Let’s dive in - Smitty says, “The television event of the summer starts now.” Well, THAT’s bold. And not correct. He should have said, “The television event that will make you cry like a fucking little bitch and then hate yourself for it…starts NOW!”
They’re in Antigua, which is gorgeous, but Desiree needs to hold on to that damn boat. At least she has her calves to weigh her down. WHOA, that was mean.
Side note: It’s pronounced “An-tee-ga”? I thought it was “An-tee-gwa?” I’m right, right? I can’t be dumber than Desiree, can I? Don’t answer that.
After an unnecessary recap of the entire season and the three remaining guys, we finally get to gay Drew’s date.
Desiree says Drew is amazing, passionate and expressive. So yeah, gay.
I know I’m harping on the gay thing, but COME ON. Did he have gay for breakfast? He was oozing gay on this date. They drive around in a Jeep and stumble upon a party that I’m sure they had NO IDEA was going on and the party peeps didn’t expect them AT ALL. They dance around and Drew says he really thinks this is what it would feel like if they were married. I’ve been married seven years and I’ve never done the limbo with my husband. In Antigua. With a gay man.
Seriously? THIS is the best backdrop you could find?
Their dinner is rained out. I think Des angered the rain gods with those hideous pants, so they head right to the fantasy suite. She gives him the card and he spouts off some gay talk – “I’m ecstatic, I want to wake up with her in my arms”, etc. Yuckers. As always, Chris Harrison signed the card and adds the same PS that he always does: PS – As I do every season, I will be under the bed masturbating. Actually, I don’t want to see this one. Forget it.
Before they have gay dry humps, Desiree tells Drew how important it is for her to have a man who communicates well. Be careful what you ask for, lady. You’ve got an overly-emotional, girl-talker on your hands.
They turn off the lights and Drew moans once, just to convince us he’s actually able to get a boner with a woman. I don’t buy it.
Brooks in Idaho
Why are they in Idaho? Isn’t his massive Mormon family in Utah? Anyhoo, Brooks goes to his mom and sister to get advice. I’m not sure why. There isn’t some huge mystery going on here.
He says when people ask if he loves Desiree, he can’t answer that and doesn’t know why. He also says the thought of proposing to her makes him uncomfortable. No really, why is this a fucking mystery? YOU DON’T LOVE HER. This ain’t rocket science, people.
He basically tells them he’s not all that hot on Desiree and they say to him that he’ll have to dump her. They said it with a lot more tact, and it took twenty minutes longer than I just did, but you get the drift.
What the hell is she wearing? Pants, a bikini top and some beaded/shredded shirt? Did she buy that from the leaf sewer at the Shirley’s peak party?
They take a helicopter ride, but before they get on, Chris tells us he’s afraid of heights but he’ll be fine as long as Desiree is with him. Uh, yeah, that pussiness is super attractive. It ranks right up there with nose adjustment.
You don’t have to duck when you get out of a helicopter, dork.
They stop on an island, have a picnic and the producers make them write shit in the sand. They roll around on the sand and make out, and Chris says he’s having feelings of love. Desiree says she feels as if she’s been dating Chris for a long time, which is the kiss of death.
At dinner, she manages to ask Chris about the future, despite the noise from the random Antiguan squeaking crickets. He manages to spit out the fact he wants to stay in Seattle. She says she’d move there, although I sense she wants no part of Seattle. She only agrees to it because she thinks she’s marrying Brooks.
Chris says that Desiree makes him feel “vibrant”. Fuck, are they all gay?
She gives him the fantasy suite card and he says he’d like to use it so they can watch the stars together all night. Yup, gay.
