before we get engaged.

Then Clare jokes, “If Juan Pablo asks me to spend the night with him, it’s honestly something I’ve been going back and forth with.” She’s funny, that little skank. Ha ha, Clare, good one. She claims when they swam in the ocean (which is TV code for banged in the ocean), it made him feel uncomfortable, so she’s not sure she wants to bang him again. Oh Clare, nobody will know about it this time. It’s behind closed doors. Duh. You’re so funny, Clare. Again with the comedy.

Dammit! She gets the yacht date. They cuddle on the bow and she asks him about her family visit. He doesn’t say much and she keeps talking. She then remarks, “It’s a relief to hear him say how much he loved spending time with my family.” Umm I don’t think he said that. And THIS, my blog friends, explains everything about why Clare is the perfect match for him. She is hot for him and desperate for love. She’s also just simple enough to not really care that there is no real conversation happening or no real cerebral action going on. She just wants to hump, cuddle and talk at him. He just wants to bang her, zone out and talk back about himself, which she’s FINE with, cause she’s Clare. I actually don’t hate her – there’s just not much going on. She’s nice, I think, certainly a little annoying and needy, but these two boneheads work together.

But I do hate it when she does this pouty lip thing:

After dinner, they read the fantasy suite card and she attempts to talk to him about it. Here’s how the conversation goes:

Clare: I want to go but you got mad after we humped in the ocean.
JP: I have a daughter
Clare: I know and I respect that and I respect how you feel about Camila and I just want to tell you I respect how you feel. I still want to bang you but I just want you to know I respect. I respect. AND...I understand. I can use two different words there.
JP: It’s OK. I’m happy.
Clare: But I want to go. Ok, so let’s go. OK go.
JP: Mmmmm vagine.

So I don’t actually understand what happened there and neither do they, really. Again, it’s why these two work. Also, there is SO much food left on the table! Bring a slider back to suite, at least. That would be phenomenal after sex. Dummies.

One other thing…the sex feels so much more obvious this time. I’m sure 99% of fantasy suite dates end up humping, but they all try to spin it that they spend the night talking. This just feels super obvious. Again, Juan P with the wishy-washy action. Do you want to kiss lots of girls or no? Do you want to set an example or not? Do you want to hump in oceans or not? He can’t keep his story straight.

They try to talk on the sofa before the banging begins but again, they have nothing to say to each other, so there’s a lot of, “You’re thinking a lot. Why are you thinking so much? How dare you think! Empty that think-ball on top of your head. Stop thinking! Start humping! Mmm vagine.”

They play the sexy-time music as Clare exclaims, “He’s the man I want to have babies with!” Oh lord, lady. There is one thing that will turn off Juan P, or any dude, it’s loudly fantasizing about having babies and planning a wedding. Shut it.

Andi Date 

Well, SHE gets the short end of the stick for this date. A seafood fiesta? Sweaty beach soccer?

They walk around town, play some drums and eat some food. The best part is when they start chatting with some little local boys, and ask if they’re hungry, and start buying them food and juice. Ummm, I don’t think they’re homeless. They’re just hanging out. I was waiting for their mom to come over and say, “Why are you feeding my fucking kids? Get the hell away from them.”

Later, Juan Pablo claims he JUST decided to take a land buggie to a waterfall, where there just HAPPENED to be a picnic blanket set up with alcohol and food. He recaps the conversation he had with her Dad and she claims how happy and excited she is…uh oh. They head off to dinner and have weird conversations about how he doesn’t really know if she’d be a good mother. Ummm, ouch? I get it, they barely know each other, but JESUS this guy needs to filter and THINK before he talks. He says, “I don’t know if you’d be a good mother. That’s why we have an overnight.” Ahhh, yes, I forgot. After they bang, he gives a mothering test. Question 1: When a baby cries and there is shit falling out the side of his diaper, do you A) go have a glass of wine B) Have sex with me really fast or C) Change it.

She’s on cloud nine, she can’t stop smiling, he thinks she’s a great woman and wife material. Aaaaand fade to the next morning…

JP: I’m so happy about Andi. We talked and laughed for hours. We get along very well. She could be the one.
Andi: Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite. The whole night was a disaster.

