Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor Recap - Nikki's on the rag

Juan P doesn’t look all that sad to leave Camila to bang chicks in Seoul, am I right?

Smitty tells the gals they’re heading to Seoul and they freak. I’m sure they’re excited but I know most are bummed it’s not Fiji. Or is that just me? Two group dates and one 1-on-1 date this week. In Seoul. Also, that group sticks out like a sore thumb in Seoul. Wow.

Group Date One 

The first group date is for Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat and Nikki. We learn pretty quickly that Nikki is on her period. What a crankster, geesh.

They meet up with Juan P and are told they get to meet 21, Korea’s biggest pop stars. Juan says, “They’re as big as the Spice Girls in America.” Ummm, does he mean Spice Girls in 1996 or current-day Spice Girls? There’s a difference, just sayin’.

In a nutshell - They meet the girls of 21, learn their dance, get dressed up in wacky clothes and perform with them on stage (at a mall concert). I know Kat is a dancer but she looks odd. It’s not super hot looking…just odd. Maybe I’ve been watching too much “So You Think You Can Dance” and my standards are too high? I can tell she’s been taught, obviously, but there’s something off. Dancers, weigh in here.

Nikki is Piss Pants McGraw. I mean, shut up, you super wet blanket. I get it – it would suck to be there and be the worst dancer. It would suck to have to dress up like an asshole and dance in front of lots of people. But just say you’re not a great dancer, but pretend to have fun. Haven’t you figured out that The Bachelor is all about pretending to be something you’re not? So work on that.

They head to the Korea Furniture Museum (naturally), for their after-party. Kat says there is more than just some good dance moves in her repertoire, so she hits Juan P with a good ol’ alcoholic parent story. Yikes! She spills all about her Dad’s seven DUI’s and how he never paid child support. But hey, her mom was great and totally made lemonade out of lemons. Yeeeeeah, I’m pretty sure those aren’t the words her mom would have used to describe the situation. Just a hunch.

Everyone comments how negative Nikki is and yup, I can see that. I blame the fact she has to work with kids all day…Nikki and Juan P talk and of course, she sounds much more normal and happier with him. She says she’s shy (say what?). When asked how she feels about kids and Camila, she says it’s something she’s ready to take on because she’s really good at changing diapers. Ummm, Camila is four. But thanks.

Juan P gives Nikki the rose and she is STOKED – see photo. She says she has butterflies and hopes this feeling lasts forever. Honestly, people, I can’t repeat myself again, but can someone out there edit America’s sex ed curriculum to cover this? YOU DON’T HAVE BUTTERFLIES FOREVER. Try to base your marriage decision on something else, pleeeease.

"I'm getting the rose. Suck it, Clare!"

Sharleen Date 

Intern! We haven’t had enough footage of naked Juan Pablo in the shower. Go make it happen!

Juan Pablo picks Sharleen up at the hotel and she’s wearing something totally inexplicable. Black shorts, I think, with black pantyhose (you heard me) and black chunky heels, JUST like the ones I borrowed from my college roommate in 1996 when I wanted to look SUPER cool. Anyway, they walk around a market and Sharleen says, “I feel like we’re on vacation together and we’re walking through a market.” Yeeeees, correct, that’s what you’re doing. They have tea where Sharleen explains to Juan P that he is not bland, like interesting food. What the fuck is happening here?

Sharleen is starting to fall for him, just like all the other lady drones. Ahhh, I don’t blame them. I might too. I’m not saying I’m dumb enough to marry the guy, but at 25, I would have been all over that shit. And maybe also at 38.

He sticks her in a courtyard and makes her sing opera, and Sharleen acts like she just gave him a blowjob. She’s flabbergasted they went this far on their first real date! Good lord, what is she going to do when he tries to stick it in her in two weeks?

They head to dinner where they chat about, I don’t know. Stuff. He then asks her how many kids she wants…insert record scratch. She says she’s never thought about kids…so she never said she didn’t want any kids but the Bachelor producers want to play up this whole thing. Stupid. She gets the rose.

Group Date Two 

Group date two is for Clare, Andi, Renee, Aliison, Lauren and Kelly. Did the dog not make it to Seoul?

They head out to explore the weird shit in Seoul and start with karaoke in a whorehouse. At least that’s what it looks like. They just all bounce up and down a lot. Then they take out paddleboats. Then they head to world famous “Dr. Fish Zone”. They stick their feet in the water and a whole bunch of disgusting little fish eat the dead skin off your feet. I almost can’t think of anything more nauseating. I’m certain I would freak out.

Clare begins to panic that she’s falling into the background and begins to show her crazy. This continues all night and unfortunately, I fear she’s a bit nutso. I liked her, but not anymore. I think she’s a bit too craze-balls. When Juan P makes everyone eat octopus, she enjoys squealing and being the center of attention. She’s bananas insecure. So unattractive, people.

They head to the after-party where Juan P claims he’s not going to kiss anybody tonight because he’s already kissed a lot and he doesn’t want his daughter to see that. Ummm, you were on the BACHELOR. You’re going to have a LOT to discuss regardless. He talks to Renee and Andi, and he doesn’t kiss them. They’re also normal. Have I mentioned this week how much I dig Renee? She’s so cute and normal. I want my husband to bring her home and be my sister wife.

Lauren. Oh Lauren…so much to discuss. First off, you need some bangs. Second, why why why why why did you try to kiss him? She throws herself on him so aggressively that the cameras almost miss it. Jesus lady. I guess it’s fine for a girl to make the first move, but…well, maybe it’s not. Just don’t bother – if he wants to kiss you, he would. But again, she was so obsessed with getting some reassurance for her insecure ass, that she does crazy things. (Yes, I was totally under my sofa by the way). I’m adding an insecurity section to my Bachelor class.

