The Bachelor Recap – Sean Tells All…I mean, he says nothing. At all.

Seriously, is anyone even going to read this shit? Last night’s Sean Tells All was probably the most boring 60 minutes of this franchise ever. Thank the heavens above it was only an hour. Sean is growing on me…a little, and I think he doesn’t sound stupid or asshole-ish, but there was just nothing interesting to say.

Smitty introduces the show by saying, “Sean is about to take Lindsay, AshLEE and Catherine on their intimate overnight dates in Thailand. Did I say ‘intimate’? Haha, that’s silly. I mean, virgin dates where they play dominos all night. Ha. Virgin.”

I’m referring to US Weekly’s latest claim he’s a virgin. I’ll get to it.

Desiree 

First they discuss Desiree’s departure. Smitty says, “We all watched shocked and stunned as you sent Desiree home.” Really, Smits? Shocked and stunned? It’s not exactly the raid on Bin Laden. It’s the Bachelor. Chill.

They chat about the weirdness that is Desiree’s brother. How odd that he talked to Sean once and was super nice to him and then took him back outside to tear into him. He sounds unstable. Someone commented on my blog yesterday that nobody stood up to him because they’re afraid of him – great call. He might be one of those dudes you just don’t want to mess with. Except Sean who called him a jackass. Sean also admits that Desiree’s brother influenced his decision to send Desiree home. YA THINK?


Sarah

Sarah, the chick with one arm, is up for discussion next. Guess what? He didn’t feel passion when he kissed her, so he sent her home. He told her that he seemed to be forcing it. WELL A GIRL CAN’T HEAR THAT ENOUGH! Ouch.

So yeah, that was it. That didn’t even deserve it’s own paragraph header, did it?


Selma

In case Selma’s parents haven’t already totally disowned her, Smitty nails the coffin shut by saying, “Despite the fact you never really kissed you guys had amazing sexual chemistry between you!” Sean replies, “No shit! Did you see how touchy-feely that chick was? She was such a tease! Muslim cock teaser!” (Am I going to get hate mail for using the term “Muslim cock teaser?”)

Then they show footage of weird nose rubbing, eyelash rubbing and finally she humiliates her family for good by actually kissing him on the lips. Aaaand then he sends her home. Ouch. (That’s what his balls said). What?


Lesley 

Lesley was a fan favorite, says Smitty. Sean replies, “But she wasn’t my favorite.” He then adds, “Soooo, should we just move on then?” Oh wait, that part was me.

In a nutshell, she didn’t open up enough to Sean, so he didn’t feel like they were getting any closer. Also, they played a sexual cupcake game where she moaned, “Shove it in my mouth!” and I think Jesus Christ whispered in Sean’s Christian ear – “No way, dude. That shit’s not gonna fly in my house.”


Tierra 

I had high hopes for this part of the show, but again, Sean doesn’t really reveal much. He says she never should have gone on the show because she can’t get along with her peers and doesn’t do well in this scenario. He says he was duped by her. I really want him to say, “That bitch be crazy, Smitty! Can you believe her unstable-ness? What a wack!” But nope, he doesn’t say much. To his credit, he doesn’t really talk like that. I mean, he’s not me.


Other highlights: 

• Sean says that Ashley (bondage girl from night one) “may have come on too strong.” Um, that’s like saying that Carnival ship needed an air freshener or two.
• Catherine squeezed in the wheel well of that snow bus. What the?
• Wow really? Just two “other highlights”?


Us Weekly 

The latest US Weekly claims that Sean is a virgin. Once you read the article, it explains that Sean banged chicks in college but has since decided to stop banging chicks until he’s married. A born-again virgin, if you will. I’m not sure how this makes you a virgin. Once it’s gone, its gone. So instead of calling him a “born-again virgin”, we should be calling him “dude who used to have sex but has since decided to embrace Christianity and not have sex again until he’s married.” OK I guess the first title is easier to say.

Smitty tries to address this with Sean by saying, “Viewers have a certain expectation about what happens in the fantasy suite. What do you have to say about that?”

Sean says, “I would say it’s none of your business.” Good for you, Seannie. Fuck ‘em. Also, he knows if he touts himself as virgin-boy, viewership might decline a bit for the STD Suite episode.

Previews look pretty tame and status quo. Lots of swimming, making out, feeding monkeys, you know – the regular stuff. However, what is with that note at the end? I’m guessing the girl he decides NOT to marry writes him a note saying she senses what’s about to happen and she just can’t show up if it’s not her. What cha think? These chicks all worship him – there’s no way one dumps him. No way.

What is with the shower scene? What would the big JC say about that? See you next week, friends.