So here’s my take on this. After spending 12 hours locked in a room with him, she finally figured out what he’s all about, because she’s smart enough to do it. He’s about himself. Why? Because he’s hot and his ENTIRE life, people love him because he’s hot and charming. Like she said, people laugh at him no matter what he says and like him because he’s hot and nice. Nobody cares if there is anything more to him because they never needed to. He’s hot, athletic and nice. Period. Therefore, he has a completely inflated sense of self and has never had to work for much. Women fall at him. Why would he ask them about their political views? He’s never had to do so much work to land a woman. So he doesn’t know how. He’s not smart enough to figure it out on his own. So I really do think he’s a nice guy and yes, hot, too. But he’s probably pretty selfish and he’s really not smart. And he really doesn’t get what true relationships are about, since every relationship he’s had has centered on him. Honestly, this is why Clare is good for him. She doesn’t even REALIZE this is what he’s like. When she wants to talk about herself, she just does. It doesn’t dawn on her that he isn’t answering or asking questions.

Anyway, Andi says he talked about himself a lot, there was a lot of name-dropping and he didn’t ask her any questions about her. Every time she talked about her past or something, he just made it into a story about himself. She realized how selfish he is and that he doesn’t really even know her. He also made the mistake of telling her that he banged Clare and that Renee almost made it to St. Lucia instead of her. So THAT wasn’t so smart either. Andi claims it was offensive and he has no filter. True dat, girlfriend.

She says that he’s not the one…more on her later.

Nikki Date 

OMG what the fuck is she wearing? Is this a Native American costume party? Oh lord, not sexy, Nikki. That is not sexy.

Juan Pablo says, “Nikki is sexy.” Oh so maybe it is sexy and I just don’t know what the kids are wearing these days. I’m in long johns and an Oregon sweatshirt as we speak, so I suppose I’m not the best judge of hot-26-year-old fashion.

Nikki says that Juan P is funny and has sparkle. He’s also a great kisser and a great dad. So he’s a great person. Soooo, maybe she’s perfect for him too.

They ride horses, make out in the ocean after Nikki almost drowns, and kiss on the beach. He plays with her shirt tassels a bit too. They head to dinner where he yells at her for thinking. “You’re thinking a lot today.” They get the fantasy suite card and she doesn’t hesitate for a second. They head to the suite where she finally tells him she loves him. He just sort of smiles and kisses her. He says, “I can’t wait to learn more about Nikki. And her vagine.” Also, there are lots of loud bugs in St. Lucia.

Smitty/Andi Chat 

Smitty talks to Juan P and asks how he feels. JP says he’s good and you can tell even Smitty hates him now. He says, “But what the fuck does that mean, you dipshit? Have some feelings! I mean, don’t you feel anything strong by now? Do you know ANYTHING about these women? Good lord!”

He watches video messages - Clare and Nikki blab on about loving him, their journey, etc, and Andi says she wants to talk to him in person. She walks up and lays into him. It’s aweeeesome. It’s awesome because I hope he learns something here. I bet she’s the first woman in the history of Juan Pablo to dump him (besides Sharleen). He gets annoyed and defensive and doesn’t REALLY understand or believe anything she says. She gets a little lawyer-y about the bickering towards the end. She should’ve just realized this fight was going nowhere, but she was so annoyed at that point, she wanted to keep laying into him. She says in the car, “He’s never going to get it”, and she’s totally right. He’ll just date yes-women. Women who worship him and don’t demand much in return.

OK Sorry, I jumped ahead. Back to the Andi chat… She tells him she’s not in love with him and he says, “That’s OK.” This pisses her off, and I totally get that. He says that he can’t force her to feel something. Ummm, that’s true, but stop being such a fucking robot. Tell her you liked her! Ask her what went wrong! Something! Geesh.

He claims English is his second language and he’s sorry for saying “It’s OK” too much. He says he respects her and appreciates her. At this point, she maybe should have just left, realizing this was a losing battle. But now she just wants to vent. I would’ve done the same thing. She goes on about how he never asked her questions about her, and didn’t care to get to know her. She yells at him for the Clare and Renee comments, and there seems to be a disagreement on the word “default”. I have to side with him here – no way he used that word. It’s much too big.

The only thing he really says besides “It’s OK”, was when he told her that she should have brought it up in the fantasy suite. I get that, but it was probably tough to realize just how annoying it was until afterwards. But yes, she could have said, “So we’ve spent the night humping and talking about soccer. Isn’t there anything you want to know about me?” But by then it would be over. You shouldn’t have to say that.

You can see that he doesn’t know what to say so he defaults to his signature move: he grabs her face to pet it and she says, “Don’t mess up my makeup.” Yup, this is over. Let’s move on.

What bothers me most is when Juan P says to the camera, “I’m only a little disappointed. The arguments disappointed me right away.” You dick. Again, why don’t you LISTEN to what she’s saying about WHY she was so mad? He was just annoyed a female had the nerve to voice her opinions. Holy crap I sound so feminist there!

For the record, Andi kind of rocks here. Yeah, she went on a little too long with it, but overall she calls him out on his stupidity and rudeness and isn’t sucked into the game here. She realized what she wanted was NOT him.

I got some shit for saying bad things about Sharleen – like just because a woman is smart doesn’t make her a bitch and shouldn’t we think she’s awesome for kicking Juan P to the curb? Again, I give Sharleen props for that, but what bothered me about SharShar was the WAY she was about it. Like she’s SO smart for him and she just sounded so superior. Andi did the same thing Sharleen did, basically, but wasn’t all douchey about how smart she is. That’s the difference to me.

In the shitty Caribbean van, Andi says he doesn’t get it, and that the language barrier is not his problem. I agree. But for being kind of dumb, the guy uses the language barrier excuse quite adeptly. She cries a little, but not about Juan P, but saying, “Am I ever going to find love?” Bitch you’re 26. Do you have any idea how young that is? CHILL.

Rose Ceremony 

Smitty tells the girls Andi isn’t there. Nikki looks shocked and Clare looks thrilled. I feel like Nikki is JUST on the verge of being smart enough to figure out Juan P, but Clare doesn’t care. She wants a husband. Nikki has the brainpower to at least wonder, for a split second, what must have happened for Andi to leave. It doesn’t even cross Clare’s mind.

Juan P explains Andi chose to leave because she didn’t have strong feelings for him. He neglects to tell the girls that she also thought he was a selfish asshole. He gives the roses to Nikki and Clare, who OF COURSE assep that rose.

Clare ends the episode with the insanely ridiculous comment: “I can’t wait to leave here an engaged woman. I can’t wait to find out if it’s me!” Seriously, how fucked up is this premise? But I love it. Can’t wait to see the girls bash down on Juan P in Women Tell All next week and see how this shit show ends in two weeks.


Sue said...

You're right on once again. But can't we all tell by now that the whole Andi storyline last night (and it's definitely part of a storyline) was to pave the way for her becoming the Bachelorette? C'mon, it's obvious. The whole thing with her slamming Juan Pablo. The whole, "Am I ever going to find love?" Possibly, when you have the chance to publicly date 25 dudes soon.
Also, will somebody PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE slap Juan Pablo's hand (and face) next time he touches their hair? I swear, if that had been me, there would have been violence.

Helen Wolwyn said...

My theory:
Andi knew way earlier in the process that she had no interest in someone so obviously ill suited to her but needed to hang on to get a shot at Bachelorette. To me it seemed very 180. Falling in love to all of sudden realizing JP is as vapid as they come? Sorry, don't buy it, although I don't doubt she really felt that way, but my guess it was way earlier than overnights.

Totally agree with you and echoes what I was thinking about Clare. She really is perfect for him but I don't think JP is looking for a relationship here, certainly not marriage. Fame is more like it.

Oh and the food! These people are crazy for leaving it behind and can only put it down to not wanting to look like pigs on TV.

Andrea said...

Jen - Andi did kind of go on, but at least this once the editing was not choppy and it actually flowed. You could see how annoyed she was getting by his "ees ok",lack of depth and arrogance. Girl needed to vent! That was her chance, she'd never have the opportunity again.
AND....methinks she couldn't wait to get out of the suite so she could say what needed to be said on camera. Makes for better TV....and producers made her wait to tell him off....
Love the title of today's blog, laughed out loud.

Anonymous said...

Team Andi! I hope she's the next Bachelorette. Great reacap, as always!

Jessi said...

I loved every second of Andi tearing into him. It's about time someone called him out for all the crap. It's so obvious he took this gig to get laid, get a free vacation and get famous. Which isn't that shocking, but it's stupid none of the girls picked up on it before Andi. I think Sharleen sort of did, but she was too sad about not being able to kiss him anymore to really call him out on being a self-absorbed dummy.

Andi got a little carried away, but she was pissed and I don't really blame her.

Totally agree with you about Clare, Jen. Like she's dumb enough to marry him, birth his babies and be totally content with the fact that he's not too bright, not too interesting and not too invested. Just being there, being hot and being willing to let her fawn all over him is enough for Clare.

I don't like Clare, but to me she's obviously a better fit for him than Nikki. Nikki can't be that bright because she hasn't left like Andi did (and she thinks she knows how to raise a kid), but she's bright enough to know something must be up for Andi to have walked out. Nikki is just smart enough to be too smart for him.

Anonymous said...

I had a boner for Andi but then I had to listen to her tirade (that NEVER ended) and I'm not sure I'll ever get a boner again. Enough already, move on. I get it, eet's okay, eet's fine.

