So we dive right in this week, with Nikki (that’s what he said). We start in Kansas City with Nikki’s date because it’s painfully boring so the producers wanted to get that one out of the way.
Nikki says Juan Pablo is so fun and she wants to make sure he’s a bit of a cowboy. Riiiight, JUAN PABLO, the cowboy. Juan Pablo. Doesn’t scream cowboy, no?
She takes him to a barbecue rib joint where he devours his meat with such force I almost get nauseous. I mean, I know ribs are hard to eat in an attractive way, but good lord – it’s like he hasn’t eaten in weeks.
She takes him to ride a mechanical bull and she says its hot watching him. Mmmm, I disagree. Then they decide to ride the bull together…cause THAT seems safe. And my god, just a tad gratuitous. They fall off together – GET OFF THAT MAT. DO NOT MAKE OUT ON THAT MAT. There is sweat, sperm and vomit down there, I’m sure of it. Where is the hand sanitizer? WHERE IS IT.
They head over to Nikki’s parents house where they seem like good ‘ol, normal, middle America peeps, complete with the same ugly leather couch that everyone on this show seems to have. Mom, Dad, two brothers, a wife, etc. Dad toasts Juan Pablo and I want to give him a snuggle. He seems nice.
Nikki tells mom that she’s in love with him and that she would say yes if he proposed. Mom doesn’t seem entiiiiiiirely thrilled but says she’ll always support her. This is where I wonder how my parenting will be…when my daughter comes home and tells me this news, I really want to believe that I will be calm and trust her judgment and tell her I will always support her. But I also know me…And I have a feeling that’s what I will WANT to say, but it will come out more like this: “You crazy whore, get your mind off his large penis and think straight! You are smarter than to think this fuck machine is a match for you! Stop thinking with your vagina! Stop it!” And then I’d pass out.
Juan P sits with dad. When Juannie asks him if he’d accept him into his family, he says, “We trust Nikki to make that decision and if she does, we’d welcome you into our family.” This is all too fucking normal for me. Let’s move on.
One more thing. When Nikki sits with her Dad, he asks her about becoming a step mom and entering a blended family. She says, “I’ve thought about that and I don’t think I’m in for any surprises.” UMMMMMM, any moms out there want to weigh in on Nikki’s delusions? You have NO clue how having a kid changes your life, NIKKI, and I think it would be especially hard to inherit someone else’s kid. You know why? Because kids are annoying. You love your own kids, but kids that don’t belong to you are always irritating.
Andi Hometown Date
Ohhhhh, SOMEONE got a brand new ombre hair color job since arriving back in Atlanta. Andi takes him to shoot guns. Seriously, it’s déjà vu. Same shit on these hometown dates, I swear. Always a gun somewhere. Always a leather couch. Always a rude Dad. Always an ugly sister (Except with Andi – her sister is cute. But talk to me again when we get to Sacramento).
After the gun segment, they head home to meet Andi’s dad, sister and her husband. Andi’s dad is pretty much a dick. I get that he’s a protective Dad and that this show is a joke and that there is a guy in his house who is banging his daughter, along with three other whores, but….wait, I forget where I was going with that. Of course it makes sense for him to be a dick.
But really, he pushes the asshole-ness a little far. For example, dad says, “We’ve been married 30 years and have two wonderful daughters, a good son-in-law… and a visitor.” Yes, I laughed of course, but kind of dick. If he trusts his brilliant daughter, he must know she’ll figure him out and not marry the guy. I mean, has he not seen the previews?
Andi’s mom is easier to win over, because Juan Pablo dances with her. That woman is married to HY, for god’s sake. She must have had an orgasm right then and there! Even Andi says, “My mom danced with him, so maybe she got an insight into how I’m feeling.” This is wrong on so many levels.
Of course, Juan P talks to Hy and things don’t go well. He says, “The person who is good enough for Andi will come to me and say there is no one else in the world for me. WHEN and IF that happens we’ll have that discussion.” Again, I get it. He’s got a point, but chill out. Also, at this point, I wonder how close Juan P is to quitting this whole fucking shit show.
Andi ends the date by saying, “I’m very close to being in love with him. I feel like I COULD be falling in love.” Riiiight. And I FEEL like I could win the lottery. I’m VERY CLOSE to competing in the 2016 Summer Games in Rio.
Renee Hometown Date
Juan P heads to Sarasota, Florida for Renee’s date. I feel like he already knew he wasn’t going to choose her so he probably shouldn’t have met Ben. Amiright? I don’t know. Anyway, poor Renee hasn’t seen her son in two months, which is bananas. She hugs him, introduces him to Juan P and they chat. They head to his Little League game and I can’t help but think about what all the other parents think about this random mom bringing Bachelor cameras and a hot Venezuelan dude to Ben’s game.
They head to Renee’s parents house afterwards to meet her mom, dad and brother. They are all super nice and chill, which only reinforces MY desire to marry Renee. I DO wish she had showered today though.
Brother is normal, dad says Renee is glowing, mom says….oh forget it. It’s all super boring, but they’re great people. With a leather couch.
Renee says goodbye to Juan P and there is a lot of face rubbing on his part.
Clare Hometown Date
Juan P starts by saying, “When I’m with Clare I feel good…so does my penis.” No he didn’t say that. They head to a rose garden where Clare tells LOTS of sad stories about her dead dad, and I fucking cry JUST a little. The bit about throwing the rock? The wedding dance? I mean, my god, the man was a saint.
Clare asks if he’s nervous about meeting her family and he responds, “I can’t wait to see why you are the way you are.” The guy just needs to stop….think….and THEN speak. I get some of this is lost in translation but some of it is just stupidity.
Ummm, why didn't we get to see this?
Clare is the youngest of six girls, and as you know, Dad died, so there is just mom. That is a LOT of fucking women to deal with. I mean, A LOT. And some of them suck, so this was probably an exhausting, horrible night.
Sister Malcolm looks the most normal. Maybe it was Madeline? I really wish it were Malcolm though. Anyway, she’s married and calm, and seems like a voice of reason. She tells us Clare has a “tender heart”, which is obviously the term Clare’s doctor recommended they use when referring to Clare’s craziness. I also think sister Lisa is really sweet, although she pets that cat (dog?) in a very sad, slow way.
Clare sits with her mom and sister Lara (Laura? Fuck I don’t care). And Lara has a bit of a chip on her shoulder. Why is she calling the mom, “Mama”? Are we in 1920’s Amish country? She asks her mom if she’d give them her blessing if they decide to get married and Lara gets crazy pants, saying she’s trying to manipulate Mama. My only question here is…what the fuck is wrong with Mama? If I were Mama, I’d say, “Lara, chill the fuck out and sit down. Clare is just talking. Plus you KNOW what the doctor said, REMEMBER? We let Clare talk, smile like it’s normal, and THEN medicate her coffee when she’s not looking.” But really, why isn’t her mom talking?
Clare goes inside to cry to another sister. Mama and Juan P try to chat but Lara insists on going with them. Oh lord, it’s falling apart. Can you imagine the holidays with this crew? Run Juan P, Run!
So that’s about it. Clare is certainly crazy but I don’t think it’s in a “I am evil and want to kill you” sort of way. It’s just a serious desperation to be loved, to replace the love of her dad and to get the hell away from that gaggle of women. How’s THAT for an undergraduate psychology degree?
Seriously, the most predictable rose ceremony of all time. He gives roses to Clare, Nikki and Andi. Poor Renee gets sent home and handles it like a champ. She cries a little but doesn’t badger him about his reasons. She acknowledges that it sucks, but says she can’t force him to feel something for her. She says he opened her eyes to the fact that nice guys exist. I can’t help but think she’s planting the seed to be the next Bachelorette. PLEASE do it, Bachelor peeps! I fear it won’t happen because she’s not exciting enough (read: dramatic), but that would be great for my love, Renee.
Tonight is the fantasy suite debacle. I’m pretty sure they give away 95% of it in the previews, but hell, I’ll still watch. See you tomorrow!