The Bachelor Recap – You’re not dying, bitch. You’re cold.

I’m so tired of this dramatic bitch, Tierra. I get the whole dead boyfriend thing – that’s bound to screw you up and make you afraid to lose someone. I get it. But there are some serious, deep mental issues and shit this chick needs to work out before attempting to GET MARRIED from a reality TV show. OK I’m done.

Lake Louise is friggin beautiful. I’m Canadian you know, but I’ve never been there. It’s on my list now.


Catherine Date 

How much did it cost the Bachelor in insurance premiums to allow Sean to drive a fucking snow bus? Anyway, these two get the best date. I’d still take a yacht in Fiji over that, but it would be super fun to go sledding and roll around in the snow. For a few minutes, anyway. Oh and also, Catherine was apparently about to DIE which is why “Sean drove up to rescue” her. What the fuck. Yes, that was perilous for a few minutes there. Phew. Thank god for Sean. Fuck you.

“I never get cold when I’m with Sean.” Liar. Fuck you again.

Sean tells us they had a blast doing somersaults and making snow angels and this is exactly what he wants in a wife. This show has a way of really stretching it from point A to point B. Examples: “I was standing on a glacier, Sean rescued me.” Or “My best friend was crushed by a tree in front of my eyes when I was 12, and that made me realize my goal in life is to get married.” Or “She does snow angels, so she’d be my perfect wife”… despite the fact you live in Texas. With no snow.

Some poor bastard whittled his poor hands for five straight days making a snow castle so Sean and Catherine can bang inside. It was pretty cool, so kudos to that poor bastard.

At the end of their date, Sean tells Catherine he wants her to know how special she is, so he gives her the rose. Keep this sentence in mind – you’ll hear it about 30 more times tonight.


Group Date 

The group date is for Tierra, Sarah, AshLEE, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley and Daniella. Sean says, “I have a date today that will certainly challenge the women.” Soooo my question is, why are we needing to challenge them? They’re 24 and can barely read. Who the fuck cares to challenge them? Why doesn’t Sean just get wasted and bang them all? Why all the challenges? It’s not Survivor.

Sarah is going to “bring it 110% today”. Why are we “bringing it?” Can’t we just have fun and get to know Sean? Where did all this competitive shit come from? Oh right, its all the challenges.

They canoe across the lake and Sean says, “The girls think this date is over but I have a surprise for them.” Uhhh, they think it’s over after a 10-minute canoe ride? What the fuck? He tells them they’re going to jump into the 33-degree lake so they can be part of the fake club with no benefits what-so-ever, “The Polar Bear Plunge Club”. Or something like that. He tells them they don’t HAVE to do it but if they don’t, they will fail the challenge. Just kidding. But not really.

Selma is all, “Peace out. Fuck that. I’m from Baghdad, I don’t do snow.” But remember she didn’t do sand either? I do appreciate the fact that she is owning it, though. She’s just like, “Fuck you. You can call me a princess, I don’t give a fuck. I’m not jumping in that shit.”

There are only two lifeguards, which seems like a poor decision with these chicks… and Sean (who does look a little pussy-ish here). And kudos to Sarah, who indeed brought it by jumping in first. I’m shocked that AshLEE does it – she’s all about control and being inside. However, leave it to her to think that jumping in this lake is a “breakthrough”. Whaaaa? She tries to control everything, since her childhood was so out-of-control, right? I get that. But what is it about jumping into the water that is so “out of control?” You were surrounded by lifeguards and cameras. The Bachelor isn’t going to do anything that kills you.

Oh course, Tierra can’t breathe when she gets out and makes a huge drama out of being so cold. Of course you’re cold. You just jumped into 33-degree water. Calm the fuck down. The paramedic lady asks if she knows what day it is, “Nuh uh” was her explanation. Sean tries to help by adding, “But I don’t think she would know that information anyway. She’s not the sharpest. But check out her boobs!”

The other girls are fine and head back to the hotel to clean up. Tierra is putting oxygen up her nose and having some poor production assistant rub her feet and feed her sandwiches. Sean comes in to check out her and she is snuggled in a fluffy robe, in a huge hotel bed with a down comforter, being waited on. Sean tells her, “You always find a way to get alone time with me.” So he’s not stupid about her, right? He can see all the manipulation and drama? So WHY does he like that? Guys are annoying.