Anonymous said...

OMG, you are so right about Clare! She is perfect for him. I couldn't get past how grading she is.

Andi seemed like a whole set up to get to be the B-ette. Which fine, whatever, but it was too extreme for me. Still kinda wishing Renee was going to be it, but they aren't going to do two people with kids back to back. So go Andi.

Will be sad when the season ends, only for your commentary...

Karen Wells said...

No way Nikki didn't pop a boob riding a horse in that string thing. Love you Jen.

Anonymous said...

Totally disagree with you on Andi. There is no doubt that what changed it for her was hearing that she was either 3rd or 4th, which meant she was going to leave this week, and then when she knew she wasn't going to win she got pissed and constructed the dump. She was looking for a fight. I thought JP held it together quite well but given the promo for the next two weeks, the tide has turned against him.

Anonymous said...

Jen awesome job as usual!
I have a different take on Andi. Why did she get so defensive and pick a fight with someone she didn't see a future with? I would have been all " great, it's ok with you it's ok with me, too! See ya!" Seems to me she wanted him to stroke her ego. Not worth it in my book! Don't want someone like that as the next bachelorette!
Clare drives me crazy, she is crazy.
Nikki, well more power to her, she had the body she doesn't care what people think, she wanted to get laid, mission accomplished!

Jennifer Z said...

Seems to me he wants his women to be seen and not heard! And he was disappointed cuz Andi called him on his bull shit! Thats it and thats all. It obviously turned him right off. Which is exactly what he was trying to say. Ok a hundred times meant, "Who cares! Im not picking you anyway"! Thank god Renee didnt end up with him. This is the first time we actually got to see "the real Bachelor"! Good for her, an asshole is an asshole I guess lol. Even in the hidden form of a hot soccer player.Wonder why he has an ex wife. I'd love to know why they split. Prob same reason. How insulting can he be? I totally get it. He thinks that kind of shit is ok? Thats the problem. Geez!

Anonymous said...

Andi was pissed because at some point he told her she was third choice....then she had to manufacture some control over the situation and look like she was leaving voluntarily before she didn't get the rose. She is smarter than the rest but really, the line about him mentioning he had a sleep over with Clare being a problem, that was a little dim. Not a convincing argument, lawyer.

Helen Wolwyn said...

Yeah, the whole mentioning he had an overnight with Clare. Really was that such a big deal? I doubt he gave her a "blow by blow" account (sorry, couldn't resist!). Sounded like he just mentioned it as a matter of fact. I didn't get why that upset her. She even said something to the effect of how she obvs knew the other dates were occurring but he shouldn't have referred to them at all? Ok maybe not but c'mon, that was a little unfair.

I'm no JP fan but I did feel sorry for him and I actually thought he made the most sense in this argument than he has all season!

I also think it is in very bad taste for ABC to not be supporting their lead even though they may feel they made a mistake in picking him.

Anonymous said...

I knew this Husky- Duck truce could never last! Jen and Husky Matt are gonna have their first fight!

Andi went from almost telling him she loves him to shitting all over him in one week and she's the model of intelligence and stability. Huh? Must be a male-female thing but I don't understand her need to shit all over him. OK he's not the one for you? Fine - tell him that and leave. No really, shut. The. Fuck. Up. And . Leave already!

Why go on and on and on and on and on and try to win an argument with someone you are dumping? Just get the fuck out! And shut up! I had to fast-forward 30 min of that shit - life is too short! Does she think she's doing him a favor? Trying to change him? If she's the next bachelorette I don't think I can watch.

So Nikki is a bitch and on the rag when she defends herself after Clare follows her upstairs to pick a fight but Andi is Superwoman for engaging in a pointless argument with a dude she doesn't want to be with anymore? We're gonna have to agree to disagree on that one!

I like Nikki. She's hot, has a normal family, and is a pediatric nurse. Where are all her fellow nurses defending her? Nursing is not an easy profession. The top was unfortunate but it took femballs to wear that shit on national TV.

I think Nikki is the clearvfrontrunner and has been the whole time. Being the only one to meet JP's family is huge. The producers tried to throw us off the track by making her look bitchy early on. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

Still love you Jen! Peace!!

jenfrase said...

Oh Husky Matt. We barely disagree. I DID say that Andi went on too long. And I never called her Superwoman. She was a little annoying by the end. And Nikki was a bitch. Your a dude and blinded by her hotness. She is hot, that's true. But she was a bitch. But Clare was crazy that day too. Basically, they all suck.

Anonymous said...

Guilty as charged! and I agree with Helen 100%!

Elle said...

So - For the first time in a long time, I actually felt bad for JP.

Andi was like a dog with a bone. She went beyond making her point; that was tirade. Surely she could have distilled her grievances to a few summation statements (she can do that, can't she?) and then just left. First she berates him for basically being self absorbed. Then she's angry that he's not responding as she would have liked. flash... he's not capable of reflection, and he doesn't care. It was never going to work anyway. Just. Go. Home. Now. And more "he just doesn't get it" in the limo. Shut up. YOU don't get it.

And the nitpicking on his saying "it's okay," or whether he said the word "default" -- a word he doesn't know and can't pronounce. That came across as her just needing to score high school debate points. If she's the next bachelorette, and I am afraid that's what this whole set up was for, do we get a season of watching her verbally beat her suitors into submission? Can hardly wait.

Tania said...

I'm surprised so many people think Andi was in 3rd and on the way out....after their night together, JP said she could be his wife, which I don't think he said about Nikki or Clare.

Also, one of the things he said he liked about Sharleen was that she never tried to impress him like all the other girls did...notice how Clare, and even more so, Nikki, have been THROWING themselves at him, week after week, they want to tell him they love him, it's all about him, I like you, you're so great, etc. They don't have the self-confidence to notice how much (or in this case, how little) he is making it about them. Andi, to her credit (considering how many darn weeks we were hearing about her insecurities and all that) finally did realize that, and I think his ego couldn't handle the blow too well. I'm living in South America right now, and I could see exactly where she was coming from. Yikes, okay, I'll brace myself for the generalization criticisms.

That being said, she did drag on way too long. If you don't like him and he's not the one, get the hell out of there! Why stick around past a certain point?

Lastly (I swear, I'll be done soon), I don't really understand these "women tell all" episodes (maybe because I haven't watched many), but these bitches do realize (like that crazy hippy girl) that they were on the show sometimes for A WEEK, or two, IF THAT. In my opinion, they don't get the right to yell and bitch and criticize the poor bastard just trying to remember everyone's name.
Okay, I'm done. Great blog as usual. I always laugh out loud.

Annie said...

God I hope you are a writer as a profession, besides this of course. I literally couldn't have said it better myself every single time. You are wonderful. I've got a couple more shows I'd like you to think out loud for me???

Anonymous said...

While andi did go on too long, remember that she just slept with this guy, who is sleeping with 2 other girls, and at some point implied she was bottom of the barrel. She is doing what she can to salvage her self respect.

Anonymous said...

I just found this blog and love it! Everything you say is so true. I look forward to what you have to say after the finale :)

Dogue said...

My favorite part of your recap was - "you're thinking too much. Why are you thinking so much." That sums up JP in two sentences.

The funniest thing I read on twitter while they were showing, "Coming up next..." and the Andi drama was: I hope Andi's video says f*ck off Juan Pablo and fades to black.

are-gee said...

I just watched "The Bachelor" for the first time this season: back-to-back episodes from this past Monday and Tuesday, online. Geez oh man. Juan Pablo is a jerk. And Andi is fabulous. During the one million commercial breaks on, I read your blog posts to get up to speed.

Aubrey said...

I definitely am anxious to watch this show every week only to read your blog afterward. I've been reading it for the last few seasons and it never disappoints!

Anonymous said...

I totally agreed with you 100% on every opinion you made. He is stupid, period.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with this statement. He used the word "clarity" in a sentence. Dude just knows how to play dumb(er) when it suits him.


'there seems to be a disagreement on the word “default”. I have to side with him here – no way he used that word. It’s much too big.

Anonymous said...

Husky Matt you don't seem to have a problem with these chicks waxing poetic for weeks on end about this moron. Hell I could have seen a whole episode of her telling him off - it was the most real thing I have seen on this show and if a few minutes of getting laid into (instead of laid is so bad then he can "Just get the fuck out!"


Elle said...

I don't think JP plays "dumb." He is only conversant in English (on a good day) but a far cry from fluent. For words that share latin roots, it's not a big leap to get to the English translation.
"Clarity," for example, is "claridad" in Spanish. I will give him credit for figuring that one out. I've been in that situation - immersed in another culture and speaking a language that I was merely conversant in. People may have thought I was dumb because I didn't use complex sentence structure or advanced vocabulary. I am not defending his character. I do think he's being judged a little unfairly for his limited English-communication skills.

Anonymous said...

Default is a common term in sports. I am not buying that explanation he didn't ask and I what it mean either. He is just playing the public like he plays women. That is what I honestly think.


Anonymous said...

What is the word for pervert in Spanish? See what I mean...