And if that’s not the gay nail in the coffin, this is: He says his favorite way to express himself to Desiree is through poetry. For the love…
Brooks and Smits
Brooks says to the Bachelor camera that everything in his head tells him this is right, but his heart doesn’t feel the same way. He says that he can’t pinpoint why he doesn’t feel crazy in love with her. Smitty comes to talk to him and he is NOT happy with Brooks. He takes an hour to tell Chris he’s not in love with her. He says everything has been great and fun, but he can’t say she’s the love of his life. Seems pretty easy-to-understand to me. Not to Smitty…
Smitty isn’t pleased and asks him to clarify – “Are you telling me you’re not sure or that you aren’t in love with this woman?” He says, “Hmmm, I don’t know.” Brooks…I’m on your side here, but you’re not making this easy on me. JUST SAY YOU DON’T LOVE HER. Geesh.
He finally spits it out – “I don’t think Des is the love of my life.” To which Smitty annoyingly says, “What does it feel like when you’re in love?” He says, “Are you even READY to fall in love?” Geesh, Smitty. He’s usually the voice of reason, but he’s bugging me here. Here’s my take on this:
Brooks doesn’t love her, plain and simple. He likes her a lot, they have fun together and she has all the qualities he’s looking for…but guess what? HE DOESN’T LOVE HER. He’s not an asshole, he’s not trying to be a dickhead – he just doesn’t love her and thinks he should probably get out now because he doesn’t want to marry her. America is going to hate Brooks for this, but I think he’s more of a man for admitting it.
Does he have commitment issues? Maybe. Does he have unrealistic expectations of how he’s supposed to feel? Maybe. But he adamantly claims he’s ready for marriage – Des just isn’t the one. So anyway, all of that is between him and a therapist. For now, he’s doing the best thing he can – leave before it gets any later. He doesn’t want to hurt her, and he cares about her. Brooks won points in my book this episode, actually.
Smitty says, “I know you don’t want to hurt her, but as a man it’s the conversation you have to have.” Well, YES, he knows that, dude. That’s why he’s THERE. Can you give him a break please?
Brooks Date…I mean, Brooks dumping
He hugs Desiree and already looks sad – she asks him what’s wrong and he takes her to a bench to talk. She’s already crying, as she knows what’s coming. Me? I’m holding it together for now.
He tells her that she’s wonderful and he is so happy around her, but when they’re apart he kind of forgets about her. He says the moments they’re away from each other aren’t hard enough. So yeah, maybe THAT’S not the best thing to say. This pisses me off since it’s so stupid. Yeah, you should miss your significant other when they’re gone, but maybe he’s just a happy guy, enjoys his friends and his life and isn’t the type to sit at home like a total pussy crying about missing her. This is the annoying sister putting unrealistic shit in his head.
He ends up saying that he WANTS to be madly in love with her, but he’s just not. She tells him she IS in love with him and keeps crying. He looks more distraught than she does. I guess that’s sweet but really dude, hold it together.
There’s a lot of talk about him breaking her heart and she just cries against his chest. This shit is sad, people. I’m crying and desperately trying to hide my tears from my husband.
Two commercials later and we’re still on the damn bench. And nothing new is really being said. She’s just super sad and he feels super guilty. They finally walk to leave and Brooks asks her what she’s going to do now, with Chris and Drew. She says she was only conflicted because she didn’t want to share her heart – she only wanted to give it to him. He responds with, “Sorry, I’ll shut up, not helping.” Aweeeeesome.
They FINALLY split up and she heads to the dock to cry and cry and cry. He’s now bawling in the trees too, saying it’s the worst day of his life, and he hated hurting her. Awww, I like him.
Desiree tells the camera that Chris and Drew love her, but she can’t love them as much and that’s not what they deserve. “Honestly, for me, it’s over.”
DRAMA, PEOPLE….DRAMA! For real, what’s going to happen? Don’t tell me if you know. She can’t get engaged to Drew or Chris now, can she? I remember seeing footage of them crying in a limo – both of them. So I bet she tells them both goodbye and that she needs time to figure it all out. Later, in the studio audience, she’ll say she went home, got over Brooks and got engaged to Chris. (It CANNOT be Drew, right?) Then she’ll say she watched the nose adjustment a few weeks ago and dumped him.
Shit, I don’t know. See you next week, for SURE. I’m sucked in, I admit it.