 She will not be pleased that this photo exists. 

She gets to skip the party since she’s “hurt”, using the term loosely. Again, this would be my dream. I’d flip on some reality show, get room service delivered and chill out in my awesome hotel bed. But she actually CHOOSES to get dressed, put makeup on and wear boots. My God, how are there people on earth SO different than me?

The girls are pissed Tierra shows up. Sean immediately takes her aside and says, “Your hands are so warm!” And she replies, “Fuck, they are? Dammit. I mean, but Sean, my whole body is still soooo cold. I mean, I’m barely alive. Hold me!”

Lindsay and Sean do nothing but kiss and it just looks…graphic. With horrible, horrible slurping sounds. See this picture? What kind of sounds would you EXPECT coming from a kiss like that? Yeah, well that’s exactly what sounds you hear.

He gives the rose to Lesley.

After the party, he decides he has to send Sarah home. He doesn’t see “forever” with her. She cries a lot and it’s actually really sad. I wonder if she’ll have a little cheering section trying to get her to be the next Bachelorette.


Desiree Date 

This is a super boring date. She’s wearing horrible jeans that show off her bubbly legs and pigeon-toed nature. They repel down a mountain (boooring) and I can’t fucking believe these people are still talking about risk taking in a relationship. Let me be clear here: DOING ANYTHING ADVENTUROUS IS NOT A FUCKING METAPHOR FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Stop saying it. “I took a risk by repelling! That’s exactly like falling in love!” Fuck you. It’s not. Neither is canoeing, or jumping in a lake. Jen Frase angry.

They eat a picnic lunch and climb a tree. They head to dinner later in a teepee. Desiree tells him that she grew up poor and used to live in a tent. Sooo what’s with all the shitty-life stories this season? We’ve got a girl with one arm, one who lived in a tent, one who was abused in a foster home, one whose best friend was crushed by a tree, one whose boyfriend died from a drug overdose, one bulimic and don’t forget the Jumbotron Operator. That shit is traumatic too.

When Desiree tells him how poor she was growing up, she mentions that now, having material things doesn’t matter to her at all. Ummm, wouldn’t it matter more? If I grew up in a tent and actually owned a house now, I’d be all, “Hot damn! I have a fucking house!” If I grew up in a house and now owned a house, I’d be all, “Here’s my house. Again.”

Also----What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Sweater.

Sean, being the intellect he is, asks Desiree if not having money was ever difficult? No, you asshole, it was fucking fun wiping my ass with a leaf in my tent.

She says she grew up never taking things for granted, always putting others first, and now she just wants a house full of love. She adds, “Well, maybe just a fucking house, period. And not a tent.” Also, did you notice the abrupt jump from A to B again? I grew up in a tent so I want to be married.

Of course, Sean tells her that he wants her to know how special she is, and gives her the rose. She says, “I grew up in a tent and now I’m falling in love in a teepee.” Fuck you.


Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the party:

• Selma humiliates her Muslim family by kissing Sean on TV. And also by showing her gigantic tits in the tightest dress ever. Wowzers.
• Lindsay tries to actually TALK to Sean instead of kissing him and here’s what I think: I NEVER want a close up of myself making out with anyone on national TV.
• AshLEE’s whole life has been about control, so she gives Sean a blindfold which signifies what she’s allowing Sean to do in their relationship (Sean’s eyes open wide and he high-fives himself) He carries her ten yards across the hotel and makes out with her. So yeeeeah, sure that’s super meaningful.


Rose Ceremony 

Lesley, Desiree and Catherine already have roses. Others go to Lindsay, AshLEE and Tierra.

This means Daniella and Selma are going home. Daniella was pretty friggin obvious – they barely talked and she was an interesting bird. Selma was a bit more surprising. I’d analyze it more, but I’m just so damn excited that we’re down to six girls! That feels like there’s an actual end in sight! I’m sticking with Desiree and Lesley as my prediction for the final two.

The kids are headed to St. Croix next week. See you then!