The Bachelor Recap – 1980’s decor and asshole siblings? Ahhh, hometown dates.

Houston with AshLEE 

AshLEE’s date in Houston can be summarized in one sentence: She needs to chill the fuck out on how much she loves Sean. Ok wait, one more sentence: She also needs to shut the fuck up when discussing her sex life TO HER PARENTS. My God, talk about hiding under the sofa. How horrifying. I want you all to stop for one second and picture this: Picture telling your DAD about the last time you got naked with your significant other. I could throw up thinking about it.

Anyway, AshLEE meets Sean in Houston and they have a picnic. No wonder they aired this date first – this shit is boring. AshLEE says she is excited to introduce Sean to her parents because he is a man that she “has fallen into love with”. Fallen INTO love with? Fuck you.

She also says that Sean told her to trust him and that he’d be the man to protect her heart. Umm, he didn’t say that. He would be a fucking crazy person to say that to any chick on this show. She also says she’s been looking forward to bringing her future husband home to her parents since she was four years old. Really? I have a four year old. You know what she’s excited about? Making it to the toilet in time before she pees herself, her new headband and trying to put both her ankles behind her head at the same time. Not introducing her future husband to me.

Anyway, she tells Sean he’s so amazing and so handsome and he giggles and says, “Stop it” like a little girl. This is a little nauseating. WE GET that you love him, but this is too much, girlie. Try to have fun and talk about something other than your love for him. On a related note, I bet AshLEE likes to use the term “make love to”. Bleeeach.

At dinner, after she tells her parents she rolled around in the sand with Sean in St. Croix, she tells her parents about the polar bear plunge or whatever the hell it’s called. Instead of saying, “We had to jump in 34 degree water! It was crazy!” She says, “I had to leave my fear of abandonment aside and I came up a new person”, or some really awkward shit like that. Also, she’s crying. Oh lord.

Sean chats with both her parents and nothing interesting is said. Boring city. But they seem like nice people, which is more than I can say for Desiree’s asshole brother.

After they leave, AshLEE says today was magical, her dream come true and there is pixie dust everywhere. Say it with me: Fuck you.


Seattle with Catherine 

 “I love Sean cause he’s always ready to do stuff!” Yeeeeah, like catch three fish because the entire segment has been set up in advance by Bachelor producers. He loves her energy. She loves his smell. This is riveting stuff.

After walking around Seattle, where Sean is so excited NOT to be constantly talking about love, they head to Catherine’s Mom’s house, which needs a serious remodel. And maybe a deep clean. Her sisters are catty, jealous bitches who try to throw her under the bus. They tell Sean that Catherine is a messy pig, not ready to settle down, a moody bitch and leaves guys after the fun wears off. Why would these fucking whores do that to their sister? How totally weird. I’d love to know the stories of these chicks – jealous for sure.

 "You ready, sis? Let's totally fuck with Catherine's happiness."

Sean asks Catherine’s mom for her blessing if he proposes to Catherine, to which she responds, “Well, let’s see how this goes, you should mull it over, blah blah blah.” So that was weird too. As is all the wood paneling in their house. Sean leaves the date saying her family brought up stuff that made him doubt the relationship…mostly, well…them.


Missouri with Lindsay 

Well you wouldn’t have thought this to be the case, but Lindsay’s family certainly wins the award for most normal family.

Lindsay first meets Sean and tells him she’s never brought a boyfriend home before “that she’s serious about”. Only the un-serious ones she’s banging for sport? Ok, that’s one way to do it.

I don’t understand why Sean dresses up in Army gear and does some drills? Some asshole Bachelor Producer’s GREAT idea. How clever! What a way to liven up the show! How funny! Asshole.

Sean and Lindsay head to her parent’s house where her dad pats her arm like a puppy. They seem like nice and normal people, with the exception of Lindsay’s poor little brother who seems like awkward city.

Sean tells Lindsay’s dad that he’s crazy about her…a common theme tonight. I think he says that about all four girls to their families. I do appreciate that Lindsay’s mom asks if he’s in love with her and he replies, “I’m not in a position to say that right now.” It sounds a bit douche-y but I like that he admits he can’t be blabbing about loving all the chicks or he’d sound super douche-y. Points for Sean.

Sean’s dad tells him that his biggest concern is Lindsay getting hurt. Sean replies, “Yup, valid concern. I’m dry humping three other chicks, so yes. Good call on your part.”

When Sean asks for his blessing, Dad goes on a strange rant about being a paratrooper. It ends with him explaining the fact that all paratroopers have authority to answer questions so Sean should become a paratrooper. I think. I may have missed part of it, I don’t know.


Los Angeles with Desiree 

What a train wreck this date is – wow. They go a hike in LA because Desiree is desperate to prove to him that she’s an outdoor girl JUST LIKE YOU, SEAN. She then takes him to her little house where she makes her family dinner. The doorbell rings and it’s not her family, but a young dude, claiming he’s been texting and calling Desiree and that he still loves her! Gasp! By the way, I saw this coming from a mile away. Did you guys figure it out? It seemed so fake and the Bachelor peeps didn’t sell it enough. We heard about drama with Tierra for friggin weeks, but this was never even shown. Anyhoo, Sean steps in and is about to force him to leave when she breaks the news to him that it’s all a joke. HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAH, HAHAHAHA.

Desiree’s family comes in next and her mom doesn’t really look like a “Roxanne”, am I right? Her parents seem very sweet and passive. They don’t show one second of Sean’s chat with her dad, which is usually the highlight of the visit, so that tells you how normal it was.

Desiree’s brother really takes the dickhead cake though. At first, I was mildly impressed that he was calling him out a bit. Sean says he’s crazy about Desiree and brother says, “Crazy about a lot of girls, right?” Which is awesome, because Sean actually IS saying those exact words about each chick. So I get that…but then he just gets super rude. He tells him he’s a playboy and Sean seriously defends himself. Brother replies, “I’m not buying it.” What a dick. Can’t he just say that he’s skeptical and worried Desiree will be hurt blah blah blah?

What really kills me though is Desiree won’t tell him off. I understand that a lot of chicks aren’t yellers and swearers like me, but I desperately want Desiree to say, “Look kid, you don’t know him and you have no right to judge him. I like him and I would have appreciated you not being a total asshole to him. Fuck off.” But she just sits there and says, “What did you say to him? That’s not niiiice. OK bye.”


Rose Ceremony 

Sean admits to Smitty that he’s confused and doesn’t know whether to send Catherine or Desiree packing. He says, “I sort of hate both their families so what the hell am I supposed to do?” Smitty nods a lot, which does nothing to help Sean and I get the feeling Smitty is over this season. I hear ya, brother.

Sean gives roses to Lindsay and AshLEE and then dramatically walks off in confusion. He stares at their pictures when Smitty comes in and pats him on the back and asks “Wassup?” Sean says that he can see a wife in both of them and doesn’t know who to send home. It feels like a lose-lose situation and he’s confused. Smitty replies, “My advice to you tonight is…get it right.” Gee THANKS Smitty, that’s super fucking helpful.

Sean ends up giving the rose to Catherine and walks Desiree out. She says it was a huge mistake. This is how sure she is: Not even 99.9% sure but 100% sure. Whoa. Sean tells her he’ll miss her and she says, “Then don’t let me go.” OH MY GOD AM I TEARING UP? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

So that’s it, kids. We’re down to AshLEE, Catherine and Lindsay. I’d say it’s between AshLEE and Lindsay but I’ve been wrong on every prediction so far, so I’ll just shut up. Oddly, there’s an hour-long “Sean tells all” tonight, which is just odd, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow!