Selma, the 29 year-old Real Estate Developer from San Diego, gets the first one-on-one date with Sean this week. Sean tells us that Selma says people judge her too quickly, based on her looks – they say she’s just another pretty face. Can I just say it takes major balls to say something like this? That’s like saying, “Seriously, it’s hard to be so beautiful” or “It can be a real struggle to get people to look past my perfect physique” or “Being a NASA engineer is a lot of work!”
Anyway, Selma is mildly annoying in the limo and then on the private plane. She says, “Can you handle all 110 pounds of this (pointing to herself?)” Again, shut up about how skinny and perfect you are. Geesh. Also, I think 100 of those pounds are in her boobs.
Sean keeps saying, “Selma assumes we’re going somewhere nice because we’re on a private plane, but I have a surprise for her!” Ummm, no she doesn’t. She knows damn well you’re doing something dirty and athletic…wanna know why? Because per the producer’s instructions, SHE’S WEARING WORK OUT CLOTHES, you dumb fuck.
They land in the desert and Selma says, “I don’t do well in heat. I’m so disappointed.” She sounds SUPER fun, no? And also not very acclimated to desert heat for being Iraqi.
They’re in Joshua Tree National Park and Sean breaks the news they are rock climbing today. Sean says, “She’s mentioned she’s not athletic”. Ummm, why would you mention this, Selma? I’m not saying you want to date the next Hope Solo, but maybe don’t want to come across like an uncoordinated mass of bones. Just so I’m clear, you also don’t want to date the actual Hope Solo. Crazy cray cray. I’d date Kerri Walsh though! Maybe even Gabi Douglas – she’d be flexible! What the hell am I talking about?
Selma is nervous and bitching a lot, but shockingly climbs the rock and doesn’t die. I keep hoping she doesn’t fart as she’s climbing above Sean.
They go to dinner at a funky, theme-y RV park. There’s that slashed Bachelor budget again. While snuggling after dinner, she tells Sean all about her super strict Arabic family, and how she was raised a Muslim in a very strict household. Please please please please please please please, for the love of God (Allah?) go to her house for a hometown date. Please. Blogger heaven. Please.
Selma can’t kiss Sean because she’s barely allowed to date, let alone go on TV and make out in hot tubs, etc. So her Mom especially would just freak the shit out, so no kissing for them. Sean moans to the camera for awhile about how he wants to kiss her soooo bad. He says to the Bachelor producers, “Can you Google “Muslim and blow jobs”? Maybe those are ok?”
He gives her the rose and she gives him blue balls.
This group date has a chance to make Bachelor history. I mean, they put a bunch of catty, unathletic bitches in roller skates and basically ask them to fight. And one of them is missing an arm. And Tierra is there. And self-proclaimed “I don’t do anything adventurous” AshLEE. I’m so excited I could pee. Sean says, “This is going to be so much fun to watch.” Holy shit, you can say that again.
So they get geared up, and ummm…they can barely stand up. I mean, it is so fucking funny. I would have paid money to be there. I bet the crew was friggin dying. Not to mention those butch roller derby chicks.
Oops, did I fall like this? I’m so flexible!
Poor Sarah really struggles because, understandably, her balance is off. I feel bad for her… But really, how many times will one have this problem? She never needs to step foot in another roller derby arena ever again.
Amanda bangs her jaw on the floor and gets shipped off to the hospital. God, these bitches are accident-prone. Sean (the producers, actually) decide that the show’s health insurance could never cover what would happen to these ladies if they actually tried to have a roller derby battle, so Sean makes it a free-skate to Journey instead. He says, “I want them to spend time with me and not worry about cracking their jaws.” He adds, “Unless it’s on my penis.” God that was dumb. He also adds, “They weren’t ready for the physicality of roller derby but they embraced it.” Uh they did? How? By crying, bitching and falling?
At the after party, Sean chats with all the girls. Amanda, back from the hospital, gets a kiss on the jaw from Sean. She says, “I should’ve told him they took my tonsils out”, and then made this face:
It’s not that funny, but I’m posting it here because I want to know how many readers KNEW I was going to post this shot?
Tierra and Robyn bicker about something, I don’t know, and Tierra loses it. She threatens to leave, then runs off to whine to Sean. She freaks out, screaming, “I can’t be tortured like this!” And “I’m holding it all in!” (Uhhh, this is holding it in?) Of course, she’s hot enough for Sean to want to keep her around. Any normal-looking chick would get the boot STAT but because she’s hot, he begs her to stay and even gives her a fucking rose. I’m angry with Sean for this. When chicks cry and get all emotional and needy, it’s a turn-off, but if you’re hot enough, it gets you a rose!? This is not sending crazy girls the right message. Rightfully so, the other girls are disgusted.
Leslie, the 29 year-old Poker Dealer from Los Angeles gets the next one-on-one date. Yes, you read that right. She received earrings with the date card, and she’s stupid excited, saying, “I’ve never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend before!” Umm, you still haven’t. He’s not your boyfriend, first of all, and second, the Producers came up with the idea and bought them. HOW do they not know this? These fucking chicks are delusional. Unhinged, all of them.
