I mean….whaaaat? I mean….where do I start? I feel like a kid walking into Chuck E Cheese – there’s just too much to do. I have no clue where to start. I’ll never be able to give this shit show the justice it’s due.
Dallas for Zak’s Date
When Zak warns Desiree about his family, I know we’re in for a ride here. I have high hopes. They don’t disappoint.
But first we take the family snow cone truck out for a ride. I mean….come on, Zak. Maybe we hide the embarrassing family business until we’re sure Desiree is super in love. Desiree is a good sport and says, “A future with Zak would be new every single day. I would never know what I’m going to get.” How in God’s name does that sound fun? Desiree wakes up to go to work and Zak is dressed in a circus trapeze outfit? The next day he coordinates a flash mob? Sounds manic and scary. Get a job, come home, take your ipad shit, make money, be an adult. Holy shit, that does sound boring.
They head to a school to feed a bunch of little assholes some snowcones, which MIGHT be my least favorite date of all time. Right next to the “culture” date when they’re in a foreign country. If the snow cone bus wasn’t the nail in Zak’s coffin, the penguin costume certainly was. That’s a move that a chick would find endearing when her husband does it…maybe. But it’s a major turnoff while you’re dating. Make sense?
They head into Zak’s parents house and the “energy was amazing!”, which is another way of saying, “these people are fucking crazy. They’re sweet but this shit would be exhausting after one Thanksgiving.”
Other than this exhausting energy, I find these people to be awesome. First of all, they’re all easy to look at. Sister is especially hot and I’m oddly attracted to his father. Mom could use a new hairstyle, but that’s forgivable. I love that they think Zak is a total douche bag for coming in shirtless and saying, “Will you accept these abs?” which I had actually forgotten about.
The rest of the date goes downhill. I already assume Desiree is going to dump Zak so when Mom starts gushing about how awesome they are and how amazing they are together, I begin to feel bad. Yes, even I have a heart, people. This shit is sad – sister says she’s never seen Zak so happy and she hopes he doesn’t get hurt. Oh noooooo.
But then I’m distracted by the song. It’s sweet, but I can’t help but feel these three want to be singers and are using this exposure to get a record deal. No that can’t be true – they’re really not good. Their voices are…not great. I can’t sing for shit, so I’m not super qualified to judge, but I know enough to know they sound a little off-key and….well, shitty.
Before she escapes, Zak gives her a friggin ring he bought her in Atlantic City and then tells her that he loves her. The ring is a little over-kill, but the “I love you” was cute. I admit.
Scottsdale for Drew’s Date
This is a fucking disaster of a date. First of all, they pick up the mentally handicapped sister. This shit is shameless. Do we need to do that to her? Admittedly, I don’t have experience with mentally handicapped people, but throwing them on a reality show feels mean...and just wrong. It’s really heart wrenching to watch her with Drew.
What car is that? Please say it’s a rental.
They head to his mom’s house, where Desiree is told she will be meeting his Mom, Dad, sister, another sister, brother, brother in law, two babies, a new husband, an uncle, a cousin, a priest, a circus performer and a dead hooker. I mean, really, do ALL these people need to be there? (Wait until Brooks’ Mormon date. Wow.)
Drew’s dad asks Desiree if she’s ever met an angel. She says no. He says that sister Melissa is an angel. To which Desiree replies, “Ummm, yes I meant to say that yes, I’ve met an angel and it was your daughter. Of course.” Way to set her up to get the answer wrong. Dick.
Dad talks to Drew and it’s super cute, too. He says, “If you want to marry this girl, go for it, pal. Bring this girl back into the family, will ya?” And then adds, “I sense you might have to do it by force, but hey, po-tay-to, po-tat-o.”
Drew’s I love you, by the garage, is cringe-worthy. It’s SO cheesy. Also, he’s super gay.
Somewhere in Oregon for Chris’ Date
Chris dons his Oregon plaid for his hometown date, which is how I dressed for a good portion of my collegiate career as well. Go Ducks!
Anyway, he takes her to a baseball field and makes her run bases and hit balls, just so HE can show her that he’s athletic and shit. Lame. She sits next to him on a box while tossing him balls to hit, and she is sitting WAY too close. I mean, what if he clocks her in the face with a bat? Good lord.