Juan P mentions that Lauren is upset and he feels horrible. He adds, “I’m also completely turned off.”

Not much else to add - Dog Girl Kelly is a total bitch and Clare is still crazy insecure. He gives the rose to Andi, which almost sends Lauren and Clare into a tailspin.

Cocktail Party 

Cocktail party highlights:

• Clare licks her lips a lot?
 • Nikki interrupts Clare and Juan P and the girls are pissed since she already has a rose. I mean, in 25 seasons, how many times have we seen this? Fast forward, TiVo.
• Clare tells Nikki that she’s rubbing people the wrong way because she’s one way around Juan P and another way arou...fuck it, you guys don’t care. Basically, a lot of catty shit.

Rose Ceremony 

Nikki, Sharleen and Andi have roses. The others go to:

Renee – my future lesbian wife.
Chelsie – normal-ish, but mental age is only about 17. Or 7.
Kelly – dog girl who turns out to be quite a bitch. But hey, she has her face on!
Danielle – who? Does she speak? She’s going home next week. I bet my rose on it.
Cassandra – soooo meek. But nice, I suppose. And holy shit so young.
Allison – who? She’s in the Vietnam airport limo next week with Danielle.
Clare – coming apart slowly at the seams. Nice gal, but it’s all unraveling people.
Kat – dancer who looked a little too spazzy. Kind of arrogant. Mother makes lemonade.

Which means Elise and Lauren head home. Elise is bummed and does an ugly cry. And what the hell is this about?

I'm not just talking about her outfit (although that too), but why are we all just watching her walk away?

Lauren just keeps saying, “Why did I DO that the other night?” I don’t know if she’s referring to trying to kiss him or greeting him on a piano bike.

Juan P tells the girls that they’re heading to Vietnam next week. Also, blog friends, I’m going to Mexico with nine of my best friends and no kids, so that’s where I’ll be next Monday. I’m not sure if the Bachelor is on in Cabo or if I’ll be too drunk to watch it anyway. And I’m not sure how awesome the Internet access is to watch it online the next day. So basically don’t be shocked if you don’t hear from me at all, or if the post is late, or if the post is on time but only contains drunken gibberish. Thanks for understanding but Mama gets a vacation. If you want to follow some of the Mexican debauchery, follow me on Instagram: jenfrase


Anonymous said...

Jen you're hilarious! I like Renee and Andi but thing there is no way he will pick them in the end. Sharleen is just uneven. I can't put my finger on her.

greg bauch said...

Please take a bow for that recap title.

Anonymous said...

Enjoy your vacation!! But when you get back you gotta write your blog please!! I've reached that point where I only watch the Bachelor to know what exactly I'm laughing about when I read your blog :)

Tania said...

And just when I thought your recaps couldn't get any better, you tell us you'll be drunk in Mexico! I can't wait to read THAT recap....pure gold, that one will be.

Have a great time! Have so much fun, and be safe. (I know, not what you want to hear, but someone has to say it).

Oh, and p.s. dog girl? Really? I think that's just so she can keep saying inappropriate things to the camera because she just doesn't give a f**k.

MissyL said...

Oh my gosh, I hope you have so much fun in Mexico!
They are totally downplaying Renee, so that makes me think she's about to be a front runner. Sorry Juans going to steal her away from you.

Shefontaine said...

I love you wanting Renee as your sister wife! Have fun in Mexico and please blog drunk.

Anonymous said...

Dog girl: "Clare only ate a tiny piece of octopus and you KNOW she's swallowed bigger things than that before"

StyleConcierge said...

BEST recap to date!!! You're sister wife is pretty cool.

amylou said...

Did anyone notice Cassandra's awful group date dance moves? As a "former NBA dancer" um she sucks. I think she's a liar.

amylou said...

Did anyone notice Cassandra's awful group date dance moves? As a "former NBA dancer" she sucks. I think she's a liar.

andrea said...

I didn't think Kat was too bad of a dancer, she was just trying too hard. (Dancer here) The worst was Nikki who looked like Elaine Bennis.
SOOOO jealous you're going to Cabo. You just have to copy Jennifer Aniston, hun?
Rave on, Jen!

Tori said...

Yeah, Kat's not a great dancer. She might be fine if given choreography, but left to her own devices, shit gets weird. She's trying SO hard. She and Clare should have a two on one date just to see how far they'll go to get attention. It would just be a giant shame spiral, I'm guessing.

Meredith from Penelope Loves Lists said...

Crying laughing. Favorite line? "Not sure if she means trying to kiss him or greeting him on a piano bike".

Just, crying.

You should not be allowed out of the country if you're not going to promise recaps. Because I love these recaps with a Clare-like passion.

Blythe said...

I like how Cassandra calls him Won, as in won ton. Did anyone else notice the Asian gong/drum/flute music during the rose ceremony? Loved it, but would have been better if Smitty was hitting the gong.

TrueBlissPhotography said...

I really hate that he keeps saying he doesn't want his daughter to see him kissing all these women…if his daughter is watching The Bachelor than we got bigger fish to fry here. This dude needs to grow a set and honestly say…I just didn't want to kiss you…but I want to kiss all these other dumb broads. Quit using your kid as the excuse.

Anonymous said...

Jen, will you uhsep this rose for another fine blog entry?

Anonymous said...

As usual, I loved your blog.

My favorite part of the episode was Clare telling JP that she threw up in her mouth and swallowed it when eating the octopus. Suuuuuuper sexy!

But... then he kissed her. So what do I know!

Anonymous said...

Pretty pretty please do a recap when you return! This Monday was too much of a hot-mess to miss a recap!

Anonymous said...

I'm going through withdrawals missing your recap from this week. What a train wreck! I hope you had a great time on vacation, but it sure will be nice to have you back!