Sigh. Anyway, this is the overdone “Pretty Woman” date, which supposedly all girls dream of. Ehhh, not really. It’s not romantic to try on dresses with a dude watching, really. And do we really want to emulate the movie where a rich dude buys a hooker clothes because he’s embarrassed by her skankness?
Leslie finds her perfect dress. Winner winner chicken dinner, she proclaims. Fuck you. And stop playing with your goddamn hair.
Next stop, Neil Lane, who negotiated more airtime into his contract this season. He lends Leslie a necklace. Fuck me, I’m bored. Leslie says, “I’ve never been treated this good before.” Oh my god, please someone explain to her – this is not Sean’s money or Sean’s idea. Go make out with the Producer if you’re impressed with what’s going on. Idiot.
They head to dinner where it’s clear this is going nowhere. She’s annoying…I’m sure she’s nice, but she laughs crazy and seems awkward all the time. Their conversation was ALMOST an under-the-sofa moment. (She grew up “in church?”) It was like a horrible awkward interview. And I know I’ve said it before, but I really hate the question, “What do you want in a husband?” There’s only one answer. We all want the same shit. Humorous, love, loyal, smart, blah blah. Nobody wants a Unabomber.
Sure enough, Sean tells her that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection with her. I appreciate his honestly and gentleness when booting her. She’s a little torn-up, saying she’s lost right now. Soooo, she went on one date with him. Your 20-year marriage didn’t dissolve, poker lady. It was ONE date.
If they hit it off, some dude was supposed to sing for them, but she’s gone now. Contractually, they promised this dude some airtime, but it would be too gay for Sean to just sit there alone and listen to him, so he watches him from a balcony…while music guy plays to nobody.
Highlights from the party:
• Robyn tells the camera she needs to do something tonight to get his attention and I start to get excited. I love it when the bitches get desperate. She proceeds to ask Sean if he wants to eat chocolate. He says yes, because really, who doesn’t like chocolate? Dammit, Sean, she’s talking about her! White girls can’t do this, because if I asked a guy if he wanted to taste something vanilla he could easily say no because vanilla isn’t nearly as popular as chocolate.
• AshLEE is chill and sweet, so Sean digs that, but I don’t think this chick is spirited enough. She’s too quiet, chill and reserved. The two of them would put each other to sleep. Snooze.
• Tierra tells Sean not to listen to the other girls if they talk shit about her. I mean, how many warnings does this dude need? He says, “Tierra needs more reassurance than anyone else in the house, but I don’t see that as a bad thing.” Ummm, this is such bullshit. Of course that’s a bad thing, you asshole. It means she’s insecure and needy. Also means she’s an attention whore and totally selfish. Last week she falls down the stairs, this week she freaks out for attention and next week she apparently falls through an iceberg. She loves the drama. Drama is not a good quality in a wife. Trust me. Just ask my husband.
• She DOES have a dent in her forehead. Probably from playing softball in prison.
• Daniella needs some powder.
• I just noticed how much lip-gloss is in this room. Herpes can stick to that shit.
• On a related note, these chicks all look like they just finished eating pork chops and snorting crank.
• Catherine gives Sean a piece of paper with a kiss on it, tells him she’s really attracted to him, and I want to fucking punch her. She takes him to the driveway so they can make out in private, and I’m under my sofa.
Tierra and Selma have roses already. The remaining roses go to:
-Catherine - 26, Graphic Designer, Seattle. Awkward city. He will never choose her. Not gonna happen.
-Desiree - 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. Didn’t speak one word this week, but still a viable choice for Seannie.
-Lindsay - 24, Substitute Teacher, Missouri. Sean likes to make out with wedding dress girl but it ain’t going anywhere.
-Lesley - 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. Also didn’t speak one word this week, but she’ll be around awhile.
-Robyn - 24, Oil Field Account Manager, Houston. Sexual chocolate.
-AshLEE - 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. Control freak, very organized and non-adventurous. Sounds like FUN!
-Sarah- 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. She’s a super trooper for even attempting roller derby with one arm, but her lack of confidence will be her demise.
-Jackie - 25, Cosmetic Consultant, Florida. I still want to know what a cosmetic consultant is.
-Daniella - 24, Commercial Casting Associate, San Francisco. Shiny and very little role. She’ll be gone within two weeks.
Therefore, Amanda goes home. Good, she was just…off a little. He tells her he’ll walk her out…to the foyer anyway.
Only TWO girls are gone this week?? And there are TWO two-hour episodes next week? (Monday and Tuesday nights) Are you trying to wear us down? That’s just too much. Also, it’s super predictable who the last few chicks will be, right? No way he’ll end up with Robyn, Catherine, Lindsay, Daniella, or Jackie. Final six are Sarah, Tierra, Selma, Desiree, Lesley, and AshLEE (Again, just my guess, I don’t read spoilers). I bet final three are Tierra, Desiree and Lesley.
See you next week…