Meeting his family is…interesting. Desiree tells them how she fell off a rock when she was on a date with Chris. WHY DIDN’T WE SEE THAT?!? Anyway, Chris’ inappropriate father decides that it’s a good time to fix her back, by laying his son’s girlfriend ass up on a table and feeling her up. And breaking her a little. It’s just all not OK. Does he not see this?
When Chris’ dad talks to Chris, it’s even weirder. He asks Chris if she takes care of herself, healthwise. What the fuck? Sure, I get health is important, but shouldn’t you be more focused on how these two feel about each other? What a freaky dude. Seriously, I have oogly feelings about him.
And now…the piece de resistance. The nose adjustment. This is one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever seen. I literally screamed. That looks terrifying. And completely disgusting. What freaks me out the most is the fact that Chris thinks it’s acceptable for him to do that on TV. If I were Des, I’d be running back to Zak’s family.
Mom talks to Desiree and then Chris, and she doesn’t seem super stoked on this entire situation. She doesn’t really smile at all and doesn’t look too pleased, but I think she’s just one of those women who looks kind of sad or pissy all the time. Eventually, she sort of gives Chris her blessing, but it’s all still weird. This is all giving me the creeps. All of a sudden, the snow cone truck looks more acceptable.
Salt Lake City for Brooks Date
Salt Lake City? Is he Mormon? Well yes, this fact becomes clear in about ten minutes.
Before he takes her home, they have a picnic and then canoe around a lake. Brooks still sounds like he’s unsure of how he feels about her and tells her he wishes they had more time to explore their relationship. He’s sooooo gonna dump her.
He says to the camera, “Desiree and I are on the same page of how we feel about each other.” Ummm, no you’re not. She worships the ground you walk on and you’re about to dump her ass. Not the same page. No.
Brooks’ family is ginormous. So yes, they’re Mormon. At the dinner table, I think I count 15 people, which is just his mom, dad, siblings and their husbands. I mean, whoa. That’s a lot of activity. They seem funny though, which I dig, and I appreciate they’re smart enough to wear nametags.
There is a lot of chatter about how he feels – can she hang with him, can he make her happy, blah blah blah. This is exhausting. Then he sits down with…his sister? I think? He asks her how he would know if she’s the one (more or less). She says, “You always want to be with that person, and you can’t think of anyone else who makes you laugh that hard.” What a bitch. Way to set him up for failure. Those are ridiculous, unattainable qualities. I am in love with my husband…but I do NOT want to be with him all the time. Are you kidding me? And I have a few hilarious friends that make me laugh just as hard as my husband. I didn’t marry him for knock-knock joke ability. For fucks’ sake. It’s more realistic to say, “You should love her a whole lot, want to protect her and really enjoy your time together.” Better, right?
Brooks asks his sweet Mom for advice and she’s normal, saying they’ll all love whomever he brings into the family. I dig that – much more normal. As she’s leaving, one of the brothers yells out, “Thanks for not being a huge waste of time.” So where can I get his number?
Back in LA
Her asshole brother comes to see her and they have an awkward discussion about the guys. It’s clear he doesn’t give a shit about learning about these guys. And again, I’m so annoyed with Desiree for not giving it to him. She needs to say, “Look, you were an asshole to Sean and completely out of line. Unless you promise not to be a fucking dickwad, I will not introduce you to these guys. Got it?” But instead she sort of waffles around him, describes the guys and he then tells her that he doesn’t have any problems with this situation. Oh gee THANKS dickhead. Side note – can you imagine him with Drew? He’d eat him ALIVE.
Desiree chats with Smitty and again tells him she’s in love with Brooks, and that she’s hopeful for a proposal. From him. It can’t be any clearer that he dumps her.
She gives the three roses to Brooks, Chris and Drew. Therefore, poor Zak is sent home and it’s friggin SAD. She walks him out and tries to explain to him why she dumped him. It went something like this: “You’re so loving and great. I don’t want you to lose that. I had to weight people. I’m not going to be exactly where you are. You deserve it. You know that ring. Beautiful, snurrgle, blahhhhhh, harrump. Zing poop.” I seriously couldn’t understand 10% of what she said.
In the limo, he’s super sad, saying he’s spent way too many years alone. This shit is heartbreaking. Next Bachelor perhaps?
Oddly, next week is the Men Tell All – doesn’t that usually happen when there are only two guys left? Hmmm. See you next week, peeps.