We start this very long two hours with Desiree and Smitty crashing some viewing parties. I’m 99% sure these people know they’re coming. Why else would there be 250 people in each house, FULLY dressed up and in full makeup? With roses on the table and a complete buffet? If I sent out an email to my friends asking them to come over for a viewing party, I’d probably get four takers, and that’s only if I offered them dinner and free drinks. If I said Smitty was coming with ABC cameras, I’d get 150 people too.
I do appreciate there is a lot of alcohol at these parties, though. Anyway, Desiree and Smitty crash one party and the friggin Mesnicks show up? As in Jason and Molly? And a baby? Where the hell is Thai? Then out of the blue, Trista pops her head around the corner. What the fuck is she doing there? Shouldn’t she be at an AARP meeting? Kiiiiiiding. I love that she’s only three years older than me but I feel like she’s fifteen years older.
There’s a party bus? Who rented that? Is the Mesnicks baby on there?
I hate hate hate that Desiree was forced to sit with Ali, Emily and Ashley to discuss how she should act on the Men Tell All special. Emily is hot as usual, but snoozy. Ashley doesn’t say a WORD. And Ali is very opinionated on the whole “bad boy” topic. She’s also a touch heavy on the blush.
Smitty introduces the men and Juan Pablo gets the biggest cheers. Duh. I’ll just get this out of the way: I really, really, really want him naked on top of me. I think it would be great fun.
James is HEAVY on the self-tanner. My God.
There is a recap of the drama with the guys, and I love that Drew talks about James and says, “He won’t be America’s next bachelor but he will be America’s next big giant asshole.” I mean….that’s awesome. Where’s THAT Drew with Desiree? The Desiree-Drew is a face caresser and has hard hair. I like that guy better.
We briefly let Jonathan apologize – the guy who kept trying to take Desiree up to the fantasy suite on the first night. He says he’s sorry to the people who had to view that. Why are you apologizing to me? I liked it. Who doesn’t like watching someone crash and burn so royally on night one? Amazing! We should be thanking you.
Ben in the Hot Seat
I can’t even write about this, I’m so over it. He’s skeevy, kind of a douche bag and Desiree says it best – he’s insincere and you can’t tell who the fuck he really is. End of story. Except they play a recap of his drama in the house and I’m reminded of two AWFUL things: One—that girly tank top. Two – he’s a chin grabber when he kisses you. Get your goddamn hands off my face.
I like when Ben left that he asks, “When can I be seen in public again?” Umm, does he mean, when can I be seen in public with a girl? Because I’m pretty sure you can go out in public ASAP. It’s not like we are all wondering if Desiree killed you.
Here are the next twenty minutes: Your baby mama hates you, you suck as a father, Michael still thinks you’re guilty of fraud, everyone in the audience is overly horrified and I’ve decided to almost stop listening completely and eat ice cream.
Let’s take a second to make Juan Pablo look even better: Zak says Juan Pablo brought up his daughter in every conversation. We get it, already. He’s PERFECT.
It’s also funny that for every single commercial break, Smitty advertises the fact that there are bloopers later. Everyone loves those, so it’s almost as if Smitty knows it’s the only thing holding us onto this show. Side note: Why the hell didn’t we talk to Bryden? Me love Bryden.
James in the Hot Seat (why is it hot?)
Could he be any wider? He looks like such a meathead. I actually find him remotely attractive, except for his body.
This shit with James is ridiculous. It goes on WAY too long. WAY WAY. Here’s the recap: All the guys hate him, especially Kasey. James claims he didn’t do anything wrong by saying he’ll have a good chance at being the next Bachelor if he makes it to the final four. We finally get to talk to Mikey who actually has the best excuse for this shit. He says that the two guys were just chatting, and they said if it doesn’t work out for either of them with Desiree, they’re both in Chicago and they should hang out. And party. In boats. With successful women. Life goes on.
Mikey somehow gets pissed at Kasey and says, “I’m a player on Us Weekly all of a sudden because of you.” Umm, no you’re not. That shit is my bible and I’m pretty sure you’ve never even been mentioned. So sit down, mob plumber.
Juan Pablo sums it up nicely by saying he wouldn’t let his daughter date James. Umm, she’s four so I certainly hope not.
Smitty asks him if he’d agree to be the next Bachelor and he says he’d have to talk to family about it, but he’d like to find love. Can someone tell him there is NO WAY he’d ever be picked for that so he doesn’t need to sell himself as sincere anymore? I mean, is he not paying attention to Juan Pablo?
Speaking of Juan Pablo, we get to see a recap of his very-little airtime. They certainly included crap we hadn’t seen before, including the fact he told Desiree he had a little girl on the first night. Desiree says, in a horrible Spaniard accent: “Come to me, Juan Pablo.” SO WHY DID YOU LET HIM GO. Dumbass.
Smitty sets him up perfectly to be the next Bachelor by saying, “What are you looking for?” and “Do you date a lot?” To which Juan Pab answers perfectly. I think all this attention on him is a test for the producers to see if he sounds normal when he talks and can pull this off. If so, he’ll certainly be next Bach.
Juan P says he just wants to find someone special, have a family, wake up with them, enjoy many years together, watch movies, etc. He can watch movies with me anytime. In my pants. What?
Zak in the Hot Seat
I don’t remember anything from his time in the hot seat – my only memories of Zak from last night are from that goddamn song. More on that later. I do recall Zak writing something in invisible ink for Desiree but I don’t care. The audience seems to care though. They all look like this:
Zak says he’s still in love with Desiree and it won’t go away. Ummm, I hope it does ONE day, no?
Desiree Here, Finally
Desiree comes out, one hour and 33 minutes into the show. So she’s clearly not the draw here. Highlights of Desiree’s time in the hot seat:
• Jonathan regrets being a douche bag. I don’t care.
• Brian isn’t there. I don’t care.
• Desiree says she couldn’t gauge emotion in Ben’s eyes and that he seemed insincere. Isn’t that a characteristic of a sociopath?
• She talks about James and I’M SO DONE WITH THIS I EAT MORE ICE CREAM. STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
• Juan Pablo asks her why he didn’t get a one-on-one date. He says, “It would’ve been great.” I hope she’s kicking herself. I want to kick her.
• Zak wrote a song. Ohhhhh noooooooo. Must. Get. Under. Sofa. Now.
• I don’t understand most of the song. I heard, “Dig a hole for your eyes” somewhere in there. What?
• The audience is crushed:
Bloopers and Previews
Bloopers are pretty stupid except for the lights falling around Desiree and Bryden. I was seriously laughing out loud. They kept fucking crashing to the ground because the strings holding them were burning. I mean, that’s amazing. Idiot production assistants. Let’s hang the candles from dry trees with string! Brilliant!
Previews….so apparently there is a two-part finale starting next week. That means next Monday and the one after will each be two hours filled with crying and drama. My guess is that Brooks leaves her and she isn’t sure she wants to continue on the show. The producers tell Chris and Drew that, which explains why they’re so pissy too. The cliffhanger next week will be – will Desiree come back to choose either Chris or Drew or will she just abandon the whole show? Of course, the finale will be Desiree coming back to choose Drew or Chris. And of those two, I don’t know or care which one she does. I’m not super hot on either. Of course, I know nothing of this for real, since I don’t do spoilers, but it’s my hunch. A reader commented last week that my prediction is what it looks like will happen, so maybe it’ll be something totally different to psyche us out? I hope so! Drew admits he’s gay? See you then!
OMG What's going to happen?